Not long ago I foolishly went into a car dealership which was having a promotion even though I had absolutely no intention of trading in my still-serviceable and paid-up car. Several hours later, they had my car and I had theirs with payments. I am still not sure who got the better of the deal, sometimes I think they came out slightly ahead and other times I think I didn't do too shabbily. Anyway, the deal is done, I have a newer car, and I really don't have any regrets. Even though that was not the way I would have preferred to get a new car.
Because I was not intending to trade my car on the spot--I was in no pressing hurry to trade it--I was in the driver's seat. The dealer clearly needed to sell me a car more than I needed to buy one. And so we dickered and dickered and dickered. Finally I came up with a counteroffer that I was sure to be refused only to have them accept. And with that, even though as I said, I didn't plan to trade right on the spot, when I thought about it, it really didn't make any sense to say no. Much as I hated the idea of car payments, I knew there was only so much mileage I could get out of my old car and it was giving me indications that it was time to start thinking about a new one. So I signed the papers.
The thing is, I think I drove a pretty good bargain with them and I rather enjoyed negotiating with the dealer. I was well aware that he was manipulating me and it was interesting to watch him in action. But I also gained a sense of power and self-confidence.
The reason I bring this up is I bet that none of the women in my former church circle have EVER once bought a car on their own, without their husbands or another man being present. I am willing to bet they never bought a house by themselves as I did my mobile home. When you have done these things it sets you apart from those who haven't. It empowers you. Now there are a lot of messages I heard as a Christian woman, but being empowered was not one of them. The messages I consistently heard was be dependent, be trite, don't leave your comfort zone. There is a saying I came to loathe: "Others may, but you cannot." WTF? Restriction, restriction, restriction!
But you see, when you are a single woman, and especially when you are an older single woman who has had decades of taking care of issues by herself simply because there is no one else to take care of them, these messages of submission and meekness don't make sense. You know that they are BS because you know that you cannot possibly live that way and have any kind of quality of life. You know that that philosophy just doesn't work.
Had I married in my twenties the way life was supposed to go, perhaps I would not have started down the road to questioning and ultimately leaving my faith. There were times I envied some of my friends their cocoon. Not any more. A cocoon by nature is designed to be a temporary thing,. Stay too long in it and you die. You have to leave the cocoon to become a butterfly. But once you have become a butterfly and tasted the freedom of flight, that cramped up old cocoon no longer has the attraction it once has. You can't go back. This is what my old church friends cannot understand. I am no longer interested in struggling with my faith because I have moved on.
Because I was not intending to trade my car on the spot--I was in no pressing hurry to trade it--I was in the driver's seat. The dealer clearly needed to sell me a car more than I needed to buy one. And so we dickered and dickered and dickered. Finally I came up with a counteroffer that I was sure to be refused only to have them accept. And with that, even though as I said, I didn't plan to trade right on the spot, when I thought about it, it really didn't make any sense to say no. Much as I hated the idea of car payments, I knew there was only so much mileage I could get out of my old car and it was giving me indications that it was time to start thinking about a new one. So I signed the papers.
The thing is, I think I drove a pretty good bargain with them and I rather enjoyed negotiating with the dealer. I was well aware that he was manipulating me and it was interesting to watch him in action. But I also gained a sense of power and self-confidence.
The reason I bring this up is I bet that none of the women in my former church circle have EVER once bought a car on their own, without their husbands or another man being present. I am willing to bet they never bought a house by themselves as I did my mobile home. When you have done these things it sets you apart from those who haven't. It empowers you. Now there are a lot of messages I heard as a Christian woman, but being empowered was not one of them. The messages I consistently heard was be dependent, be trite, don't leave your comfort zone. There is a saying I came to loathe: "Others may, but you cannot." WTF? Restriction, restriction, restriction!
But you see, when you are a single woman, and especially when you are an older single woman who has had decades of taking care of issues by herself simply because there is no one else to take care of them, these messages of submission and meekness don't make sense. You know that they are BS because you know that you cannot possibly live that way and have any kind of quality of life. You know that that philosophy just doesn't work.
Had I married in my twenties the way life was supposed to go, perhaps I would not have started down the road to questioning and ultimately leaving my faith. There were times I envied some of my friends their cocoon. Not any more. A cocoon by nature is designed to be a temporary thing,. Stay too long in it and you die. You have to leave the cocoon to become a butterfly. But once you have become a butterfly and tasted the freedom of flight, that cramped up old cocoon no longer has the attraction it once has. You can't go back. This is what my old church friends cannot understand. I am no longer interested in struggling with my faith because I have moved on.
