What reactivates your attention & interest in your NT partner?

[Gr82bk8]

My aspie bf seems to go through periods where he's very outwardly interested/engaged with me, and times where if I didn't reach out to consistently engage him, we would just hang out in non-physical silence. I know this is just part of the aspie wiring and the fact that he still wants to be in the same room doing the same thing I'm doing means he's still interested in me. That's fine, and I'm successfully learning to recognize and navigate those times in a way that works for us. However, I'm still curious to learn and understand more about how the cycle works.

Are there any aspies out there who notice you go through the same kind of cycle of being in and out out of the mode where you feel motivated to initiate engaging with your partner? If so, can you identify or explain what it is (if anything) that reactivates your motivation to initiate connecting with them?

thanks in advance for any ideas or insight! =)

 

[AO1501]

An example of how this may be perceived to happen to me:

I get home from work, very tired, needing to decompress and relax. My wife is home, and I am very happy to see her, but where my routine is to grab a beer, sit on the couch, watch the local news and just settle out the jumble of what happened during the day, what I got done, what was left outstanding to pick up tomorrow, and organise the issues from a complex workday, then be ready to gear up for the evening at home, my wife is watching a movie on TV.

There's no problem with watching a movie on TV, but it isn't my routine, and I have no idea what the movie is, what it's about, where we're up to in the story, who is who and what is meaningful and what is not, and instead of being able to essentially process my day, instead I get jammed trying to pick up a lot of meaningless detail I can't ignore, but can't understand, because it's conflicting with my need to plot out the day I've just had.

So from the outside I look distant and disconnected, and like I'm not happy to be there, on the couch, with the person I love. She, on the other hand, can't understand why I'm 'different' and not enjoying her company.

Since she too is having processing issues and wants to try to relax and decompress, she puts on a different movie, one which she rightly thinks I might be better with, but which almost instantly confuses me because I can't tell the characters apart, and almost immediately get totally lost in what is happening. I now have two problems. I cannot deconstruct a complicated day I need to get to grips with, and I am unable to process how my wife is unsettled and unhappy because I seem distant and different. I am not distant and different, just jammed because I can't discard my workday, and instead am totally confused by a movie that makes no sense.

Curiously, if I were to watch that movie after deconstructing my day, it would probably make perfect sense.

However, right there, it would have looked as if the happy husband, coming home to a loving wife, had been replaced by a rather unhappy stranger.

I'm not sure if that explanation helps! However, it is a perfect example of how I can get thrown by obstacles to essential processing I am trying to carry out.

In terms of reconnecting, I don't think there is any one way that works and none others, but aside from any other factor, my wife took hold of my hand, and the physical connection got me unjammed. Then together we were able to get started on what had gone wrong for both of us.

 

[Gr82bk8]

So from the outside I look distant and disconnected, and like I'm not happy to be there, on the couch, with the person I love. She, on the other hand, can't understand why I'm 'different' and not enjoying her company.

This perfectly describes what I was taking about! When I've experienced this with my bf and told him he seems withdrawn he is always surprised and says he doesn't feel withdrawn from me at all and feels like he's being the same. That's confusing for me since i can't imagine how he could think that, but after reading your post it makes way more sense. I don't really experience getting jammed like you described so it just wouldn't have occurred to me it was a thing, but I'll bet when i ask my bf tonight if he relates to it, he will. Thanks so much for the insight!!

Quick follow up question: assuming my bf gets similarly jammed, is it the type of thing where it would be productive for me to just ask him if that's what's happening and tell him to let me know what he needs to do to un-jam, and that he should take the time to do it, and then let me know when he's good to go?

 

[AO1501]

This perfectly describes what I was taking about! When I've experienced this with my bf and told him he seems withdrawn he is always surprised and says he doesn't feel withdrawn from me at all and feels like he's being the same. That's confusing for me since i can't imagine how he could think that, but after reading your post it makes way more sense. I don't really experience getting jammed like you described so it just wouldn't have occurred to me it was a thing, but I'll bet when i ask my bf tonight if he relates to it, he will. Thanks so much for the insight!!

It is actually quite funny, because I certainly didn't feel like I had withdrawn, and it was only when my wife looked upset and confused that I even realised I'd been jammed and struggling, and that anything but my problem processing my day had been happening!

 

[Tom]

Are there any aspies out there who notice you go through the same kind of cycle of being in and out out of the mode where you feel motivated to initiate engaging with your partner? If so, can you identify or explain what it is (if anything) that reactivates your motivation to initiate connecting with them?

Although it does go up and down, I see no pattern or time cycle to it. We usually spend most down time together but doing seperate activities. Then again we have been together over 30 yrs, so things do slow down in general as you can imagine. If she needs attention she will let me know and I need a little time to process and re-program for NT Operational Mode (day or so) and we can plan to do something more engaged together.

 

[AO1501]

Quick follow up question: assuming my bf gets similarly jammed, is it the type of thing where it would be productive for me to just ask him if that's what's happening and tell him to let me know what he needs to do to un-jam, and that he should take the time to do it, and then let me know when he's good to go?

