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What makes a difference?

Professori

Professori

Professori
Last time I posted something I asked what is the best advice you have been given. I see that was relegated to the post on words and quotes.

I didn't mean what was simply special to you - I was asking what advice really made a difference to you as someone on the spectrum so that it changed your ways, or life, or whatever. Aspires are often seen as self-focussed, selfish, rude, boorish, pushy, etc. and don't seem to make friends easily, or even have friends.

So, in the face of life being so difficult and misunderstood, have you ever been close enough to someone who has actually understood you to some extent, and who has given you some really good advice that made a real difference? What is that - it could help others. Or do we just stew in our own juice, sucking up the toughness of a life that is tough anyway?

What really makes Aspies tick, and not like a time bomb
 
Well being british ive been told many times to keep my head up and carry on. Problems wont go away just beacause i dont like them. So soldier on.
 
Turn every disadvantage to your advantage.

I have a lot of challenges being an Aspie, but I also have incredible talents; I notice more than others, I have keener senses, better abilities to concentrate, and a rational side that seems stronger than many NTs.

I don't fall into traps society puts out that makes a person's desire to "fit in" serve others instead of themselves.
 
"Learn from your mistakes"

We all make mistakes. The trick is to remember them and not repeat them.
 
My closest friend is my spouse who's also an aspie. He never really gave advice, nor did I to him. It was his character; sense of self, priorities, that helped me to understand his ethics and his morality. Which are quite similar to my own. He indicated by example rather than authoritative direction.

It's rather difficult to explain, in that it likely touches on the differences between females and males. As a female my upbringing was such that the abilities I believed I had were inherent, or born with. If its indicated in childhood that you can sing or are athletic or draw well, then you assume that you are 'born' with these talents, or that you inherited them. My spouse worked at his abilities, they were not inherent, nor did he believe they were.

Magical thinking, that meant that I was skilled at something simply because I showed an ability for it. Therefore, I didn't need to work at mastery. Those talents simply existed within me. Females are told they are pretty or beautiful or smart or talented, or good at something. Which leads them to believe its something they have already, without it being earned.

Yet I learned that those sorts of 'inherent' talents are long and difficult work, if you like or want something talent contributes somewhat, but doesn't necessarily make you a master. Talent seems more like desire rather than focus. Everyday of his life he works at his gift, which by virtue of it's name: gift, is not something he was given by someone else. It's something he gave himself. So, mastery of anything, is not inherent, although along with genetic inheritance it might contribute, it's focus and dedication and quite hard work that's most important. Having a natural aptitude or skill is only the beginning.
 
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Encouragement is seldom handed out to those who are different. My parents were told that I was just too much of a day-dreamer. I don't like the word just.

There is a scene in the movie Finding Neverland where someone is describing Porthos, a dog.
Peter: This is absurd. It's just a dog.
Barrie: Just a dog? Just?
Barrie then says to Porthos: Porthos, don't listen.
Then he turns to Peter and says: Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he is just a dog? What a horrible, candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, "He can't climb that mountain because he's just a man," or, "That's not a diamond, it's just a rock."

So, that's very much like saying, "He/she will never amount to much because he/she is just an Aspie." A candle-snuffing comment.
 
Mia said:
My closest friend is my spouse who's also an aspie. He never really gave advice, nor did I to him. It was his character; sense of self, priorities, that helped me to understand his ethics and his morality. Which are quite similar to my own. He indicated by example rather than authoritative direction.

It's rather difficult to explain, in that it likely touches on the differences between females and males. As a female my upbringing was such that the abilities I believed I had were inherent, or born with. If its indicated in childhood that you can sing or are athletic or draw well, then you assume that you are 'born' with these talents, or that you inherited them. My spouse worked at his abilities, they were not inherent, nor did he believe they were.

Magical thinking, that meant that I was skilled at something simply because I showed an ability for them. Therefore, I didn't need to work at mastery. Those talents simply existed within me.

Yet I learned that those sorts of 'inherent' talents are long and difficult work, if you like or want something talent contributes somewhat, but doesn't necessarily make you a master. Talent seems more like desire rather than focus. And everyday of his life he works at his talent. So, mastery of anything, is not inherent, although along with genetic inheritance it might contribute, it's focus and dedication that's most important. Having a natural aptitude or skill is only the beginning.
Click to expand...

True mastery of anything, to be the very best at something, requires total focus and dedication. You have to live and breath it. There is no time for anything else. Because if you do not take this approach, someone else will. Then they will be the very best.

I believe that being very competitive helps. Having that "second place is just the first loser" attitude helps a person get to that pinnacle that they are going for. Even in this group of people, only a few get to be the very best. The rest have to settle for being very, very good.
 
Preferences are a good thing. You develop them for legitimate reasons. You feel strongly about them, because you're a good creature built for a different world. But don't cling to them as if they are your Self or identity. Making preferences who you are seems to get those on the spectrum stuck. Might even be like a buy in to what you hate about the NT world.

Also, crappy people will always indulge your preferences but still ignore, despise or devalue you.
 
Less personal, but they inform my decisions:
  1. The Golden Rule,
  2. Failure is inevitable. Factor it in. (Derived from the Law of Diminishing Returns.)
 
I was just thinking lately of just how much I overcame to be where I am today. Part of it is due to off-the chart stubborness. I'm sure it contributed to my mother having gone gray prematurely, but I think I've stuck out some really difficult situations, out of pride, because I wan't going to allow myself to fold and break. Sheer stubborness - in the long run, it payed off.

So more in the vein of what others may see as a negative, being turned into a positive.
 
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