So, yesterday I rebooted my medical career with a huge intimidating test. I left home way too early, so I had to stand outside the building in the freezing cold for 15 minutes because the doors weren't open yet. I knew no-one and as more people entered the stress and noise were getting to me. I felt a panic attack coming on, but did my breathing exercises and waited.
It turned out that, through no fault of mine, I hadn't been registered for the test, so I had to fix that on the spot. More stress. But then I sat down, started taking the test, and... I was fine. It was like riding a bicycle, a little shaky and rusty at first, but after 15 minutes or so I was relaxed and just went with it. I think I passed my test as well, which is a big plus.
Then today, I had my first day of lectures. I hadn't been in this building for 5 years, mostly because I had dreaded entering them for fear of seeing someone that knew me from "before". Before being when I still studied medicine but barely clung on to my sanity, missing half my classes due to panic attacks and crying spells. I associated this building with failure, because in this place I have had many difficult conversations that led to me temporarily quitting my studies.
But today was a new day, with new hope and new me. Even though I have a great sense of direction I managed to get lost in this familiar place, because they had changed the signs that should point me to my old lecture hall. Then there was the waiting outside. I looked around at the faces of my fellow students. Everyone's young, everyone talking with eachother. They all seemed to know each other. I felt lonely and awkward, and like everyone was secretly judging me for being old and out of place. Anxiety started rising. I reminded myself that this was probably all in my head. Crisis averted again.
In the lecture hall I took my old favorite spot: front row, where nobody wants to sit, so I can listen to the lecture in relative quiet. And then I enjoyed the heck out of the lectures. Talked to one of the professors and explained that this was my first day after a long sick leave. The professor offered to walk me to the administrator to make sure I have all the necessary rights on our digital learning module. We chatted during the walk and not only did she remember me from all those years ago, she told me it's totally badass of me to return after such a long time. And talked to me like I was one of her peers.
Then at my second lecture one of my fellow students came up to me and started chatting to me, out of nowhere. It turned into a very pleasant and interesting conversation about our career plans and mutual interests and I forgot to be awkward. Well, other than forgetting to introduce myself, then feeling to awkward to do so after talking for half an hour. We'll fix that later.
My positive lesson for today: I'm not as awkward or off-putting as I think I am, I can effortlessly pull off a friendly conversation, people actually want to talk to me, and I'm pretty badass.
It turned out that, through no fault of mine, I hadn't been registered for the test, so I had to fix that on the spot. More stress. But then I sat down, started taking the test, and... I was fine. It was like riding a bicycle, a little shaky and rusty at first, but after 15 minutes or so I was relaxed and just went with it. I think I passed my test as well, which is a big plus.
Then today, I had my first day of lectures. I hadn't been in this building for 5 years, mostly because I had dreaded entering them for fear of seeing someone that knew me from "before". Before being when I still studied medicine but barely clung on to my sanity, missing half my classes due to panic attacks and crying spells. I associated this building with failure, because in this place I have had many difficult conversations that led to me temporarily quitting my studies.
But today was a new day, with new hope and new me. Even though I have a great sense of direction I managed to get lost in this familiar place, because they had changed the signs that should point me to my old lecture hall. Then there was the waiting outside. I looked around at the faces of my fellow students. Everyone's young, everyone talking with eachother. They all seemed to know each other. I felt lonely and awkward, and like everyone was secretly judging me for being old and out of place. Anxiety started rising. I reminded myself that this was probably all in my head. Crisis averted again.
In the lecture hall I took my old favorite spot: front row, where nobody wants to sit, so I can listen to the lecture in relative quiet. And then I enjoyed the heck out of the lectures. Talked to one of the professors and explained that this was my first day after a long sick leave. The professor offered to walk me to the administrator to make sure I have all the necessary rights on our digital learning module. We chatted during the walk and not only did she remember me from all those years ago, she told me it's totally badass of me to return after such a long time. And talked to me like I was one of her peers.
Then at my second lecture one of my fellow students came up to me and started chatting to me, out of nowhere. It turned into a very pleasant and interesting conversation about our career plans and mutual interests and I forgot to be awkward. Well, other than forgetting to introduce myself, then feeling to awkward to do so after talking for half an hour. We'll fix that later.
My positive lesson for today: I'm not as awkward or off-putting as I think I am, I can effortlessly pull off a friendly conversation, people actually want to talk to me, and I'm pretty badass.
