When love is based on text

[SimonSays]

That’s what she is
Words on a page
Those few lines
When she is there
And we are together
It seems so real
Feels so right
Our words say it all
Nothing is missing
And yet so much is
So much space between the words
Wanting more
When she is not there

But life goes on
And I am there when she comes to find me
Always ready
Wanting to hear her
Wanting to engage
I want her in my life
Yet she hardly is
But it feels real when she is
The feeling…the love
That is real
But to hold it
To want more of it
To make it into what it ‘ought to be’
Something happens…
The purity
The simplicity
The feeling
Becomes affected by the wanting
As if what we are is not good enough
There must be more
Needs to be
Has to be
Just a few more words
A few moments here and there
Does not make a relationship
Not really…
And even the thought of being closer
Which feels so right in the text
Both wanting
Both feeling
Yet not happening

This is all so new
Technology creates this
Someone I would never have met
Becomes someone I love
She is real
I feel her
Yet who is she really?
Who am I?
I tell her I love her
But who do I love?
She tells me she loves me
And it feels so nice
Yet in the next moment she is gone
Short or long
She is missing
Until she is not
And then it is as if she never was

How does this relate
To how it usually works?
When you see her
When you touch her
When you feel her close
There are still gaps
Life…work…friends
But the time together
Quality time
Physical time
Is real…feels real
In a way that text never can

She is there more
Certainly at first
Every message responded to
Almost in real time
But as time goes on
Even though we are together
Closer and closer
So the words get further apart
As if we know we cannot go further

So I would go to her
Be with her
Make it real
But she backs away
As if real is the last thing she wants
Her words reveal longing…
A desire to be
Closer…physical…as only physical can be
Yet when the idea is possible
So it doesn’t come to be
She makes me feel we are real
When we are only possibility

 

[Aspychata]

Beautiful poem.

 

[SimonSays]

Was any of it real?
I look for answers
Why am I so affected?
I feel the love
But why do I always feel something is wrong?

Because the pattern is different

Does that mean something is wrong?

No…just that it is different

Why do I get so affected?
As if it is not real?
As if I have lost her?
Why am I with her in the first place?

Because she wanted you

But I reached out to HER...wanted HER...

And she went with it
You gave her a way out of her situation
You healed her…supported her
And that freed her from needing you
She never loved YOU
You knew that really
She only loved what you gave her
You gave her your heart
She never heard your words…never listened to your voice
She never showed you she was interested in YOU
She only made you feel like it in moments

So what is the lesson?
Why do they appear as if they are real
And then disappear as if they are not?
How does one do it?
How does one make it real?
Perhaps the problem lies in the opening
Making it seem like she is the one
When she is just one who might be
Could be
And then isn’t.

I have felt it many times
Someone comes into my life
And makes it change
Then everything changes
And in knowing her and loving her nothing is the same
And I do love her
I do
I am sure of it
I’d do anything
Everything
I want nothing more than to be with her
To merge with her
Her life
Give her me
In whatever form I can
Yet who am I?
What does it mean to do that?
Am I not just wanting something?
Using love to find it?
She is in a beautiful place
I can see that
She has what she needs
She is what I want
Yet I cannot be with her as I'd like
The Universe knows me best
I have surrendered many times

Accepted things as they are
And it is right
And I cannot DO anything about it
Just because it is not what I want it to be
No matter how much I might feel

Perhaps I am selfish
To want her for me
To feel her love
To have her time
To share her passion
Her joy
Her
And give myself to her
For I have much to give
But only my heart is real
For that is all that is here

And then something happens
No falling out
One moment there is love
The next…something else
As if it never was
As if the whole thing had been a dream
And in many ways perhaps it was
For who is she?
Who am I?
Just an idea
Of something beautiful
That only I can see

I am sad
For it is not easy
To go from the heights
To the depths
And not have experienced
The beauty in between
So close to touching
To holding
To loving
Then not
As if I am not real
Nobody
Just a thought
A memory
Of someone once imagined.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Hmm, thats really neat. I like the way you write

 

[unperson]

The ghost of an ideal wife?

 

[Wolfsage]

Reads like a poem.

 

[Aspychata]

l feel that way about a guy l really like. That he never wished to go deeper. It just leaves me on the outside looking in as if l am just a bystander in the funny thing called life. l feel like l am visiting him in his lifetime. He disconnects when he feels connected. Disconnected is safer for him. l have cried. Many times. And now l am a concrete decoy just like him.

 

[SimonSays]

The ghost of an ideal wife?

As a title?
I like that.

 

[SimonSays]

l feel that way about a guy l really like. That he never wished to go deeper. It just leaves me on the outside looking in as if l am just a bystander in the funny thing called life. l feel like l am visiting him in his lifetime. He disconnects when he feels connected. Disconnected is safer for him. l have cried. Many times. And now l am a concrete decoy just like him.

