When it gets away from you...

[iThink]

Hello all,

I am here today to ask a question... Have you ever been in situation, or found an interest, that you knew didn't feel right, and yet, you couldn't not continue the exposure?

Asked in another way, I am wondering if and when your curiosities or comfort ever got the best of you; be it a specific subject that left you more drained/confused or even outright hurt after you looked into it; a job or group of people you were around, either by choice or no, that inevitably caused far more discouragement and pain than not; or just a thought, a thought that runs and runs and runs and will not tire. The endurance of the thought seems marathon worthy; it just will not quit, churning over and over...

As some of you may know, I am fairly new here, and I ask this question to simply find common ground...

I read into war biographies and serial killers as a young person, less than age 10. The mental images found in those books were searing. While the years have lessened how often I come across them, I still can not escape some of those memories. I believed, or rather, attempted to convince myself, that I learned about human behavior during these times; that it is circumstance that will turn someone into an unrecognizable monster. I learned that people are, or possess the ability to be, for lack of a better term, evil, and that which separates good and evil is not quite as robust as one might think.... Psychology is a deep interest of mine...

I have stuck with jobs that hurt more than they gave. Been consumed by interests that left me in tears. Forced interactions with people on a regular basis because I convinced myself that it was necessary for some grander purpose, and yet I still walked away feeling like I gave a piece of my soul, every time.

When has your fear of change stopped you from moving onto something better? When has your curiosity steered you in the wrong direction?

How has your autism hurt you?

 

[ftfipps]

I will continue to drink and use drugs until It kills me. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't even bother getting a job.

 

[Vince]

The concept of evil existing in every human is long-known. From Nietzsche (and before) to Jung (and after), big thinkers have pointed this out.
“If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”
― Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

There is an absolute monster inside every one of us. It's our choices that make the difference, not as much the circumstances. Some people in terrible circumstances become heroes while others in identical circumstances become criminals. It's my opinion that being capable of being a monster but keeping it sheathed gives you strength, while bearing life's suffering while striving for higher meaning makes it worth living. It's a puzzle to figure it all out.

Whether you're a fan or not, there are classroom lectures of psychologist Jordan Peterson on YouTube (dozens of hours worth) where he explains this at length but in clear terms and helps describe ways to possibly keep yourself on the more benevolent side of that dividing line.

I'm a couple decades older than you so have more phases behind me. But yeah, when I was younger I thought it would do me good to be more "free-spirited" or just more "social" and spent a great many years trying to be something I just wasn't in a few different directions in the guise of bettering myself. Today I look back more in regret at those years as just wasted time. Lost a piece of my soul, as you say. Better to know thyself first and work to hone that than to struggle to become something you just aren't. It's difficult to know the difference between what you really aren't and simply what you could be but aren't good at yet. But the feeling that it just ain't right might be a hint.

Thinking back, the difference between the discomfort of not knowing something I could eventually learn compared to the discomfort of doing something that is wrong for me is tangible, but I can't articulate it. Knowing the difference might be more a function of having learned who and/or what I really am first then looking at things from that perspective. Sadly I didn't know my real self very well at all until I was about 40, which was still quite a while back.

I'm doing OK these days, but fear of failure has held me back from being waaay further ahead of where I could have been all along, including today. Fear of rejection has inhibited almost all efforts to pursue close relationships all my life. I'm certain that one of several could have really been a good thing. These days, I honestly don't care what people think anymore and I do and feel much better. I wish I had figured that out 40 years ago. I still keep alone, but I don't feel lonely anymore (side effect of being old ). I keep to myself when I have a choice, but when I have to interact with people I don't have problems anymore - I actually enjoy it as long as it's just one or two people. Basically, as you get older, you pretty much get better at dealing with everything under the sun over time.

You have to face the chaos, the abyss, the dragon, to get anywhere in life. The unknown is, by definition, exactly where you have to go to learn things, and at the same time it's dangerous. But you have to dive in anyway or you go nowhere. I'm probably the worst at actually being able to do this, but I know it's what has to be done all the same. I guess the unknown finds you whether you go looking for it or not, but a balance of voluntarily looking for it while not letting killing you might be a good thing to figure out.

"How has your autism hurt you?" Well the autistic traits I have certainly affected my social life and has led me to live alone inside my own head of course. Masking, mirroring and projecting helped me waste decades of my life because I didn't know what was going on. But now that I've discovered that autism is what drives my head that direction, the simple knowing of that fact has explained a great many things and gives me hope that I can work to learn better strategies and improve how I live my life. It won't be easy and I don't have any illusions that I'll ever really get "good at it", but as long as I get better at living I can be reasonably happy with that.

