Why do I think I can change things?

[SimonSays]

The trouble with having suppressed my autism seems to have left me in a vulnerable state when it comes to dealing with other NT people.

For example take where I live . I haven't been here long just over a month. There are four other people who live in this shared house. I don't know any of them. They keep to themselves and that's fine by me. Unfortunately there is a very selfish and inconsiderate person in the room next door playing his music and his television too loud, smoking in a non-smoking house. if you ask him to turn it down he gets angry and aggressive. He doesn't want to do anything that he doesn't want to do he's not interested in what I feel. I can't have anything to do with him. I’ve spoken to the landlord but nothing changes. so the only option is find somewhere else and I am looking, but I have to tolerate it In the meantime.

I am better at accepting things. when I smell the cigarette smoke I put my jackets at the bottom of the door and try to block some of the Points where it comes in. it doesn't last that long he's not here all the time but my autism really messes with me when it comes to cigarette smoke. The man doesn't know that I'm on the spectrum he wouldn't care anyway but it makes it very difficult for me to be in a situation like this with people like that.

But I have to be somewhere and right now this is where I am. so I could either keep thinking thoughts of this isn't right and it's not fair and he is inconsiderate And have them go around and around my head and make me feel very unhappy or I can just focus on what it is I do and let him affect me as little as possible, keep my state of mind in a good place, see it as a kind of test. Can I accept him without feeling like things have to be different when in many ways I know I am Overly sensitive And Not really comfortable in this environment? but it's better than where I was in the hostel and so small steps As I attempt to Find my way.

In connecting with this forum suddenly feeling like I have something to say having conversations enjoying the experience, even taking things into private message which is not something I ever really think about doing as I'm quite happy to talk publicly about anything .

But today Seems a very subdued day not a lot going on not much to say And suddenly I feel a lot like I did just before I came here. Little bit despondent a little bit down feeling like a victim of circumstances It seems to fluctuate .

Everything changes even when it feels like I'm rising up something happens to knock me back down again. Even when I get to speak to somebody who has had some unusual experiences And find that I can say something which I think helps I don't know if it has I will find out at some point. But it feels like Just for a moment there is meaning in my life I have purpose I can say things that i used to say once before. That I can care I can help And these feel like good things to me like I am better. And then I realise I'm not better I'm just having moments of lucidity as here for me is quite difficult actually. That while I'm obviously complicated the predominant situation Is no real life. No way out. That's not necessarily true and everything changes. five minutes before I found the link to this place I didn't know it existed.

But it's all about being Present accepting things as they are not constantly trying to change what’s happening, just myself, just adjusting and adapting to the situation that isn't easy. Just living in the world isn't easy and in the current climate even harder.


The challenge of attempting to live alone in the world which for the most part is very difficult to navigate and deal with is not easy it wasn't easy before the pandemic it's far from easy now

 

[Gracey]

I'd always thought how you describe your fluctuating to be usual, or 'normal'- if there is such a thing.

Just as we feel we're getting topside of a situation, it's almost a given that something else will happen to throw us off balance for a while.
"Two steps forward, one step back"

Congratulate yourself on those moments of lucidity.
you could just give up altogether and spiral ever downward,
but you don't

You block up gaps in doorways rather than meltdown or remain helpless.
(creative solution )
You chat on this site. You report the nuisance to your landlord. You're looking for alternative accommodation.
These are all a start.
And we all have to start somewhere.

I'm at the beginning of viewing some of the mild problems I'm having as challenges.
Stoism, if you like.
In that I'm just starting to look forward to how I might (creatively) deal with whatever comes at me.

I don't try to change the events. They play out how they're supposed to.
I can only change my perspective.
In a funny old sort of way I'm enjoying the challenges.

 

[Thinx]

It is tough, what you are up against, but yet I agree that alongside taking actions to improve things, it's good to choose not to freak out, but to creatively cope as best one can, short term until a better solution can be achieved. Knowing you are working on getting a room that suits you better is helpful, it gives you something to look forward to.