Keeping the fantasy is easier than creating reality. The words said, the time spent, all in the head. All controlled. Less emotional risk. It works as friends, a little here and there. Anything else, well, it's somehow not real and at some point dissolves.

 

[unperson]

As a title?
I like that.

oh that's a song title, you might have to paraphrase it.

Ghost of an Ideal Wife - Laughing Clowns

 

[unperson]

l feel that way about a guy l really like. That he never wished to go deeper. It just leaves me on the outside looking in as if l am just a bystander in the funny thing called life. l feel like l am visiting him in his lifetime. He disconnects when he feels connected. Disconnected is safer for him. l have cried. Many times. And now l am a concrete decoy just like him.

I often feel like the decoy duck in early stages of relationships seeming to form. They usually figure out I'm not a real duck and move on. Female friends used to use me as a kind of lure. Bit old for that now.

 

[SimonSays]

I like the way you write

Beautiful poem

Thank You.

 

[SusanLR]

I know a man that just went through several years of feeling so much love for a woman that those
words in your poem fit exactly.
He ended up calling her a great spiritual lesson. Said he learned much about himself from
the turmoils that went back and forth for such a long time.

His goal was a love that could be relied on and know that her love for him was the same as his was
for her.
He has a loving, seeking spirit. She never found that in herself for him and told him such.
They both agreed the physical part was great, but, her true desire was to have as much in the
material world as she could and ended up with a doctor who had the money to provide the material.

...I'm dancing with a shadow. Holding on to a dream that will never come true...

 

[SusanLR]

This song portrays my ideas of love on a level of understanding some may not.
Enjoy.

 

[Aspychata]

Keeping the fantasy is easier than creating reality. The words said, the time spent, all in the head. All controlled. Less emotional risk. It works as friends, a little here and there. Anything else, well, it's somehow not real and at some point dissolves.

Keeping the fantasy is easier than creating reality. The words said, the time spent, all in the head. All controlled. Less emotional risk. It works as friends, a little here and there. Anything else, well, it's somehow not real and at some point dissolves.

l am not afraid of emotional risk. When l have feelings - it's all or nothing. Because passion is this. l experience passion because l am *comfortable with *emotional risk*. l just feel confused if the other is unable to process these emotions. Bonding over experiences of time spent together is just that,and nothing else threatening.

 

[SimonSays]

l just feel confused if the other is unable to process these emotions.

I was thinking he was the one like this.

When l have feelings - it's all or nothing.

I am the same - all or nothing. But in my experience, my 'all' is too much for most people. It's great at first. They are the object of my attention. All there is. New and fresh. But if they don't have to do anything and I'm there. If they text me I'm right there. It is easy to take it for granted. It is too much. If it feels like pulling it pushes away. I don't like playing games.

 

[Aspychata]

I was thinking he was the one like this.

I am the same - all or nothing. But in my experience, my 'all' is too much for most people. It's great at first. They are the object of my attention. All there is. New and fresh. But if they don't have to do anything and I'm there. If they text me I'm right there. It is easy to take it for granted. It is too much. If it feels like pulling it pushes away. I don't like playing games.

l guess l understand. l know l am bad at reading signals. l don't play games. l don't respond appropriately and that can be seen as game-playing but the true cause, l am on the spectrum and l can't always put things together (like l am a jellyfish in an NT world). So intentions of others stay questionable to me because l am afraid to process any further for fear of rejection.

 

[SimonSays]

l guess l understand. l know l am bad at reading signals. l don't play games. l don't respond appropriately and that can be seen as game-playing but the true cause, l am on the spectrum and l can't always put things together. So intentions of others stay questionable to me because l am afraid to process any further for fear of rejection.

I understand completely. Just because I don't play games doesn't mean someone doesn't think I am. They are used to seeing the signals, reading the signs, so when they find someone on the spectrum, they still just assume the signs and signals are the same. That's why I get confused at how people respond to me. I don't know what they are inferring. If I ask they don't answer. Nothing is wrong. I can feel something is. I am already feeling rejected.

 

[Aspychata]

Insecurity and rejection are major stumbling blocks for many people so l try to not take it too personally. I just see it as my own personal glitch that l need to work around. (bad wiring on my motherboard). So l basically try to accept my limitations and not spaz out emotionally on these exact limitations.

 

[SimonSays]

Insecurity and rejection are major stumbling blocks for many people so l try to not take it too personally. I just see it as my own personal glitch that l need to work around. (bad wiring on my motherboard). So l basically try to accept my limitations and not spaz out emotionally on these exact limitations.

Yes, I don't blame them for how they see me, for they know not what they do. For the most part I always feel 'normal'. I am who I am. I've always looked out through my own eyes. It is always jarring when out of the blue, I am reminded that to others I am not 'normal'. Not familiar. Off. Only a very few want to understand.