Why I Think **Relationships And Sex** Are Just Too Dangerous For Some Aspies

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

Hmmm. I don't feel like any "beacon of hope" myself. Just someone who has reconciled themselves to the likelihood of being alone in this world until I leave it.

Self-awareness may keep me out of trouble more so now than in the past, but I don't see any romances blooming on my horizon. Sometimes it just happens that way. Then again, cosmically perhaps it was supposed to. There must be some sort of lesson to learn in being so alone for so long.

A few of the many things I did to help myself (by de-evolving the part of me that I came to see as a parasite back to the state it was when I was a 10yr old) was the following;

1) If I'd never been in a relationship before, then that meant that all the happiest moments in my life didn't involve love
2) You can't miss or truely yearn for that which you haven't ever had
3) Love, it isn't for everyone, but not purely just because others can't make it work, but in the case of me it was that it never sat well with my true 'love hating' personality (ever since the very beginnings of , growing up) which I'd established as part of my true identity at age 10 and was happy with until destructive changes forced themselves on me (and upsetting me very much) at ages 12-13 and tried to usurp my identity and control me. I realized that the true tradgedy was not that I was never going to have a girlfriend in my life, but that I was mentally abused, bullied and manipulated by a part of me that was never really a part of the real 'me'. This admitedly is a massive over-simplification.
4) Look at your present/future goals/ambissions that have nothing to do with love and focus on them
5) Get yourself to see love as a bad thing that you don't want and get really good at this. Get yourself out of the habit of looking at certain women and envying couples etc. See yourself perhaps as being above and beyond love.
6) Pre-occupy yourself (there are so many things that you can fit in 10 lifetimes, so 1 shouldn't be hard.

I have admittedly also learnt how better to make love work too (not that I desire it in any way, shape or form anymore and nor could I properly have got it to work even if I had) afterall, I went to a party and out clubbing for the first time ever recently and purely because of how 'it' was coercing me into trying hard enough to make such things happen. It drove me to do it, but it was my skills that got me there and hey- I got some b**bies flashed at me and did a few other racy things with a lovely girl (all one off's) but I also won friends (sort of) and no-one is more useless than me at doing all of that typically (I'm a 27yr old and somehow I was doing that with 17-19yr olds ). In the end I still have friends (well sort of) from that unexpected group and I am able to have fun without women needing to be a direct part of that. Me and some of the guys got lost from the main group and that was the best part of the night.

 

[Judge]

A few of the many things I did to help myself (by de-evolving the part of me that I came to see as a parasite back to the state it was when I was a 10yr old) was the following;

1) If I'd never been in a relationship before, then that meant that all the happiest moments in my life didn't involve love
2) You can't miss or truly yearn for that which you haven't ever had

In my own case I've had multiple relationships. All with NT women and they all ended pretty much the same. One I almost married. Different dynamic for me I suppose.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

In my own case I've had multiple relationships. All with NT women and they all ended pretty much the same. One I almost married. Different dynamic for me I suppose.

You've had better luck than plenty of other hopeless hopefuls then. Fortunately I'm no longer one of those hopefuls. Perhaps you should talk to Spiller who had a previous bad relationship of which came close to marriage but ended badly.

 

[Judge]

You've had better luck than plenty of other hopeless hopefuls then. Fortunately I'm no longer one of those hopefuls. Perhaps you should talk to Spiller who had a previous bad relationship of which came close to marriage but ended badly.

Well...also bear in mind that I'm considerably older than most of you guys. I've had a lot more time to reflect on such a thing. For the most part I simply began to give up on relationships over 20 years ago. But I try to remain somewhat philosophical about it all. There are no guarantees in life. Some of us will fare better than others, and not necessarily in the same way.

I like to think my next life may be very different socially speaking.

 

[Ste11aeres]

5) Get yourself to see love as a bad thing that you don't want and get really good at this. Get yourself out of the habit of looking at certain women and envying couples etc. See yourself perhaps as being above and beyond love.