I wasn't really aware that I was jammed, but in general terms, if you suspect that your BF is jammed at any point, the first thing to try is to ask him to do something he is familiar with doing. trying to switch him from a jammed problem you might not know, to a task he knows, how to complete would certainly work most of the time for me.

 

[Gr82bk8]

Although it does go up and down, I see no pattern or time cycle to it. We usually spend most down time together but doing seperate activities. Then again we have been together over 30 yrs, so things do slow down in general as you can imagine. If she needs attention she will let me know and I need a little time to process and re-program for NT Operational Mode (day or so) and we can plan to do something more engaged together.

30+ years is impressive for any couple! It sounds like you guys have definitely figured out a rhythm that works for you. What does it mean to process and re-program for NT Operational Mode? What does that take or look like for you?

 

[Gr82bk8]

I wasn't really aware that I was jammed, but in general terms, if you suspect that your BF is jammed at any point, the first thing to try is to ask him to do something he is familiar with doing. trying to switch him from a jammed problem you might not know, to a task he knows, how to complete would certainly work most of the time for me.

Thank you for suggesting an actual strategy to try out--practical advice like that is so helpful! I'm totally going to try this!

 

[Tom]

30+ years is impressive for any couple! It sounds like you guys have definitely figured out a rhythm that works for you. What does it mean to process and re-program for NT Operational Mode? What does that take or look like for you?

It takes time to push Aspie nature/thinking into the backround and NT nature to the front of my mind. There are places they overlap of course but also parts that are distinct, separate. I don't know whats happening in the brain, but could picture (imaginatively) it as certain pathways shutting down and others opening up.

 

[Tom]

30+ years is impressive for any couple! It sounds like you guys have definitely figured out a rhythm that works for you. What does it mean to process and re-program for NT Operational Mode? What does that take or look like for you?

P.S. NT = Neurotypical (which is what people not on the spectrum are)

 

[Gr82bk8]

It takes time to push Aspie nature/thinking into the backround and NT nature to the front of my mind. There are places they overlap of course but also parts that are distinct, separate. I don't know whats happening in the brain, but could picture (imaginatively) it as certain pathways shutting down and others opening up.

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That is super interesting! So you are able to consciously start that shift and successfully end up in NT Op mode? Has that always been the case or was it something you had to figure out once you realized your wife needed that sometimes?

 

[Tom]

That is super interesting! So you are able to consciously start that shift and successfully end up in NT Op mode? Has that always been the case or was it something you had to figure out once you realized your wife needed that sometimes?

For me it was something that developed by trial and error over teens and early 20s. That was before HFA was well known and all I knew was I was just 'different'. I greatly valued my difference, but learned for the most part others don't and it makes you a target. So I learned to hide it extensively.

You learn when it is safe to shift to ASD mode and when you can't. Sometimes you can sort of let yourself go partway, but have to be able to pull out quickly. Like snorkling as opposed to diving. There are times when you have to maintain NT mode for extended periods (weeks, months, in the military), and that can be very taxing. It takes energy to maintain NT form and energy is not inexhaustible.

Many people get meltdowns or shutdown when they have reached their limits. Personally I believe for some ASD folks those limits are not set in stone and can be extended with training.

 

[Robin Winter]

I can honestly say that despite how it sometimes appears, I never lose interest in my partner, I just go into a sort of "sleep mode" a lot. It's as close as I can get to shutting down without actually shutting down, and it's a necessity for me to keep from being overwhelmed. I'm still always acutely aware of her presence, and even more so when she isn't present. And when she isn't present, I hurt. Even if your partner is not engaging, it's still very likely that you have their attention, even if it's not in a way that you relate to. I wish I could tell you there was something that can recharge them instantly, but sometimes it just can't be done.

 

[Gr82bk8]

For me it was something that developed by trial and error over teens and early 20s. That was before HFA was well known and all I knew was I was just 'different'. I greatly valued my difference, but learned for the most part others don't and it makes you a target. So I learned to hide it extensively.

You learn when it is safe to shift to ASD mode and when you can't. Sometimes you can sort of let yourself go partway, but have to be able to pull out quickly. Like snorkling as opposed to diving. There are times when you have to maintain NT mode for extended periods (weeks, months, in the military), and that can be very taxing. It takes energy to maintain NT form and energy is not inexhaustible.

Many people get meltdowns or shutdown when they have reached their limits. Personally I believe for some ASD folks those limits are not set in stone and can be extended with training.

Once again, your explanation is completely illuminating! I'm sure the constant vigilance around other people (which is how my bf once put it) is super exhausting. What's hard for me is that I of course want him to feel like he doesn't have to pretend around me and can just 'be' without having to be in some special mode, but I sometimes feel like it's a catch-22, because I do have emotional needs and I guess I need him to be in NT mode in some respects to be able to meet those needs, but the more comfortable and the more solid our relationship becomes, the more he feels OK (it seems) to settle in to more of an inward, AS mode. I, on the other hand, respond to things being solid and happily comfortable in our relationship by feeling very connected to him and wanting to enjoy and express that in the outward NT ways that are natural to me. Its hard for me to really understand and consistently accept this discrepancy in our responses, which is why i posted this thread. I love that he feels so natural around me that he doesn't need to hide the AS side or always be actively trying to be a certain way to please me, but it's still taking a lo tof getting used to on my end, and I'm still struggling to figure out what the sustainable and fair middle ground is.

