Well, it finally happened. I have been removed from the position I was cross-training in, as apparently there have been more mistakes found. The hell of it is they don't know for sure who made those mistakes or when but apparently there have been a lot cropping up since I started training in that department that never cropped up before. So they are going to remove me from the equation and see if things improve. Fine with me anyway. I don't want that responsibility hanging over my head.
They are going to find something else more suited for my talents to cross-train me on. I was told that my job overall was not in danger, just that that particular position didn't seem to be a good fit for me. And I agreed with them there. I gave it a good try because that is what they wanted for me, but apparently that was not good enough. It was a very taxing job both mentally and physically, and I think if I had stayed on it I might very well have gotten injured, but I don't have to worry about it anymore.
Then the question: "Are you OK with this?" Does it really matter whether I am OK with this or not? The choice has been made. My feelings one way or another are not going to change anything. But I suppose they have to have their illusions. So I said, yeah, that actually I was rather relieved.
"Not my will, but yours." That isn't just church talk. I think all of us on the spectrum, especially those who are higher functioning and more aware, have run into that wall quite a few times. By our nature we tend to be self-absorbed. We are the center of our own universes. Well, I have news for you. Guess what, nobody will tell you this, but actually, nobody really gives a sh*t about you. It took me a long time to learn that my thoughts, my feelings, my wants really did not matter at all in the grand scheme of things, as long as I have to answer to another. It took a long time because I really did not want to let go. I wanted to be me. But is there really a "me"?
Buddha taught that the number one cause of suffering was desire, craving, wanting, and that self is an illusion. Some neuroscientists are starting to agree with him that there really is no such thing as a permanent self. I don't know about that, but I do know that clinging to "self" has caused me great pain in my life, and that once I stopped fighting and surrendered it did not hurt so bad. So how do I feel about this latest "rejection?" I don't. It's not important how I feel. I have no control over that situation, so just let it go.
Someone asked me once if I got nervous going on stage in front of a bunch of people. I said, actually, no. It doesn't bother me at all. Because everything is scripted. You know what to say and how to say it, and where to stand and where (and how) to move. It's actually quite easy, no guesswork involved. But the acting I do every day, now that is "improv." There is a script but you aren't shown it. You are assigned a role, but it is not defined. They don't give awards for that kind of acting.
Well, maybe I will have better luck with my new assignment once they figure out what it is going to be.
They are going to find something else more suited for my talents to cross-train me on. I was told that my job overall was not in danger, just that that particular position didn't seem to be a good fit for me. And I agreed with them there. I gave it a good try because that is what they wanted for me, but apparently that was not good enough. It was a very taxing job both mentally and physically, and I think if I had stayed on it I might very well have gotten injured, but I don't have to worry about it anymore.
Then the question: "Are you OK with this?" Does it really matter whether I am OK with this or not? The choice has been made. My feelings one way or another are not going to change anything. But I suppose they have to have their illusions. So I said, yeah, that actually I was rather relieved.
"Not my will, but yours." That isn't just church talk. I think all of us on the spectrum, especially those who are higher functioning and more aware, have run into that wall quite a few times. By our nature we tend to be self-absorbed. We are the center of our own universes. Well, I have news for you. Guess what, nobody will tell you this, but actually, nobody really gives a sh*t about you. It took me a long time to learn that my thoughts, my feelings, my wants really did not matter at all in the grand scheme of things, as long as I have to answer to another. It took a long time because I really did not want to let go. I wanted to be me. But is there really a "me"?
Buddha taught that the number one cause of suffering was desire, craving, wanting, and that self is an illusion. Some neuroscientists are starting to agree with him that there really is no such thing as a permanent self. I don't know about that, but I do know that clinging to "self" has caused me great pain in my life, and that once I stopped fighting and surrendered it did not hurt so bad. So how do I feel about this latest "rejection?" I don't. It's not important how I feel. I have no control over that situation, so just let it go.
Someone asked me once if I got nervous going on stage in front of a bunch of people. I said, actually, no. It doesn't bother me at all. Because everything is scripted. You know what to say and how to say it, and where to stand and where (and how) to move. It's actually quite easy, no guesswork involved. But the acting I do every day, now that is "improv." There is a script but you aren't shown it. You are assigned a role, but it is not defined. They don't give awards for that kind of acting.
Well, maybe I will have better luck with my new assignment once they figure out what it is going to be.