I think what would be better would be to stop identifying love with romance. Love=/= Romance/relationships/sex.
And yes, people in romantic-sexual relationships should love each other. But you know who else love each other? Parents and children, siblings, mentor/mentee type friends, best friends, etc, etc.
Love is a good thing. That's an objective fact. To say otherwise is sour grapes. But romance/sex is not the only type of love, and romance/sex should be something that you don't need in order to love and be loved, or in order to be happy.

6) Pre-occupy yourself (there are so many things that you can fit in 10 lifetimes, so 1 shouldn't be hard.

This is good advice.

 

[Warmheart]

There are people in our lives who love us. Caretaking happens, with or without a mate. We are all in this together.

 

[wyverary]

I think anyone- male, female, or anyone in between- of any sexual orientation- deserve the right to not be "pressured" into feeling like they need to have ANY sort of romantic/sexual relationship in order to be "whole." As Warmheart and Ste11aeres so wisely pointed out, there are many forms of love, all equally valid, precious. I mean, I can feel more emotionally attached to my precious pup than I can to almost any person... does that mean there's still a "hole" to be filled just because I'm not in any sexual or romantic relationship with another person?

I am asexual (realized that after a couple of disastrous relationships), but I know plenty of people who are not, who are perfectly happy to be single, alone...and if someone happens by, that fulfills the role of "partner" or what-have-you, then good for them, but really, they don't care if that never happens. Not that it's that way for everyone...but it's possible to have that outlook, and that doesn't mean they frown upon relationships, or any kind of gender or orientation or anything like that, or that they've had any kind of "bad experience" with [fill in the blank]...it's simply that they find what works for them, what makes them happy.

Do I think relationships may not be suitable for Aspies? I think that's asking the wrong question. I think it spans well beyond simply being on the spectrum; you can be "Neurotypical" and still, maybe, relationships just aren't your thing.

I'm not saying I don't feel bad for people who have been abused in any way by a partner. I fully understand how that can color your view of things, and I respect that, and I only wish the best for you, no matter your circumstance.

But are relationships inherently "dangerous for Aspies"? I don't think that's a spectrum thing. There are a whole host of factors that come into play, your personality type, what sort of person you are drawn to...

I have found my own path, and I have a queerplatonic partner and we are both perfectly happy with that situation, no romance, no sex, just...emotional intimacy I suppose. That of course comes with its own complications, but I think it illustrates that we all have different needs, different experiences...and I don't think anyone should EVER "give up" unless they've fully thought things through and dug deep within themselves and recognized exactly what it is they need (it was a painful process for me).

I guess I'm just rambling, but I hope there's a nugget or two in that wall of text. As I often say, "Just my $0.02"

 

[peoplesrjames]

I've noticed that a lot of NT's seem concerned that I'm not in a relationship nor aspire to be. I haven't given up on dating, but I realized that I'm a hard boyfriend to have.

 

[Tanya]

One thing girls really like in a guy is excessive confidence. If you don't have confidence, fake it. When I was on the dating scene I used to pretend I was confident, and it worked. Now I'm happily married.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

Well...also bear in mind that I'm considerably older than most of you guys.

You poor fella, how many years you got left until your meeting with the grim reaper. Kidding.

Love is a good thing. That's an objective fact. To say otherwise is sour grapes. But romance/sex is not the only type of love, and romance/sex should be something that you don't need in order to love and be loved, or in order to be happy.

Yes this is perhaps what I meant or intended to say.

I mean, I can feel more emotionally attached to my precious pup than I can to almost any person... does that mean there's still a "hole" to be filled just because I'm not in any sexual or romantic relationship with another person?

Agreed

Do I think relationships may not be suitable for Aspies? I think that's asking the wrong question. I think it spans well beyond simply being on the spectrum; you can be "Neurotypical" and still, maybe, relationships just aren't your thing.

I still think aspies will find it harder, even though problems, beatings, rapes and various other things can all natrually and often exist outside of those on the spectrum.

But are relationships inherently "dangerous for Aspies"? I don't think that's a spectrum thing. There are a whole host of factors that come into play, your personality type, what sort of person you are drawn to...

