What reactivates your attention & interest in your NT partner?

[Bolletje]

Incidentally, is the rough patch you're in with your guy as/nt related?

Partially, yes. We have a mixed bag of issues to choose from at the moment But the Aspie/NT part: He’s a being of spontaneity and chaos. He’s always late because he gets absorbed in things and forgets to keep track of time or underestimates how long things take. He mostly does things on the fly and doesn’t do much planning.
I get absorbed in things too, but I’m neurotic about timekeeping. I always know what time it is because I habitually check the clock, and when I wake up I know what time it is based on the amount of light outside (and I check my watch after waking up ). I am never late if I can help it. I need things to be planned in advance and rarely feel relaxed enough to do things spontaneously.

So yeah, you can see where that’s a bit of a struggle sometimes.

In good times, we improve each other. I make him a little more punctual and responsible, he makes me a little more spontaneous and less uptight.

In bad times, he’ll call me to say he’s coming home from work, then strike up a conversation with someone and coming home and/or the timeframe he gave me will be pushed to the back of his mind. Or he’ll stop on his way home to pet a cute kitty in the street. Or meets a friend and decide to embark on an adventure with them.
Meanwhile I have a meltdown because he said he’d be home in half an hour and it’s been 32 minutes goddammit why did he not call to let me know he’s running late this is so inconsiderate. Then I continue to get more upset by the minute until a) he comes home or b) I call him and flip out over the phone. It can take hours for him to resurface or send smoke signals, by which time my anger and anxiety take on monumental forms.

It’s not the easiest combination to work with

 

[Alis1998]

Well I personally seem to not have so much intrest when im either way extremly tired or had too much sensory proces problems. It mostly just goes away after a day. But have you asked him about what is going on with life and if he might seem stressed? Maybe it is not consious. Maybe ask in what kind of enviroment he was during that day? Maybe that makes sense if the area has alot of sounds, diffrent lights and sometimes more people then usual?
Discus the topic with your boyfriend, that is the best you can do. It might seem scary but everybody on the spectrum is diffrent. Let him speak out his mind, let him tell you when he is not in the mood to do active activitys when he is "off". When he tells you, try to ask a few question but dont over do it, then he might cant answer. Also, when he is "off", try to do activitys that can help him clear his mind, or get his energy level up again.
I hoped this helped you in some way.

 

[Sid Delicious]

I never had this issue when I dated aspie guys, as we just sort of understood when the other needed space/quiet/attention/affection/other based on our own reactions and needs. But with NT partners I would go into 'sleep mode' as others have described above and need more direction to understand when I was supposed to behave a certain way. My focus on them would vary from hour to hour depending on their behaviour, the situation, and how well we 'clicked'. Certain things I never quite got the hang of, which then had an impact on my interest in them as interaction would become hard work. So for me it was more avoiding activating my disinterest in them. The more confused or stressed I got, the less rewarding the relationship felt in that moment and the more I would want to retreat into other activities by myself. Lack of sleep or other stress added to that. Sometimes, sharing a hobby we both had would fix things again. I'm personally quite goal orientated and like to feel as though I'm making good use of my time. So if my partner encourages me to complete some project on my mental 'To Do' list, that will regain my interest in them. I also love music and art, so one of my exes would start messing about on a piano or guitar or mention something needed painting to lure me back out again! It was annoying, but I'm fairly easy to manipulate in that way! If we'd had the same life goals, then we probably could have managed a halfway decent NT-ASD relationship.

 

[Gr82bk8]

Certain things I never quite got the hang of, which then had an impact on my interest in them as interaction would become hard work. So for me it was more avoiding activating my disinterest in them.

Was that something that was mostly going on internally for you, or did they notice something was different and bring it up? Like did the ex who'd start playing the piano or guitar do that on purpose to manipulate you out of being in "sleep mode," or did it just happen to work out that way?

 

[Gr82bk8]

Have you asked him about what is going on with life and if he might seem stressed? Maybe it is not consious

I have, and he usually looks surprised and says everything is fine and he thought he was being exactly the same as always. Like he genuinely can't tell that his outward actions seem different because to him, he's feeling all the same usual things inside. That's what's kind of hard to figure out about it...

