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What is the thing you most want NTs to understand about people on the spectrum?

A

Aspieistj

Well-Known Member
I desperately wish they would avoid the magical thinking behavior in which they are certain that once we are told we act in an unacceptable (to NTs) way, we can and should "just remember not to do that again." If I have time to parse all aspects of what is going on around me I may be able to develop an "acceptable" response or reaction. However, no amount of correction from an NT can help me process what to say or do in a split second every time I have to react to something. I have seen on TV documentaries clips of young children being coached to make correct responses as they role play. Even though some are successful in learning to say the right thing quickly it is very obvious that they are not spontaneous as they speak. Is it really so important for NTs to hear an Aspie fake a response? I was a nurse, and a good one, and I hate to be touched. I could touch patients when necessary, as in giving care, and it didn't bother me at all. However, if something really sad happened and a patient was clearly upset I knew I was supposed to touch them reassuringly, and I did. I gave lots of pats and hugs because I knew it comforted the other person, but it meant nothing to me. I was role playing. It isn't that I didn't care, touch simply wasn't something I would appreciate and I felt phony doing it for NTs. Interestingly, I am totally sincere when I cuddle, comfort and love a small child or an animal.
 
I really am interested in how Aspies feel about NT's acceptance or lack of acceptance. I understand that the majority of NTs probably don't bother to learn much about the cause of the condition. And they say we don't sympathize with other people's problems! How do you react when an NT tells you to just make yourself react "normally?" Many Aspies say they don't need "fixing" but I doubt that NTs will agree. We need a great national spokesperson to create awareness of who and what we are. A famous actor or sportsman would be ideal because most people think they are gods. Are you willing to be considered handicapped? I, for one, am. My life has never been as easy as the NT life. No one tells a blind person to "just see" or a deaf person to hear. NTs really have to understand there are certain things we just can't do spontaneously. The onus should be on the NTs to accommodate us! Of course, we do need to try to curb our natural behaviors like going on forever about something that is extremely interesting to us, but not them.
 
I am so happy I found this site, it's such a relief to find people who might be able to relate to my frustrations. More than anything else I hate that people think I understand or should understand what they are saying when they are speaking indirectly. I have instructed people close to me to be direct because I still don't understand body language, or tone, or suggestive language. Now that I know these things exist, I work on looking for them, but I still seem to miss a lot. I think the world would be so much better if people just said exactly what it is they need and how they want it done.
 
That we are still human and as humans we make mistakes and that doesn't mean that its the autism's fault all the time or that it isn't in response to something that we have a hard time with. I know for me I do not react the way most people think a 31yr old female should react when under extreme stress and or when being in my view bullied (like a customer bullying me) I do not react in the typical fashion that most people do which I apparently is just to keep calm and ignore it or whatever I meltdown. Soooo I wish for them to understand that if you don't know then ask. I would rather explain than keeping people ignorant.
 
That the spectrum is as diverse as the electromagnetic spectrum. The extreme ends of lght spectrum will killyou , instantly. The dead center is harmless. the teremeity aspecyt iss the key, the thing to focus on, not the "death" part
 
That we are people too. Not "defective" not "broken", but we just have a few things that make our lives easier and harder than NTs. We still have emotions. We still have feelings. We want to be seen and treated like a person.
 
That if you can't be put to the trouble of learning about the condition, you'd better not opinionate about the problems aspies have with the majority of the world as "their fault." And then tell them to just stop behaving "that way."

I was appalled to see a particularly voluble commentator describe anger management issues as something aspies have (since we often talk about anger!), claim to be partly aspie herself in another thread, and in a third thread, question whether a known behavioral identifier used in the tests is aspie behavior. And then excuse herself that "she didn't know." Even another NT had told her publicly that telling aspies "just stop doing what you're doing" was a hurtful response.

Ignorance is no excuse before the law. (And saying "I didn't know" isn't an apology and doesn't acknowledge how damaging it is to come here and get hit with the same kind of crap that drives me here in the first place.)

When you have to admit that you don't know anything about aspies, then it follows you don't know enough to give "advice." If you want to write a treatise telling people how to think about a situation, get a blog.
 
That I might look like you, but I don't think or behave like you, or like or understand the things you do, so stop telling me I am like you, when my whole lifes' experience tells me I'm obviously not!
 
Oh my, how I know what you feel and you put it so well. I am married to an nt, who thinks that my condition is fixable, if I am only willing to accept that it is; thinks that because I know what is wrong, then surely I can work to get over it eh? He says our communication issues are down to me not understanding him and I cause such upheaval when we were doing great; more like me just going along because it is better than arguing but there are some things, I cannot agree with and will say.

I cannot cope being touched either and hugs do nothing for me. I hug and receive hugs, because I do appreciate the sentiment behind it. It is awful when someone is upset, because I tend to scrutinize and think: how funny you look when you cry or screw your face up and oh dear, surely I do not look like that and honestly, I have to shake myself and tell myself off, for being so cold and just hope that when I utter the words of "sympathy" it shows.

I guess I am a pretty good actress.

My husband does nothing to try and understand me; it is all about me having to understand him. What I hate most is that he is in constant competition with me and that is so tiring!

The ironic thing is that he was the first to notice how literally I take things etc etc, but now he knows what is going on, there is no cooperation.

He talks about boundries to me and I try to explain that if I do not think I overstepped the boundary, how can work along? I mean I know the distance to stand from someone etc, but he says that I must not interrupt him and should know when I can and leaves me bewildered.

I live in hope, but quickly fading!
 
