I feel better today. I have this weird spiraling pattern. once my work weekend comes (mon and tues), and i have time to be alone, i feel much better. but today i have to go to work again.
i went to visit my old location. i dont like visiting them. i feel like i dont belong. i feel like some people there who greet me are being sideways, meaning they act friendly, but they are the reason i am in my situation. so i hate talking to them. One said to me my work is getting better. I feel these people are always condescending. Theyre patronizing. I dont care what they think about my work when they dont even care about me. being around fake people or people who dont care about me is very stressful.
I know my main stress right now is my job. I am not happy in my relatinoship, but i honestly am not caring about that. I have not tried to keep in contact with him as much as i used to. i have not communicated to him whats going on in my life. I just am still trying to handle my stress alone. love myself alone first. I have a feeling this will never happen though. I feel like the people on here who have no problem with it, they never felt the interest to want friends to begin with. thats what i want. but i know since i was in preschool, as my mom lieks to remind me because i dont remember, i have always been in the search for "real" friends.
but yes, i mess that up as well. for you see, i had a friend date and i messed it up. First, she just didnt show up. no fone call, and she messaged me the day before saying it was happening. Idk whats going on. she was my air bnb, and we try to be friends. her wife was deployed and we hung out more commitedly (meaning we hung out when we said we were gonna). since her wife came back, there have been a lot of cancellations whenever we do decided to get together. idk what the deal is with them. i am wondering if the wife is the reason she cancels. but i dont liek hanging out with them together as a couple, especially because thye dont allow me to bring my bf around, or a bf around (the friend has said she hates men but then invited a man to our hangout without telling me at all). anyways, it took me 6 days to respond to her message. idk why.
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