Yesterday Pastor preached a sermon against superficiality. He says we all need to get more involved with each other and be more "authentic". He gave as an example someone asking how you are and you just say fine. Fine apparently isn't good enough. We need to open up more, share our emotions and feelings, and so forth.
Well, that might be good advice to a Neurotypical but it is deadly advice to people who are on the spectrum. I've been called a great deal of things but I've never been called superficial. We on the spectrum are known for going on and on about stuff; it's one of our stereotypes. And believe me the NT world does not think kindly of those who are authentic and open and give a detailed history of one's life and health when asked how are you. It took me a LONG time to learn this and to break this habit. No, I'd have to say he's wrong on this one.
The problem with not being superficial is that it takes up TIME. And TIME is something that is in short supply. For example, there are about 150 people that attend services give or take a few. If you get there about 15 or 20 minutes before the start it is impossible to say hello to all 150 let alone go into a more detailed inquiry about their lives. Even if you narrowed it down to 15 people you only have a minute to talk with each before finding your seat. The same for after the service. People are hungry and want to get home. Pastor always says "Come talk with me after service" but he has to be somewhere afterwards too. Oh, he has office hours during the week but if you want to talk with him--I mean really talk with him--you have to take time off work and even then time is limited.
Furthermore we live in an ADHD, 15 second sound bite, tweet and twitter culture. People just don't have the attention spans and there are too many other things competing. If you want to get along you have to swim with the tide. People are a lot ruder, too. When I was young I was taught it was rude to interrupt another person who was speaking. Not any longer. I can't tell you how many times I have been interrupted without even an "excuse me." I used to resent it, now I get the message and move on. What I was saying obviously wasn't important. I've read somewhere that how many times you get interrupted is a sign of your status--high status people are not as likely to be interrrupted as someone who has low status. So, you have got to make it brief.
When I am writing that is another thing. I can go into much more detail because I am not taking away anyone's precious time. Those that want to read what I have written will take the time to read it and those who don't won't. Unlike face-to-face encounters (another thing he went on about) the writer is not forcing anyone to divide his or her attention. Which is another reason I don't like talking about unbelief because it is not a superficial topic. To talk about it as opposed to writing about it means having to fit very complex ideas into a 15-second sound bite. And that's assuming the other person is even listening. Nine times out of ten they are not. That is how I've been able to get away with being a non-believer--because people are so superficial. They see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear.
It's not just church. My employer has been offering a health care plan that has a special prevention option. If you sign up you get a discount. So I signed up and filled out their questionnaire. One of the questions I answered yes to was did I have depression. Ever since then I have been getting e-mails that ask the same damn questions over and over again and they are the select A) B) C) kind. I have had absolutely NO in-depth discussion about depression or its causes. Just the same superficial select one. Well, I know enough about the system to know which options to select without raising too many alarms. Am I making progress in my depression or weight loss or exercise levels? You be the judge.
Superficiality is the grease that makes society function; without it everything would come to a screeching halt. There are just too many people in the world today. And even in a small group of about 5 or 6, again, when you only have a couple of hours and everyone has somewhere to be in the morning and family obligations and so forth, well, there's just NO TIME for real intimacy. You have to follow the script. You have to be somewhat superficial. You can't say anything (nor is it wise to).
Well, that might be good advice to a Neurotypical but it is deadly advice to people who are on the spectrum. I've been called a great deal of things but I've never been called superficial. We on the spectrum are known for going on and on about stuff; it's one of our stereotypes. And believe me the NT world does not think kindly of those who are authentic and open and give a detailed history of one's life and health when asked how are you. It took me a LONG time to learn this and to break this habit. No, I'd have to say he's wrong on this one.
The problem with not being superficial is that it takes up TIME. And TIME is something that is in short supply. For example, there are about 150 people that attend services give or take a few. If you get there about 15 or 20 minutes before the start it is impossible to say hello to all 150 let alone go into a more detailed inquiry about their lives. Even if you narrowed it down to 15 people you only have a minute to talk with each before finding your seat. The same for after the service. People are hungry and want to get home. Pastor always says "Come talk with me after service" but he has to be somewhere afterwards too. Oh, he has office hours during the week but if you want to talk with him--I mean really talk with him--you have to take time off work and even then time is limited.
Furthermore we live in an ADHD, 15 second sound bite, tweet and twitter culture. People just don't have the attention spans and there are too many other things competing. If you want to get along you have to swim with the tide. People are a lot ruder, too. When I was young I was taught it was rude to interrupt another person who was speaking. Not any longer. I can't tell you how many times I have been interrupted without even an "excuse me." I used to resent it, now I get the message and move on. What I was saying obviously wasn't important. I've read somewhere that how many times you get interrupted is a sign of your status--high status people are not as likely to be interrrupted as someone who has low status. So, you have got to make it brief.
When I am writing that is another thing. I can go into much more detail because I am not taking away anyone's precious time. Those that want to read what I have written will take the time to read it and those who don't won't. Unlike face-to-face encounters (another thing he went on about) the writer is not forcing anyone to divide his or her attention. Which is another reason I don't like talking about unbelief because it is not a superficial topic. To talk about it as opposed to writing about it means having to fit very complex ideas into a 15-second sound bite. And that's assuming the other person is even listening. Nine times out of ten they are not. That is how I've been able to get away with being a non-believer--because people are so superficial. They see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear.
It's not just church. My employer has been offering a health care plan that has a special prevention option. If you sign up you get a discount. So I signed up and filled out their questionnaire. One of the questions I answered yes to was did I have depression. Ever since then I have been getting e-mails that ask the same damn questions over and over again and they are the select A) B) C) kind. I have had absolutely NO in-depth discussion about depression or its causes. Just the same superficial select one. Well, I know enough about the system to know which options to select without raising too many alarms. Am I making progress in my depression or weight loss or exercise levels? You be the judge.
Superficiality is the grease that makes society function; without it everything would come to a screeching halt. There are just too many people in the world today. And even in a small group of about 5 or 6, again, when you only have a couple of hours and everyone has somewhere to be in the morning and family obligations and so forth, well, there's just NO TIME for real intimacy. You have to follow the script. You have to be somewhat superficial. You can't say anything (nor is it wise to).