 

[Gr82bk8]

Partially, yes. We have a mixed bag of issues to choose from at the moment But the Aspie/NT part: He’s a being of spontaneity and chaos. He’s always late because he gets absorbed in things and forgets to keep track of time or underestimates how long things take. He mostly does things on the fly and doesn’t do much planning.
I get absorbed in things too, but I’m neurotic about timekeeping. I always know what time it is because I habitually check the clock, and when I wake up I know what time it is based on the amount of light outside (and I check my watch after waking up ). I am never late if I can help it. I need things to be planned in advance and rarely feel relaxed enough to do things spontaneously.

So yeah, you can see where that’s a bit of a struggle sometimes.

In good times, we improve each other. I make him a little more punctual and responsible, he makes me a little more spontaneous and less uptight.

In bad times, he’ll call me to say he’s coming home from work, then strike up a conversation with someone and coming home and/or the timeframe he gave me will be pushed to the back of his mind. Or he’ll stop on his way home to pet a cute kitty in the street. Or meets a friend and decide to embark on an adventure with them.
Meanwhile I have a meltdown because he said he’d be home in half an hour and it’s been 32 minutes goddammit why did he not call to let me know he’s running late this is so inconsiderate. Then I continue to get more upset by the minute until a) he comes home or b) I call him and flip out over the phone. It can take hours for him to resurface or send smoke signals, by which time my anger and anxiety take on monumental forms.

It’s not the easiest combination to work with

Seems like a tricky balance to strike, but I have to say, it doesn't take being aspie to make a woman meltdown when her man says he'll be home but then goes off the grid without warning instead, no matter how harmless the reason!

 

[Sid Delicious]

Sid Delicious: Certain things I never quite got the hang of, which then had an impact on my interest in them as interaction would become hard work. So for me it was more avoiding activating my disinterest in them.

Gr82bk8: Was that something that was mostly going on internally for you, or did they notice something was different and bring it up? Like did the ex who'd start playing the piano or guitar do that on purpose to manipulate you out of being in "sleep mode," or did it just happen to work out that way?

It was a mixture. Some things they said/did which made no sense to me and other things I said/did which made no sense to them. Usually neither of us would say anything at the time, as it would take a while to register that there was any miscommunication. So it would escalate into something else based on lots of assumptions and confusion, then we were both too annoyed to resolve it immediately. On the rare occasion one of us noticed straight away, we might point it out but the other person wouldn't always understand and our original subject of conversation would then turn into a heated analysis of language and behaviour. Even if it didn't turn into an argument, it would be exhausting having to try and work out exactly what I said/did wrong, what they thought that meant, explain what it actually meant, then 'redo' the rest of the conversation based on that. So usually either I or both of us would just go along with whatever the other person wanted and silently rage a bit afterwards, as it was too much effort to start a debate. It gets tiring constantly explaining your words or actions to someone who can never fully understand where you are coming from. Even with the best intentions and a lot of patience, you don't always have the energy to go through that process yet again.

The music thing was different and positive, as we found some way to connect again after an argument. I guess it was manipulation on his part, as he knew how I would respond. But it was a good sort of manipulation as it benefited the both of us, so I didn't mind.

 

[Alis1998]

I have, and he usually looks surprised and says everything is fine and he thought he was being exactly the same as always. Like he genuinely can't tell that his outward actions seem different because to him, he's feeling all the same usual things inside. That's what's kind of hard to figure out about it...

Oh? Mhh then I might think you guys need a talk with a profesional in autism, or maybe more him? not that you guys dont have a good relationship but if you guys want the relationship to go as smoothly and lovely as you can. Well if it doesnt hurt you, then it doesnt kill you.

 

[the_tortoise]

I still feel connected to someone when I'm sitting in the same room, each doing our own separate thing. Nothing about my interest in them or feeling of being connected to them has changed....I just can't do direct interaction all the time.