For the last several months, I’ve been in the most emotionally intimate relationship I have ever had.
It was all virtual, I never met him in person. I felt seen, loved, sexy, understood. I felt I was walking hand in hand with someone that put my best interest in the same level that he did his own best interest.
But somebody else in real life appeared, and suddenly things started to change. I was not his woman anymore, I was his friend; and when I felt hurt because of that, and told him I wanted distance, he closed the account we were using to communicate (then he opened it, then closed it again). Where there had been always openness, there was a close a door: he didn’t want to answer my questions. He did not want to talk, because he feared of what I would say to him.
Fear, really? Fear of me?
Where does a relationship go without talking? That’s it? This is too much, I’m overwhelmed, I check out?
He told me that I resented him and that he forgave me for that. I was not resentful, just hurt and bewildered. I was not asking for forgiveness, but for compassion, and understanding. I asked him to make an effort to put himself in my shoes. He answered he couldn’t.
He said he lacked empathy. Then, Why I have never felt that lack before? I always felt understood by him. I always felt my feelings were important to him, I always felt his kindness towards me.
I never ever, not even once, felt any lack of empathy towards me. Except now, during these last days.
I’ve lost too many people in the past year (not physically, but emotionally): my parents, sisters, “best” friends, my husband.
I can’t lose everyone, I can’t walk alone.
I need him.
I’m going to imagine he’s still here with me. That we still talk everyday, that he still loves me and cares about me. He’s going to be my imaginary manfriend, because I can’t take this.
I’m just too tired and I’m not that strong.
It was all virtual, I never met him in person. I felt seen, loved, sexy, understood. I felt I was walking hand in hand with someone that put my best interest in the same level that he did his own best interest.
But somebody else in real life appeared, and suddenly things started to change. I was not his woman anymore, I was his friend; and when I felt hurt because of that, and told him I wanted distance, he closed the account we were using to communicate (then he opened it, then closed it again). Where there had been always openness, there was a close a door: he didn’t want to answer my questions. He did not want to talk, because he feared of what I would say to him.
Fear, really? Fear of me?
Where does a relationship go without talking? That’s it? This is too much, I’m overwhelmed, I check out?
He told me that I resented him and that he forgave me for that. I was not resentful, just hurt and bewildered. I was not asking for forgiveness, but for compassion, and understanding. I asked him to make an effort to put himself in my shoes. He answered he couldn’t.
He said he lacked empathy. Then, Why I have never felt that lack before? I always felt understood by him. I always felt my feelings were important to him, I always felt his kindness towards me.
I never ever, not even once, felt any lack of empathy towards me. Except now, during these last days.
I’ve lost too many people in the past year (not physically, but emotionally): my parents, sisters, “best” friends, my husband.
I can’t lose everyone, I can’t walk alone.
I need him.
I’m going to imagine he’s still here with me. That we still talk everyday, that he still loves me and cares about me. He’s going to be my imaginary manfriend, because I can’t take this.
I’m just too tired and I’m not that strong.