We're all human animals barely scratching the surface of this new type of social consciousness we just recently attained (in evolutionary terms), thus we are all of us waaay more stupid than we like to think we are. We are all of us born into the world with handicaps and disadvantages - every one of us on this planet. Choosing the right side of the line between good & evil is not easy and we all of us have that burden all the time. Buddhists have said for thousands of years that life is mostly suffering. I simply say life is tough. Yet you just keep plugging along and over time you get tougher and just get better at dealing with it. Make tomorrow 1% better than today and it's a win. This stuff adds up. Ya gotta keep plugging along.

More cool quotes:
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn Quotes (Author of One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich)

 

[SusanLR]

Psychology is an interest of mine also.
I like psychological thriller movies, trying to second guess the outcome and why's behind the actions.
And studying it and all the tests and various reasons behind disorders,etc.

Fear of change has always kept me from moving on or really wanting to "grow up", as some would call it.
If I'm in a comfortable lifestyle, why break it for something that might not be better at all?
This attitude finally caught up with me though as I spent my life living at home with my parents
until they passed 5 years ago, leaving me quite unprepared for being on my own and living in the world
of people I can't seem to connect with. Yet I don't like living alone. So I'm stuck.
Lucky are the people who treasure their own company.
The constant babble to myself in my mind with no one to share things with can be a dark place.

My curiousity has never led me to something I regret.
Some relationships I felt drawn to though have left me disappointed and hurt.
I think most people have experienced relationships gone bad and gotten hurt.
It seems most are able to handle it better than myself. Maybe, maybe not.

 

[iThink]

I will continue to drink and use drugs until It kills me. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't even bother getting a job.

ftfipps, I've been there. When the world seems too foreign to navigate, one cannot help but turn to some form of escapism.

When I was a boy, I turned to books. I read incessantly. Anything I could get my hands on. I have memories of trying to catch the street lamp light through the blinds late at night, absolutely immersed in whatever book I had in my hands. I enjoyed the Goosebumps series, and was more proud of collecting the first 50 books than anything I had done up to that point. I read every Brian Jacques book my elementary school library had. I couldn't get enough of the vivid descriptions of the meals the inhabitants of Redwall feasted upon. Considering the characters were mostly small mammals, meat was never included, rather vast spreads of fruits, vegetables, nuts and breads. It was amazing really... My book reading faltered when I got around to the third school. It was smaller, and being the top of the AR competitions (accelerated reading program that most local schools offered, books had 'points', and after reading the book, one could take a test in the library at an attempt to receive those points) wasn't as prestigious as it was at the larger school I previously attended.... I did get into video games pretty heavily at this point though. I enjoyed played Diablo 2 and its expansion pack; I began to lose sleep raiding the dungeons and exploring various areas. This was my form of escape.

Music has also been a staple in my life as long as I can remember. I have love and respect for all kinds really. The genre's of Classic Rock, Hip Hop, Reggae, and even some Bach and Beethoven are often found in my Youtube search history.

When we moved again, during high school, I did what my cousins did. They did things pretty differently than anything I had ever done before. I fell into some things I am not proud of. I did my fair share of drugs; another form of escape.

I sought other forms of escape the subsequent years. I had a relatively healthy social circle that I seemed to find respect in, but I played a 'role' within that group that turned me into something I was not. I had many run-ins with the law between high school and my early 20's, and regret many things I said and did around this time.

I could go on and on. As you may know, I am still on this journey of self-discovery. I still have my fears, I still seek escape from time to time. But I know it's getting better. I know understanding oneself is the only way one can find their place in the world.

We all attempt to escape. Some turn to TV shows, some to alcohol, others to video games or drugs or exercise or writing/reading or various hobbies and daily tasks. Most people, if not all, just want to be comfortable being themselves. They want to be accepted as who they are. I am not your therapist or anything of the sort, I just ask you consider a healthier form of escapism.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey sir.

 

[TheFreeCat]

I am not so sure evil is always a choice. History is littered with examples of people who endured horrific abuse and snapped.

Sure, there are MORE stories of people who were abused and did not snap, but the fact that the second group did not snap has no bearing on the first. No relationship whatsoever. Because A is capable of xyz does not mean B is capable of xyz.

Each person has his or her own limits.

Added to that, there are people who do indeed choose to be evil and have no consciousness.

The best we can do is fortify ourselves knowing what we are all capable of.

A man who had gone to a church I went to was given the wrong medication and to this day, sitting in prison for life, he cannot explain at all why he killed his wife. He was not the type at all. But now, it is all over for him. He was blindsided by a bad med while others have been helped by the same.

Try to replace the bad images you have in your head with other images. You like books. Do you like philosophy? That can help a lot. Invite Plato into your head and read some of the Socratic dialogues to get you asking yourself important questions. If you don't like Plato, there are many others who ask deep questions and offer a path for us to ingrain in our minds.

Don't give up. You are not a monster today.

 

[iThink]

I am not so sure evil is always a choice. History is littered with examples of people who endured horrific abuse and snapped.

Don't give up. You are not a monster today.

I wasn't emotionally prepared for this comment.

Thank you.