I decided to go back to music and posted a new album
It got a little bit of traction which makes me happy, something is better than nothing, right?
Even with that happening I can't help but feeling sad due to certain situations that happened today
My mom had been a bit nicer as of late, and I started talking to her more but then she did what she always does and it's breaking my heart
She used it to manipulate me
Coming to the realization that my mom has been nice to me all my life just to manipulate me hurts me, now I am wondering if I should even eat what she makes or eat any of the food in the house because I worry she will use it to try and manipulate me again
I've come to the realization that the reason I run away when people treat me nicely Is because of this, because I get into flight mode thinking that they will later turn around and either insult me or hurt me or try and manipulate me
Isn't being good an act of love? Aren't acts of love selfless?
I guess they are transactions for her and my family
"I'll be nice to you and I'll charge you for it later"
That's why getting close to people frightens me to no end, that's why I keep people at arm's length and that is why I look for reasons to break friendships out of the blue, or leave discord servers or even why I left this forum
I got scared because of my experiences with my own family, I got scared because people were nice to me and my brain quicky thought there were hidden bad intentions (not that they were) and decided to run away
I am too scared of people being nice to me, I am too scared of people because I feel they will hurt me in the end so I run away and end friendships that are barely flourishing
I am scared because of the actions of my own family
I cried, and have been wanting to cry all day but I won't...
I can't believe my own family is like this with me, I can't believe it it's only with me and not other people
I'm very sad, heartbroken and my chest hurts
But at this point I'm just rambling...
At least a few people liked my album with my old songs...
I really am feeling guilty for coming back to their home, to a home where nobody loves me and just kinda puts up with me
To a home of manipulators and ugly people
I'm so stupid
It got a little bit of traction which makes me happy, something is better than nothing, right?
Even with that happening I can't help but feeling sad due to certain situations that happened today
My mom had been a bit nicer as of late, and I started talking to her more but then she did what she always does and it's breaking my heart
She used it to manipulate me
Coming to the realization that my mom has been nice to me all my life just to manipulate me hurts me, now I am wondering if I should even eat what she makes or eat any of the food in the house because I worry she will use it to try and manipulate me again
I've come to the realization that the reason I run away when people treat me nicely Is because of this, because I get into flight mode thinking that they will later turn around and either insult me or hurt me or try and manipulate me
Isn't being good an act of love? Aren't acts of love selfless?
I guess they are transactions for her and my family
"I'll be nice to you and I'll charge you for it later"
That's why getting close to people frightens me to no end, that's why I keep people at arm's length and that is why I look for reasons to break friendships out of the blue, or leave discord servers or even why I left this forum
I got scared because of my experiences with my own family, I got scared because people were nice to me and my brain quicky thought there were hidden bad intentions (not that they were) and decided to run away
I am too scared of people being nice to me, I am too scared of people because I feel they will hurt me in the end so I run away and end friendships that are barely flourishing
I am scared because of the actions of my own family
I cried, and have been wanting to cry all day but I won't...
I can't believe my own family is like this with me, I can't believe it it's only with me and not other people
I'm very sad, heartbroken and my chest hurts
But at this point I'm just rambling...
At least a few people liked my album with my old songs...
I really am feeling guilty for coming back to their home, to a home where nobody loves me and just kinda puts up with me
To a home of manipulators and ugly people
I'm so stupid
