Will I learn conversational skills as time passes?

[ftfipps]

I have trouble meeting people for the first time and convincing them that I'm normal and not strange. Like most aspies, I have trouble with small talk. I never latched onto small talk with people in my entire 30 year life span. I never learned how to do it like most people I see, so laid back and enjoying interaction with these strangers. Basically, I have d with anxiety and I hate doing simple things like going to the gas station. I would like to be on Xanax...maybe I'll pay the money to go see a doctor rather than go to the free clinic. I don't have a job and no insurance. All my life I have been so good at interaction with people but now I'm almost paranoid about dealing with people.

 

[OlLiE]

step 1: we are unlike most other people, that does not make us abnormal, accept there are somethings that you are better at than others, just like everyone else
step 2: there is no one size fits all 'other people', you will inevitably get along better with some than with others
step 3: people that you do click with will not mind your being different, you don't need to do anything special in your conversation skills other than show respect for whom you are talking to and try not to let your honesty offend them
step 4: you can learn to fake it, just look at the 'infotainment news' for content background for small talk and base your conversation purely on associating the results of observational skills with preprogrammed appropriate behaviours, just realise that it is exhausting to do, if i do it to long and don't leave a conversation on time i get exhausted, withdrawn, irritable and unpleasant

 

[Suzanne]

Each time I meet someone knew, I always have this little voice that says: here is your chance to prove you are normal and somehow either the way I look or sound etc, tells that person ( often subconscously) that I am not "normal" and thus, there goes my chance to be accepted ie that person will treat me ok, but not overly friendly.

I guess it goes without saying that diverse people ( not necessarily aspergers), think I am normal and I like being around them, because suddenly I can "ease off that horribly uncomfortable mask" that never really works fully for me anyway.

So, I can have conversation with diverse people; but not typical people. And the difference is: the content. With diverse ones, we go right into those kind of subjects that most "ordinary" people veer away from.

I find it utterly boring to talk about babies etc and always hate it when hubby says. You talk to the female and I will talk to the man and this is because, my husband is not a conversationlist anyway and feels often left out, because the other guy is as equally as aminated as me and my husband does not feel comfortable with that, which is fair enough, but oh boy! It is such a struggle to talk to the female, when all she wants to talk about are her children and grandchildren and even if I were a mother, I would not want to spend my time discussing what my children have been up to!

 

[Progster]

If I tried to use small talk, I'd very soon establish myself as being different, because it doesn't come naturally to me and I'd sound very stiff and scripted - or I talk about the weather, but in details about weather systems, el ninos, glabal warming, etc - because this is how the topic is interesting to me, I don't use conversation to make social connections in the same way as they do, for me it's all about exchanging interesting information and learning.

So I don't try. There are some topics that I can talk to people about happily, such as music or TV documentaries that I watch online, I talk about those and let my natural personality shine through, and people will see the real me and either like me or leave me. I think that I'm much more likely to make friends if I be myself, I take the mask off and be me, because I think that people can tell when it's a mask and I'm faking it.

 

[Kirsty]

Virtual hugs, Suzanne! I couldn’t have explained this better myself. It rung so true to me that I literally had to read it slower and about three times per paragraph as I was so shocked how similar we feel. I was thinking, this is it!

I didn’t know you were aninmated, though. I guess the tone of someone’s personality isn’t as noticeable on a forum. I thought you were quiet like me.

Babies, small talk, weather, etc. bores me so I don’t try and look interested. I have a very good friend that I can talk about anything to and he is obviously diverse. With him I can ‘be myself’ and also not worry about him making a move on me because he won’t. He was warned a long time ago (not that he did anything) or i’ll end the friendship.

 

[Suzanne]

or I talk about the weather, but in details about weather systems, el ninos, glabal warming, etc - because this is how the topic is interesting to me, I don't use conversation to make social connections in the same way as they do, for me it's all about exchanging interesting information and learning.

I am the same way. Even if it were about babies ( as I mentioned) I would go into details about them.

An nt female had her gallbladder removed before I did, but it is me, who knows all about the gallbladder ie its role and what happens when it is removed and she, just had it removed and that was it. In fact, she said recently: it is as though you can see what you are talking about and true, I can "see" the workings.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

Daniel Wendler is an Aspie whose special interest is social skills. He has a blog and wrote a book about it. His Deli Metaphor might help you with conversation flow.

 

[Kirsty]

Get The Friends You Want

Sign up to this, everyone. I have and it’s worth it.