Any chance you can get something with a Housing Association? They are often good landlords and you might be someone who would qualify for their accommodation, it may be worth looking into.

Sorry you are up against this, and thanks for your threads which are interesting to read.

 

[Fino]

Maybe, when it's possible, you should volunteer somewhere.

 

[OkRad]

A person smoking in a non-smoking area and the person in charge not doing anything about it has nothing to do with your autism and NT's. It has to do with someone violating a standard and you being left -truly- a victim.

Now I know there are people on here who smoke and this is not about smoking or not smoking. This is about someone violating a set rule that was in place when you chose to spend your money on that commodity (housing). It is wrong that you are suddenly put into such a situation and you have a right to be angry.

It is wrong that they would just assumed you would keep your mouth shut and simmer when you had a right to the space you thought it would be.

It would be the same in reverse. If you thought you were renting a smoker-friendly place and suddenly they said NO SMOKING.

They changed the rules on you and need (as many others do) a certain kind of space in which to bring you peace.

Leave if you can. You have a right to complain and get out your rent if you need to.

 

[SimonSays]

I don't try to change the events. They play out how they're supposed to.
I can only change my perspective.
In a funny old sort of way I'm enjoying the challenges

It’s not easy to enjoy the challenges but there is something to doing this. It is empowering. Like, I can’t stand the cigarette smoke, and that’s easily surrounded by thoughts of unfair, wrong, he shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it, etc. And yet while I shouldn’t have to bare it, and be able to live in peace, if I can accept that it is happening, there is peace to be found. It’s about changing my thought pattern. Not easy for sure, but accepting something I can’t change does bring a kind of peace. Peace of mind is so important to me.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

A person smoking in a non-smoking area and the person in charge not doing anything about it has nothing to do with your autism and NT's. It has to do with someone violating a standard and you being left -truly- a victim.

Now I know there are people on here who smoke and this is not about smoking or not smoking. This is about someone violating a set rule that was in place when you chose to spend your money on that commodity (housing). It is wrong that you are suddenly put into such a situation and you have a right to be angry.

It is wrong that they would just assumed you would keep your mouth shut and simmer when you had a right to the space you thought it would be.

It would be the same in reverse. If you thought you were renting a smoker-friendly place and suddenly they said NO SMOKING.

They changed the rules on you and need (as many others do) a certain kind of space in which to bring you peace.

Leave if you can. You have a right to complain and get out your rent if you need to.

Quite true and worth looking at again. If i sell you a car and it doesnt have a seat how can you drive it? If you pay rent you habe rights and reasonable expectations. Loud music a smoking indoors? Sounds like a teenager! I would complain, myself

 

[Neonatal RRT]

The property owner and/or landlord has the authority to put this person "on notice" or be evicted. Right now, this obnoxious, inconsiderate person you speak of is holding power over you,...he is influencing you. If you can establish a relationship with the landlord and/or have others in the building, written petition, or otherwise, back your complaint about breaking rules, etc. Then, you might have some power over this other person. Take the specific example of a "non-smoking" room,...property owners do not want to deal with the costs associated with a professional cleaning after the tenant leaves, nor the inevitable burn marks on his property, nor the stink in his HVAC system and more filter replacement, nor the increased risk of a fire, insurance costs, liability, etc. See my point here,...you're not powerless. I just fired off a list within a few seconds,...I am sure you could make a convincing case for the landlord or property owner by appealing to his financial investment in the property.

 

[SimonSays]

The property owner and/or landlord has the authority to put this person "on notice" or be evicted. Right now, this obnoxious, inconsiderate person you speak of is holding power over you,...he is influencing you. If you can establish a relationship with the landlord and/or have others in the building, written petition, or otherwise, back your complaint about breaking rules, etc. Then, you might have some power over this other person. Take the specific example of a "non-smoking" room,...property owners do not want to deal with the costs associated with a professional cleaning after the tenant leaves, nor the inevitable burn marks on his property, nor the stink in his HVAC system and more filter replacement, nor the increased risk of a fire, insurance costs, liability, etc. See my point here,...you're not powerless. I just fired off a list within a few seconds,...I am sure you could make a convincing case for the landlord or property owner by appealing to his financial investment in the property.

