I want to be alone

My thinking is that many people project guilt when all we do is say the truth. But they expect everyone to lie and just be nice. Even though that's fake. Maybe you're not bad but they can't stand the truth?

I remember that my father (narcissist) always said "you're evil" or "you're ungrateful " or really untrue things when all I said was my opinion or something that wasn't ever unkind. But it wasn't what he wanted to hear. He would still get offended and call me bad names when I don't say ie. I don’t want to eat this (and he made this). So what I'm trying to say NTs egos are so fragile that when we say some they don't like they instantly assume not that they should change thinking but that we're bad.

I've been easily manipulated for a long time people yelling me I lack empathy when what they wanted from me was to lie. So I started trusting that I am not bad but they have to get their insecurities sorted out.
And yes, I ended up alone and isolated. But at least when I meet people and they get offended from what I say after they provoke or whatever I no longer care.

But I agree. This world is insane and full of unnecessary pain

Thank you for your kind words and sharing your experience! I recently lost my only friend and i wrote this when i was feeling really bad. But right now, i don't feel that way at all. Looking back at how that person made me feel, i feel like it was for the best.

I mean i dont even miss her because i noticed how she basically ignored my boundaries. And i too, ignored my boundaries to adapt to her lifestyle. When i stopped doing that, and told her "no, i am not comfortable doing that" she just.. cut off contact with me. So it was more of a her not respecting my boundaries, and not being able to handle someone saying "no" to her. I almost feel more free now that she is out of my life.

Also wanted to add, your experience with your dad is very familiar too.

I feel like in the past, i really had no ability to self advocate. Like, when someone says "you did so and so" even if i did not do it, i would start to believe i actually did it! Like self gaslighting, i would not even consider my own perspective. And i would be flabbergasted when someone actually "deny" and lie about something they did, because i guess my brain does not work like that lol.

It took a lot of rewiring my brain to actually be able to self advocate and be assertive with my own views. Although i am still learning

Oh gee. That sounds a lot like my experience losing who I thought was my best friend for years. She was o ly a friend because I always cheered on her and there for here.
But she was always late to meet me and sometimes showed lack of respect so one day, after she stood me up when I was super low, I finally I pointed it out and then all hell broke loose.
She didn't acknowledge her obvious behaviour but blame shifted. So at this point I realised that I lived in a bubble by masking my own feelings and not speaking my boundaries earlier.
I hope this experience will help you in the future. It helped me. Now I speak boundaries very soon and people always show their real face. The good ones will respect, the bad ones will shift blame and be mean because they just want to take but not give their part to relationship.

But I see you're healing and that freedom is good for us to reassess.