Luckily he is wonderful about talking through that and strategizing together, but its still tough for me to know/understand what types of things are possible with effort, and which things are immutable wiring issues that just can't be reasonably factored into a compromise (except to be the reason why we come up with a completely different way to achieve whatever end those issues were involved with). Like I said, he's great about talking through all of this with me, but there's only so much deep conversation about this type of stuff two people can stand before it starts to get in the way if simply enjoying each other (even when the conversation is loving and productive) so i'm super glad this forum exists!!

 

[Gr82bk8]

I can honestly say that despite how it sometimes appears, I never lose interest in my partner, I just go into a sort of "sleep mode" a lot. It's as close as I can get to shutting down without actually shutting down, and it's a necessity for me to keep from being overwhelmed. I'm still always acutely aware of her presence, and even more so when she isn't present. And when she isn't present, I hurt. Even if your partner is not engaging, it's still very likely that you have their attention, even if it's not in a way that you relate to. I wish I could tell you there was something that can recharge them instantly, but sometimes it just can't be done.

That totally makes sense, thank you for your honesty that it sometimes can't be done. Thats the kind of stuff i'm really trying to understand and recognize, just as i am learning to recognize the cues that show me i still have his interest and his heart. It's been hard, but i feel like im doing better every day with recognizing and valuing those things for their true meaning. Does your partner ever have a hard time with your sleep mode?

 

[Robin Winter]

Does your partner ever have a hard time with your sleep mode?

She does, yes, because she's the opposite, quiet bothers her, she needs to be constantly engaged in order to distract from her own issues. We do our best to accommodate each other as much as we're able, but it can be trying at times for both of us. Sometimes we play video games together because it's a way for us to spend time together that allows me to kind of go on autopilot.

 

[Bolletje]

I never really lose interest in my boyfriend, but we go through rough patches every now and then. I don’t disengage fully, but I tend to become a little withdrawn and closed off.
What draws me back in is little things. Often unpredictable bursts of overwhelming love, really.
It can be triggered by lots of things. Coming home from work to find he’s cleaned the house or done grocery shopping. Watching a funny show together and laughing until we cry. Playing video games together. Hearing him talk to our cats. Going out for drinks and making snide remarks about people who walk by. Getting a surprise that shows he really knows me. Nothing expensive, just tiny things.

We’re currently going through a really rough patch and I’m sort of ping ponging between hurt/angry, semi-detachment, and overwhelming surges of affection.

 

[Gr82bk8]

I never really lose interest in my boyfriend, but we go through rough patches every now and then. I don’t disengage fully, but I tend to become a little withdrawn and closed off.
What draws me back in is little things. Often unpredictable bursts of overwhelming love, really.
It can be triggered by lots of things. Coming home from work to find he’s cleaned the house or done grocery shopping. Watching a funny show together and laughing until we cry. Playing video games together. Hearing him talk to our cats. Going out for drinks and making snide remarks about people who walk by. Getting a surprise that shows he really knows me. Nothing expensive, just tiny things.

We’re currently going through a really rough patch and I’m sort of ping ponging between hurt/angry, semi-detachment, and overwhelming surges of affection.

hearing you describe the bursts of love rings a bell. I can think of times where I'm pretty sure that's happened for my bf with me, but until you explained it I didn't fully make the connection. Being a super analytical proactive type, my first thought is to want to figure out every little thing that might trigger that kind of response and have a mental list handy at all times, but of course I'm sure the reason they have that affect in the first place is because they're not premeditated--just instinctual caring or endearing things. But it really helps to know that kind of thing happens. That's something that happens for me too, with him, so it's nice to be able to relate to the trigger and the outcome, even if I can't quite wrap my head around the closed/withdrawn place he's coming back from. Thank you! Incidentally, is the rough patch you're in with your guy as/nt related?

 

[Gr82bk8]

She does, yes, because she's the opposite, quiet bothers her, she needs to be constantly engaged in order to distract from her own issues. We do our best to accommodate each other as much as we're able, but it can be trying at times for both of us. Sometimes we play video games together because it's a way for us to spend time together that allows me to kind of go on autopilot.

We do this too! video games are like the perfect middle ground activity--enough togetherness to feel connected, but the game is distracting enough I don't expect or want some big interaction so he gets a breather. Win!

 

[balsabonbon]

I can honestly say that despite how it sometimes appears, I never lose interest in my partner, I just go into a sort of "sleep mode" a lot. It's as close as I can get to shutting down without actually shutting down, and it's a necessity for me to keep from being overwhelmed.

Wow, I totally get this! I'm the same way! I think it can come across like I am intentionally shutting my partner out, but I need to do this or I get overloaded and am no good to anyone as I feel like my system is getting shocked and I have no way of turning off the shocks.