Right. Each time I’ve raised the issue with the landlord he’s completely ignored it. No response no communication. I had to contact him about the excessive noise and he did assist me with that and it is better although not solved. I dont know why he can’t or won’t do anything about the smoking and honestly in many ways I’m glad. Because it’s encouraged me to seek out a new place and while I haven’t found it yet they may be something that would be much better for me. I should know more tomorrow tomorrow.

I never really wanted to be here I had a bad feeling about it before I ever arrived but it was better than where I was and I see it as a stepping stone to perhaps where I will be. So because it is like this I have the right to just leave. Things have a way of working themselves out don’t they.

But you’re right it should be possible to do all of those things you suggested and if I really wanted to live here as I thought I did initially perhaps something could be done. But actually I find The way this person is: slamming his bedroom door whether it’s 5 o’clock in the afternoon or 5 o’clock in the morning, slamming the front door which is right under my room. It is beyond unreasonable. He is selfish and obnoxious and I don’t want to live anywhere near somebody like that.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Right. Each time I’ve raised the issue with the landlord he’s completely ignored it. No response no communication. I had to contact him about the excessive noise and he did assist me with that and it is better although not solved. I dont know why he can’t or won’t do anything about the smoking and honestly in many ways I’m glad. Because it’s encouraged me to seek out a new place and while I haven’t found it yet they may be something that would be much better for me. I should know more tomorrow tomorrow.

I never really wanted to be here I had a bad feeling about it before I ever arrived but it was better than where I was and I see it as a stepping stone to perhaps where I will be. So because it is like this I have the right to just leave. Things have a way of working themselves out don’t they.

But you’re right it should be possible to do all of those things you suggested and if I really wanted to live here as I thought I did initially perhaps something could be done. But actually I find The way this person is: slamming his bedroom door whether it’s 5 o’clock in the afternoon or 5 o’clock in the morning, slamming the front door which is right under my room. It is beyond unreasonable. He is selfish and obnoxious and I don’t want to live anywhere near somebody like that.

The property owner will look at the building as an investment, a source of income. If you appeal to that aspect,...money,...then you will likely trigger some interest in removing a bad tenant. If you and others move out because of this one person,...that is lost revenue,...a bad on-line review from one of you,...that is lost revenue. If he is spending money on repairs and increased maintenance due to smoking in the apartment,...lost revenue. Appeal to the property owner's check book.

 

[Stardust Parade]

Your post reads straight out of the many threads on r/badroommates on Reddit.

 

[Gracey]

It’s not easy to enjoy the challenges but there is something to doing this. It is empowering. Like, I can’t stand the cigarette smoke, and that’s easily surrounded by thoughts of unfair, wrong, he shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it, etc. And yet while I shouldn’t have to bare it, and be able to live in peace, if I can accept that it is happening, there is peace to be found. It’s about changing my thought pattern. Not easy for sure, but accepting something I can’t change does bring a kind of peace. Peace of mind is so important to me.

Door slamming, music and smoking are likely not specifically directed at you to wind you up.
Some people are just loud. For them this is normality. They'll go through the rest of their lives doing exactly what they please.
We have little or no control over how others conduct themselves.

If you were to accept your temporary situation, for now,
In order to try to achieve some peace of mind, what sort of things could you be doing for yourself?

 

[SDRSpark]

What everyone else has said about the smoking is spot on. I'm surprised that the landlord is OK with it honestly. That's just asking for trouble (on the part of the landlord).

Getting out of there is obviously the best thing (if the landlord is OK with this, they probably don't care about other things either, so this is a red flag). Failing that, though, can you get an air purifier for your room? That way you can keep YOUR air quality OK at least.

