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Why we end up marrying the wrong people

Mia

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
This is an excellent article, although quite extensive. And the best practical advice I've read on marriage in a long time, it makes logical sense.

How we end up marrying the wrong people

Anyone we could marry would, of course, be a little wrong for us. It is wise to be appropriately pessimistic here. Perfection is not on the cards. Unhappiness is a constant. Nevertheless, one encounters some couples of such primal, grinding mismatch, such deep-seated incompatibility, that one has to conclude that something else is at play beyond the normal disappointments and tensions of every long-term relationship: some people simply shouldn’t be together.

How do the errors happen? With appalling ease and regularity. Given that marrying the wrong person is about the single easiest and also costliest mistake any of us can make (and one which places an enormous burden on the state, employers and the next generation), it is extraordinary, and almost criminal, that the issue of marrying intelligently is not more systematically addressed at a national and personal level, as road safety or smoking are.

It’s all the sadder because in truth, the reasons why people make the wrong choices are easy to lay out and unsurprising in their structure. They tend to fall into some of the following basic categories.

One: We don’t understand ourselves

When first looking out for a partner, the requirements we come up with are coloured by a beautiful non-specific sentimental vagueness: we’ll say we really want to find someone who is ‘kind’ or ‘fun to be with’, ‘attractive’ or ‘up for adventure…’

It isn’t that such desires are wrong, they are just not remotely precise enough in their understanding of what we in particular are going to require in order to stand a chance of being happy – or, more accurately, not consistently miserable.

All of us are crazy in very particular ways. We’re distinctively neurotic, unbalanced and immature, but don’t know quite the details because no one ever encourages us too hard to find them out. An urgent, primary task of any lover is therefore to get a handle on the specific ways in which they are mad. They have to get up to speed on their individual neuroses. They have to grasp where these have come from, what they make them do – and most importantly, what sort of people either provoke or assuage them. A good partnership is not so much one between two healthy people (there aren’t many of these on the planet), it’s one between two demented people who have had the skill or luck to find a non-threatening conscious accommodation between their relative insanities.

The very idea that we might not be too difficult as people should set off alarm bells in any prospective partner. The question is just where the problems will lie: perhaps we have a latent tendency to get furious when someone disagrees with us, or we can only relax when we are working, or we’re a bit tricky around intimacy after sex, or we’ve never been so good at explaining what’s going on when we’re worried. It’s these sort of issues that – over decades – create catastrophes and that we therefore need to know about way ahead of time, in order to look out for people who are optimally designed to withstand them. A standard question on any early dinner date should be quite simply: ‘And how are you mad?’

Balance of the article here:

http://thephilosophersmail.com/relationships/how-we-end-up-marrying-the-wrong-people/

Comments?
 
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Interesting, but I find articles like this frustrating.

I happen to be among those married to the wrong person. I'll tell you how it happened.

My current spouse had all kinds of ideas about the kind of person she wanted to be in a relationship with, and she had been in many other relationships. I really have no idea how she saw any of those things in me, but she assures me that she did, and sometimes says that I was putting on a show to attract her.

We are compatible in many ways, enjoy a lot of the same activities, have similar backgrounds, but we just never get along well for any length of time, and it prevents us from becoming better people.

When we first met, I had been single for 6 years following a divorce from the person who was really my first girlfriend. I had a few dates with two or three women, but was more interested in doing my own thing, and I really had no idea what kind of person I would like to be my partner. It all seems so random and out of my control, that I just can't see how anyone can develop a list of desired characteristics with any realistic expectation that they will find anyone able to fulfill more than a couple of them. Then there is the issue of changes over time.
 
Think what I took away from the article was not so much it's clearly analyzed practicality, the idea that one has to know oneself in order to marry in a logical manner. Or the emotional wherewithal required to reach that point, something I would think requires a lifetime.

It was the concept of 'happiness' as fleeting, not forever, that there are moments of happiness throughout a lifetime. That had been one of my expectations when I married in my twenties, to be happy for 'ever and ever'. With little knowledge of self, or any idea of what I might look for in a partner. It was more that I met someone who was not like this or like that. I knew what I didn't want in a husband, but not exactly what I did want.

Think that if both people in the relationship are committed to working on it, throughout their lives, they will grow into the sort of marriage the writer alludes to. It's much more a question of what each person wants; desires or requires in a marriage. Whether they are willing to put aside certain hardwired ideas in order to accept the other as imperfect, as we all are.
 
I gave marriage a great deal of thought: I did want a happy life partnership. I went in with a strong picture of what character elements I wanted. Kindness, sense of humor, liked having pets, supportive of my own interests in culture and ideas.

I really did not care what they looked like, or what their job was, or their social status, etc. I had seen people put emphasis on this, to their eventual regret.
 
This definitely strikes a chord with me. I just recently learned about my AS and I am still trying to put it all together as to who I am, in midlife of all times! I have always felt better about my marriage when we spend more time apart than together in the past, but things have really gone down hill lately. There is no physical component in my marriage at all at this point, and we are both stressed out over difficulties with our autistic son. Commitment, obligation, and debt are really what keep me in it. Our counselor posed the question to us last session about why we are married, neither of us answered verbally, but the above are my thoughts. If we split, I doubt highly that I will consider marriage again, now that I have a much better idea of who I am and why.
 
... I have always felt better about my marriage when we spend more time apart than together in the past, but things have really gone down hill lately. There is no physical component in my marriage at all at this point, and we are both stressed out over difficulties with our autistic son. Commitment, obligation, and debt are really what keep me in it. Our counselor posed the question to us last session about why we are married, neither of us answered verbally, but the above are my thoughts. If we split, I doubt highly that I will consider marriage again, now that I have a much better idea of who I am and why.

I am glad you are getting counseling. And that is a very good question. Since there is a child involved, it can often be best to handle things with friendship still possible.

I have seen so many feel obligated to push staying together into hostile territory, and then everyone suffers.
 
I've had issues with the in-laws as well, especially since we all moved into one house for the sake of the kids. I've always been told that I have a bad demeanor, lack of enthusiasm, and limited focus by the in-laws, who have claimed that they 'walk on eggshells' around me. I do not wake up in the morning with the intent of being evil, and I have no grievances with those I live with. I have come to realize that I tend to project a false image due to my non-smiling (neutral) nature, voice inflection, natural annoyance with interruptions, and irritation with lack of solitude. I'm tempted to propose living apart in order to improve things, although I know that would run contrary to my FIL's Christian beliefs. I know that having a place that is completely mine, with no one else having access, would help me a lot, but is not financially feasible. I also strongly feel that the FIL is passive-aggressive without realizing it. The FIL is also very annoyed with my lack of executive function skills, and accuses me of having no interest in the property. I'm close to being fed-up and my poor wife is in the middle. My FIL is very hard-headed and cannot conceive of the possibility that not everyone requires having close relationships and property. I sure don't. My primary concern is and shall be the welfare of my children, and I cannot serve them well while being miserable.
 
I've had issues with the in-laws as well, especially since we all moved into one house for the sake of the kids.... My primary concern is and shall be the welfare of my children, and I cannot serve them well while being miserable.

That sounds awful. And I think all people underestimate how well we can cope with AWFUL. Recognize the limit of what you can put up with, before circumstances grind you down beyond recovery.
 
I'd wager the majority of humans marry the wrong type of person.

Hell there is nothing wrong with forming a long term relationship with someone without ever getting married.

People tend to confuse their feelings of attraction and sex with love and caring.
People also feel a need to be coupled and this causes many to rush into long term relationship with the wrong person.
 

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