As an NT dating a guy with HFA I cannot even begin to tell you how much reading all you have to say so helpful. I work with kids on the spectrum but boy dating an adult who is have been a learning curve for me. I know I need to educate myself to really understand because I love him totally and want this to work x
 
I notice the way people look when they're emotional too Suzanne and it really can be quite distracting from how I can feel that they're feeling.. noticing too much all the time and, I think, not prioritising the way we're 'supposed' to.
I wish I knew why many people don't seem to be able to let go of trying to make us 'normal' (I honestly don't mean this as a criticism, I think it's more societal pressure than anything else), it is unhelpful and tiring!
I don't mean to make any associations here, but my ex-wife (of 5 years) still tries to 'cure' me and only forces me toward more melt/shut downs, then says I should see a psychiatrist or someone, because I seem to have a problem! She also, at the same time, categorically denies any possibility that I have AS/HFA, anxiety, depression.. :confused:
This is only my experience of some of those people I know, but you have my sympathy and understanding :rose:
 
I'd like most people to just use their brains and think before they speak or act. A little common courtesy would be nice too. If I'm not grabbing your underwear and asking about your bedroom habits or going into your office and rearranging or breaking your items, I probably would appreciate the same respect.

I'll keep dreamin'.
 
AsheSkyler said:
If I'm not grabbing your underwear and asking about your bedroom habits or going into your office and rearranging or breaking your items, I probably would appreciate the same respect. I'll keep dreamin'.
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Wow, really?!?!?! THAT is NOT normal behavior for anyone AsheSkyler! That person is a super PIA!!!! You have my sympathies! :D
 
Suzanne said:
Oh my, how I know what you feel and you put it so well. I am married to an nt, who thinks that my condition is fixable, if I am only willing to accept that it is; thinks that because I know what is wrong, then surely I can work to get over it eh? He says our communication issues are down to me not understanding him and I cause such upheaval when we were doing great; more like me just going along because it is better than arguing but there are some things, I cannot agree with and will say.

I cannot cope being touched either and hugs do nothing for me. I hug and receive hugs, because I do appreciate the sentiment behind it. It is awful when someone is upset, because I tend to scrutinize and think: how funny you look when you cry or screw your face up and oh dear, surely I do not look like that and honestly, I have to shake myself and tell myself off, for being so cold and just hope that when I utter the words of "sympathy" it shows.

I guess I am a pretty good actress.

My husband does nothing to try and understand me; it is all about me having to understand him. What I hate most is that he is in constant competition with me and that is so tiring!

The ironic thing is that he was the first to notice how literally I take things etc etc, but now he knows what is going on, there is no cooperation.

He talks about boundries to me and I try to explain that if I do not think I overstepped the boundary, how can work along? I mean I know the distance to stand from someone etc, but he says that I must not interrupt him and should know when I can and leaves me bewildered.

I live in hope, but quickly fading!
Click to expand...
Suzanne, I hate to mention the D word .... I know you've been married a long time & your husband loves you ... & your Faith precludes divorce, BUT everyone needs to feel peace & acceptance in their own home. Sometimes divorce is a necessary evil, a viable solution, when someone is made to feel worse by their spouse. Just a thought. You deserve to be happy.
 
Tia Maria said:
Suzanne, I hate to mention the D word .... I know you've been married a long time & your husband loves you ... & your Faith precludes divorce, BUT everyone needs to feel peace & acceptance in their own home. Sometimes divorce is a necessary evil, a viable solution, when someone is made to feel worse by their spouse. Just a thought. You deserve to be happy.
Click to expand...

And so does my husband ie deserve to be happy, Tia Maria. I am rather ashamed that he makes me think of Nabel ( perhaps you know the story)? Two things stop me from ending my marriage: I hate the idea of bringing shame to Jehovah and cannot cope with seeing the torture in my husband's face; you see, I have been unfaithful twice; once sadly, physically, in our early marriage and the second time, emotional. So I know that look too well that stops me from ending things. It is to be honest, the absolute PITS to pity another human being, but I find that against my will, my eyes are wide open. I am asked by an nt friend: so why did you marry him? Because he offered to love and protect me. I was 21 but very immature and had my entire family against me, due to going to the police about the abuse, we suffered ie me and my siblings. I was frightened and bewildered; I had no faith at that time and had no idea I was an aspie. Oh it was obvious that we were terribly incompatible right from the beginning, but I stupidly ignored the little disquieting thoughts and just got on with things. It is a case of I made my bed, I must lie in it; however, due to my faith, I have a wonderful hope to look forward to, which helps me in my nightmare.

I will share more if you were to give me your email.

I live every day, with deep regret for my actions, but my husband is the type of character who likes to remind me. Actually just sunday gone, we studied in our watchtower, how to strengthen the bond of marriage and keep away from sexual immorality. You see, people are quick to judge when a partner has been unfaithful, but unless one is inside their heads and knows their lives, who has the right to judge?
 
That people who are on the spectrum are actually people, meaning human beings and, have intense feelings and do have brains. I feel that at times I have been viewed as stupid due to misunderstanding and miscommunication. Or being viewed as heartless because I don't always know how to react to others' emotional pain or express my own emotional pain properly. There is a common misconception that people who do not vocalize or show their thoughts/emotions do not think/ feel emotion. It isn't fair because that simply isn't true. And being on the spectrum constantly having to take the blame and apologize for every little mistake un-preventable because of the mental disorder itself. I didn't ask to be this way, like 'just because you don't understand why I'm like this when I try to explain it, doesn't mean it isn't that way.' I am so crying right now! I've gotten in trouble so many times for things I couldn't help because of AS and I was to one who had to be sorry no matter how badly it hurt my feelings. Someone who has anxiety disorder cannot be persuaded to relax in crowds of people and be expected to apologize for panicing any more than people on the spectrum can be persuaded to think like an NT and have to apologize for unsuccessfulling acting as they are not. People on the spectrum are not puzzle pieces that can be carved and criticized just to fit in the ideal place.
 
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