Right after lunch I got an e-mail today from the supervisor of a department that I have been cross-training in. He said he wanted to see me. I thought, uh-oh, this is not good. And I was right.
Apparently I have been continuing to make the same mistakes that he talked to me about a while back when I first started. I was not aware of this. God knows I have tried to be conscientious in my work. So I said basically that I was not aware that there had been a continuing problem, that nobody had said anything to me about this, and that this sort of thing really shattered my confidence. Well, he said, it's not that big of a deal, it was only a couple of things. Again, why wasn't anything said when this problem was discovered the first time? I do not think it is "no big deal", especially as this is the second time he has spoken to me about it. He'd also been looking for my supervisor (who is off on vacation), so again, this does not sound like "no big deal."
Then he asked me if I liked working in that department. Uh, and how am I supposed to answer that one? "I did, but now I don't? I do, but not if it means jeopardizing my continued employment?" God, how I hate these games! He says he did not mean to make me lose my confidence, just to be more careful in the future; but how do I know that the next time will be the last time? He said something about we all make mistakes and we are only human. Well, that is the trouble. I am only human and a brain-flawed one at that (though he does not know that part).
Paul in his letter to the Romans cries out, "wretched man? Who will deliver me from this body of sin and death?" Well, who will deliver me from my untrustworthy and unreliable autistic brain? He might be able to continue on and say "Praise to the Lord Jesus Christ", but I cannot. I know my weakness all too well, and I know there is no one who can save me from myself.
Furthermore, I am not the only one who is in that department, so not only do I have to worry about my own mistakes, I have to worry about others' mistakes as well. I am the new kid on the block so of course if a mistake is discovered you know who is to blame. He himself said it that the others have had years of experience doing this job. So it is no use saying, how do you know it was me? I mean, I probably did make the mistakes he said, and we talked about ways to prevent it, but if someone else is careless and in a hurry, how do I know that I won't get called in again?
Only human. Some days I wish they'd hurry up with the Singularity so that we can all be downloaded into computers and not have to worry about the messy business of being human ever again. Have you ever noticed that machines are given slack that people aren't? Plus--and this is a big advantage--machines don't have feelings (yet), so nobody ever has to worry about them being unprofessional. Whenever I am faced with a situation like this I tell myself to think like a computer. A computer doesn't care. A computer doesn't feel. A computer just does what it is programmed to. Emotions, feelings, desires, they all just get in the way. Well, I am an actor. The question is, what role am I playing? Am I a human playing a machine simulating a human?
I'm not saying he should overlook my mistakes and not say anything about them. What I am saying, is that it should be brought to my attention right away, not let it slide for awhile until several incidents have piled up and then confront me. And please, no games. If the next time I screw up it means I will not be allowed to work in that department anymore or worse yet, lose my job entirely, SAY SO. Don't be nicey-nicey tiptoe beat around the bush.
Apparently I have been continuing to make the same mistakes that he talked to me about a while back when I first started. I was not aware of this. God knows I have tried to be conscientious in my work. So I said basically that I was not aware that there had been a continuing problem, that nobody had said anything to me about this, and that this sort of thing really shattered my confidence. Well, he said, it's not that big of a deal, it was only a couple of things. Again, why wasn't anything said when this problem was discovered the first time? I do not think it is "no big deal", especially as this is the second time he has spoken to me about it. He'd also been looking for my supervisor (who is off on vacation), so again, this does not sound like "no big deal."
Then he asked me if I liked working in that department. Uh, and how am I supposed to answer that one? "I did, but now I don't? I do, but not if it means jeopardizing my continued employment?" God, how I hate these games! He says he did not mean to make me lose my confidence, just to be more careful in the future; but how do I know that the next time will be the last time? He said something about we all make mistakes and we are only human. Well, that is the trouble. I am only human and a brain-flawed one at that (though he does not know that part).
Paul in his letter to the Romans cries out, "wretched man? Who will deliver me from this body of sin and death?" Well, who will deliver me from my untrustworthy and unreliable autistic brain? He might be able to continue on and say "Praise to the Lord Jesus Christ", but I cannot. I know my weakness all too well, and I know there is no one who can save me from myself.
Furthermore, I am not the only one who is in that department, so not only do I have to worry about my own mistakes, I have to worry about others' mistakes as well. I am the new kid on the block so of course if a mistake is discovered you know who is to blame. He himself said it that the others have had years of experience doing this job. So it is no use saying, how do you know it was me? I mean, I probably did make the mistakes he said, and we talked about ways to prevent it, but if someone else is careless and in a hurry, how do I know that I won't get called in again?
Only human. Some days I wish they'd hurry up with the Singularity so that we can all be downloaded into computers and not have to worry about the messy business of being human ever again. Have you ever noticed that machines are given slack that people aren't? Plus--and this is a big advantage--machines don't have feelings (yet), so nobody ever has to worry about them being unprofessional. Whenever I am faced with a situation like this I tell myself to think like a computer. A computer doesn't care. A computer doesn't feel. A computer just does what it is programmed to. Emotions, feelings, desires, they all just get in the way. Well, I am an actor. The question is, what role am I playing? Am I a human playing a machine simulating a human?
I'm not saying he should overlook my mistakes and not say anything about them. What I am saying, is that it should be brought to my attention right away, not let it slide for awhile until several incidents have piled up and then confront me. And please, no games. If the next time I screw up it means I will not be allowed to work in that department anymore or worse yet, lose my job entirely, SAY SO. Don't be nicey-nicey tiptoe beat around the bush.