 

[SimonSays]

Door slamming, music and smoking are likely not specifically directed at you to wind you up.
Some people are just loud. For them this is normality. They'll go through the rest of their lives doing exactly what they please.
We have little or no control over how others conduct themselves.

If you were to accept your temporary situation, for now,
In order to try to achieve some peace of mind, what sort of things could you be doing for yourself?

Yes, you are right. Hard to imagine not being considerate of others, but I can’t know what it’s like to be someone else.

What I do is put earphones in, turn on the ANC (helps a bit), put on music while I write, or watch something if I’ve finished. I wear earplugs otherwise, and during the night and that helps attenuate his banging doors at 4am. I tend to be asleep by 9 so am often awake early anyway. It helps being a morning person I think. There’s little I can do about the smoking except block gaps with jackets. Fortunately it’s not noticeable all the time.

I am nowhere near as tolerant as I have been. Perhaps it’s harder to accept when money is involved. I struggled with my late mother’s deafness too and her unwillingness to try headphones, when I stayed with her during the last months of her life. Eventually she did agree to use them and what a difference it made but for 6 months prior I had to live with earplugs in. I am not good at accepting noise that in my opinion doesn’t have to be there. I can be very tolerant of noise that does.

 

[SimonSays]

Failing that, though, can you get an air purifier for your room? That way you can keep YOUR air quality OK at least.

Nice idea. I wouldn’t make such a purchase though as I only have what I can carry. I am hoping to find something better so hopefully the situation won’t last.

 

[SimonSays]

I'm surprised that the landlord is OK with it honestly.

Me too. But to be honest I have no idea how he thinks. I have no idea why he won’t respond to any text where I bring it up. I tried to get round it by sending him a text saying can you please call me I need to talk to you about something. He responded by saying is everything okay? I said I need to talk to you about the smoking here. Silence.

i’m not even sure if opening the window in the hallway helps or helps blow the smoke into my room more. I just can’t win.

 

[SimonSays]

But honestly, no matter how many times I look for a new room, there just isn’t something I can take. Even the one that I’ve said yes to I have to be in some kind of vetting procedure rather than I’m willing to pay okay I’ll take it When shall I move in. Even that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.

So I have two choices.
The first, stay where I am, doing my best to tolerate and accept things as they are. Sometimes I have to listen to music whether I want to or not just to ensure that I can drown out what I don’t want to listen to which is him. It’s not terrible to have to listen to nice music but usually I would choose to listen to music rather than be forced to because the alternative isn’t pleasant.

Choice number two, is to find myself another small campervan and live in that. And that’s not easy either because I have been looking. It has to be small it has to be something I can live in and it has to be something I can get to see. Most of these things are miles away some of them will take 15 hours by public transport to get to. And it’s very difficult to make a decision when you’re in a state of desperation. I’m not even sure it’s right for me to do this but it would at least put me back into being in the world the way I want to be not subject to any body else’s issues. It is also possible for me to have something converted it would take several months it’s not cheap but it is possible. And yet I’m not doing anything about it. It’s a lot cheaper to live in a van then it is to live in a room, a lot cheaper. And I can park it anywhere I feel comfortable to park it in. I can go back to my hometown of Penzance I know exactly where I would put it but it’s quite a lonely experience and that was before the pandemic when I could access the library. it’s not a big place and with the shops closed it’s going to be very difficult. People buy things off eBay and Amazon I won’t have an address so have to rely on what’s open. Not easy living in my world.

I ought to be grateful for small mercies. I have somewhere to live it’s warm and comfortable and when I close the door there’s only me, and sometimes extra sound and smoke, and who knows what the future can bring. I have to believe that things happen for a reason and I am where I need to be. I can’t live in a state of the grass is greener over there. I just can’t.