Aspies can be hard to live with or fathom.

I have found my own path, and I have a queerplatonic partner and we are both perfectly happy with that situation, no romance, no sex, just...emotional intimacy I suppose. That of course comes with its own complications

OMG....you're dating big bang theories Sheldon Cooper aren't you....aren't you....????

I've noticed that a lot of NT's seem concerned that I'm not in a relationship nor aspire to be. I haven't given up on dating, but I realized that I'm a hard boyfriend to have.

God yes, and that was all I needed, my friends and family (and the occassional stranger) giving encouragement to thy greatest enemy....the 'love parasite'. But in the end I won the war, even if it won many of the battles.

 

[Judge]

You poor fella, how many years you got left until your meeting with the grim reaper. Kidding.

Maybe two...maybe five. Depends on which gives out first. Money or health. I'd like to make it to retirement, but it may not be in the cards either. Difficult to say at this point in time. But then there are no guarantees in prosperity, let alone finding love.

Getting old can be a lot more problematic than simply being lonely. Not kidding.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I still think aspies will find it harder, even though problems, beatings, rapes and various other things can all naturally and often exist outside of those on the spectrum.

It's true that social problems of one sort or another (or if not the problems themselves, at least the propensity for them) are a pretty universally acknowledged part of the very definition of Aspergers. So yes, as a group, we are likely to find social and relationship stuff harder.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

Maybe two...maybe five. Depends on which gives out first. Money or health. I'd like to make it to retirement, but it may not be in the cards either. Difficult to say at this point in time. But then there are no guarantees in prosperity, let alone finding love.

Getting old can be a lot more problematic than simply being lonely. Not kidding.

The dog in your avatar represents your unfortunate frail state in real life then. I don't offer false sympathy to those I don't know (just because it seems appropriate to most others, typically samey NT's), but having just watched the first of the star wars films (in eager anticipation of the new film trio approaching us) I feel that it is most appropriate to say "may the force be with you".

As for the terrors of old age, well I'm one of those people (paradoxical in nature as I am) that has wisdom well in excess of his years and I'm taking some steps (with some apparent visible success I may add) to stave off parts of aging by reacting and researching to age related dangers as they attack me. I do not believe (nor have I since almost 10yrs ago to this very day) that my generation is one to need worry about being blighted with the typical worries of old age. All hope goes out to Dr Aubrey De Grey!!

 

[Judge]

The dog in your avatar represents your unfortunate frail state in real life then. I don't offer false sympathy to those I don't know (just because it seems appropriate to most others, typically samey NT's), but having just watched the first of the star wars films (in eager anticipation of the new film trio approaching us) I feel that it is most appropriate to say "may the force be with you".

As for the terrors of old age, well I'm one of those people (paradoxical in nature as I am) that has wisdom well in excess of his years and I'm taking some steps (with some apparent visible success I may add) to stave off parts of aging by reacting and researching to age related dangers as they attack me. I do not believe (nor have I since almost 10yrs ago to this very day) that my generation is one to need worry about being blighted with the typical worries of old age. All hope goes out to Dr Aubrey De Grey!!

With "sympathy" like that I think I'd prefer your contempt.

LOL...but yeah at your age I thought the same too. But then pretty much every generation thinks they're immortal until they reach a certain age.

"Every day you get older. Now that's a law!" - Paul Newman, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

With "sympathy" like that I think I'd prefer your contempt.

LOL...but yeah at your age I thought the same too. But then pretty much every generation thinks they're immortal until they reach a certain age.

"Every day you get older. Now that's a law!" - Paul Newman, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

Well lets face it, there's far more technology and a greater sharing of resources and information to accelerate all we need to be an immortal generation. If you buy yourself x amount of years to stay the age you are then plenty of progress can be made in that time to improve you the next time round and so on. How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

 

[Judge]

If you buy yourself x amount of years to stay the age you are then plenty of progress can be made in that time to improve you the next time round and so on. How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

When or if you reach your sixties, look me up and you can tell me all about it.