Who am I really without the autism?

[Lydia Z]

I am dealing with this very same problem myself right now. I only recently, last 2 months as well, was diagnosed with autism and it now has me questioning who i really am. I am in my late 20s now and since the diagnoses i cant stop questioning if they things i do and the way i am is actually me or just what i have used to pass as "normal" for so long. Do i enjoy this or that do i react this way or that way only because it is what i expected people to want me to for so long or is it really who i am. I have worn so many masks and created countless personas that i can no longer differentiate between what is really me and what is there for others.
It has put me in a deep burnout that i can not seem to escape, i just constantly find myself wondering who i am really and what is just a facade. I feel like even more than the people around me i have fooled my own self even more and do not know how to separate them. Or is the problem that i should not be trying are both sides just half of the whole me am i the aspie that i only let loose in private and the personas i use to function. I no longer know who i am and it is driving me into a very deep hole.

I like your user name. I love Sumerian mythology and wish Zecharia Sitchin lived a little longer to translate more cuneiforms.

 

[George Newman]

Anunnaki2522. Do you have access to or the insurance/funds to afford a psychologist or counselor that has experience working with high functioning autistics?

The reason I ask is that it has really helped me to sit down and talk to someone who is aware of autism but can prompt me to consider things differently. I don’t have anyone else I can sit down and talk to. Having this option has saved my life. Honestly, it has. Thoughts?

 

[VJCJ0628]

I've thought a lot about this since I first have seen this thread

I would say its an impossible question, Without Aspergers, my whole way of learning would have been different, I would guess right off the bat I would value the things the crowds value more

However its much more than that, all the life experiences and the way I have responded, the anxiety that has colored my decisions early in life

The hard time I have had in relationships before I was married

All these things and more are either direct result or at least colored in some way or rooted in an Aspergers effect

there is no way of knowing what things would look like without

Also, I am coming to the conclusion that I don't want to know, While there are many trouble and things that hurt, There is also a trueness a value & a deepness that most NT's don't have, I don't think I would trade that in for the world

 

[Anunnaki2522]

I had been seeing a psychologist for a few months and he is the one that first diagnosed me. He does not have much experience in dealing with autism though and did recommended a colleague who does but in the last month my anxiety and depression have become so bad I ended up quitting my job of 6 years and am now on a budget.