I havent gone to the gym since before lockdown. I decided to go back because i notice i am getting too skinny. i dont like to talk about that because people wrinkle their nose on it, like its not a problem.
Recently i've been feeling confused. in my journey of solitude, I am worried that I am still depressed. I am worried I am moving on from crying to numbness. I am worried about projection or sublimination. I feel like everyone is against me. or that i'm always having to prove myself, more than most others. when I say prove myself i mean be considered human and adult and deserving of basic respect. people talk to me like a child.
Today i rode an uber and the man was rude. I apparently opened his door too hard and he was telling me not to do that. i have rode many many uber rides and have never been told this. i actually have a 4.84 rating so that is consisent with my story i believe. anyways i made sure i was careful with the door opening upon leaving, but this 50 something year old man yells at me like i'm an idiot, dont slame my door shut!" so you get to yell at me because you miscommunicated what you meant? no. I have a feeling this guy never liked me. he was very tense or rude. I reported him.
i dont like that i have to sit and convince myself that i dont deserve that treatment, but its also like, if everyone treats you that way, isn't that the logical assumption? that you would deserve that? i hate these moments because i internalize them instead of lashing out.
I don't really know what is going on or what to do.
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