 

[SDRSpark]

Me too. But to be honest I have no idea how he thinks. I have no idea why he won’t respond to any text where I bring it up. I tried to get round it by sending him a text saying can you please call me I need to talk to you about something. He responded by saying is everything okay? I said I need to talk to you about the smoking here. Silence.

i’m not even sure if opening the window in the hallway helps or helps blow the smoke into my room more. I just can’t win.

My first thought is that this other tenant is a close friend/relative/some other connection of the landlord and that's why he won't do anything. He's the "chosen one" as it were and will get preferential treatment.

If this is the case, you won't get anywhere with this landlord. Short of there being some sort of protections in place legally (and I have no idea what laws might apply here) you're stuck until you get out.

 

[Judge]

After reading this article if it's accurate, I'd consider looking for another place to live. Easier said than done, I know.

True, it's difficult to say whether "the grass is greener on the other side" given the apparent daunting legal challenge of a landlord who tries to enforce no smoking rules with the intention of evicting a tenant. Especially given the pandemic, when so much pressure may be put on landlords not to take action against their tenants.

I suppose the real challenge for you would be to investigate each prospective landlord to try to get them to candidly explain whether or not they have encountered such tenants. With the hope that you may find one who can honestly state that collectively all the tenants care about and respect a smoke-free environment to live in.

Can landlords stop their tenants smoking in their rental property?

 

[Gracey]

But honestly, no matter how many times I look for a new room, there just isn’t something I can take. Even the one that I’ve said yes to I have to be in some kind of vetting procedure rather than I’m willing to pay okay I’ll take it When shall I move in. Even that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.

So I have two choices.
The first, stay where I am, doing my best to tolerate and accept things as they are. Sometimes I have to listen to music whether I want to or not just to ensure that I can drown out what I don’t want to listen to which is him. It’s not terrible to have to listen to nice music but usually I would choose to listen to music rather than be forced to because the alternative isn’t pleasant.

Choice number two, is to find myself another small campervan and live in that. And that’s not easy either because I have been looking. It has to be small it has to be something I can live in and it has to be something I can get to see. Most of these things are miles away some of them will take 15 hours by public transport to get to. And it’s very difficult to make a decision when you’re in a state of desperation. I’m not even sure it’s right for me to do this but it would at least put me back into being in the world the way I want to be not subject to any body else’s issues. It is also possible for me to have something converted it would take several months it’s not cheap but it is possible. And yet I’m not doing anything about it. It’s a lot cheaper to live in a van then it is to live in a room, a lot cheaper. And I can park it anywhere I feel comfortable to park it in. I can go back to my hometown of Penzance I know exactly where I would put it but it’s quite a lonely experience and that was before the pandemic when I could access the library. it’s not a big place and with the shops closed it’s going to be very difficult. People buy things off eBay and Amazon I won’t have an address so have to rely on what’s open. Not easy living in my world.

I ought to be grateful for small mercies. I have somewhere to live it’s warm and comfortable and when I close the door there’s only me, and sometimes extra sound and smoke, and who knows what the future can bring. I have to believe that things happen for a reason and I am where I need to be. I can’t live in a state of the grass is greener over there. I just can’t.

I too can believe things happen for a reason and you're exactly where you need to be, for now.

The opportunity to get home to Penzance will arise
but not just yet.
(look forward to recognising the opportunity when it does come around.Quite exciting to wonder how it might )

You're warm, safe and dry with a bed to sleep in at the moment while you're learning about, and pushing through your limits, patience and tolerance.
We can't know what we're capable of until our mettle is tested.

For what it's worth I admire how you're NOT hunting your noisy neighbour for sport or haven't doused him in petrol just praying for him to light up another cigarette
In the midst of your frustration you're calmly considering options for change.
(inspirational)

Keep on writing and using the ear plugs.
Rolled blankets and towels are great for blocking the bottoms of doorways.
If you're out walking, try mindfulness to appreciate the nature in your environment and the open space.
(and absence of neighbour )

Have you ever tried scoring your frustration? irritation?