What is the term/treatment for this type of scenario?

[novart]

I've only been on my autism journey for a year now (I'm in my 30s). I met a high-functioning woman who I went out with, but wasn't sure if we were actually dating, but had a great time and was feeling good, and that was that. She confirmed it yesterday which is incredible, and yet I find these overwhelming thoughts about future restrictions and how can I possibly be able to keep this up, even the order and routines I've developed feel threatened. I recognize this exact feeling through out my life going back to childhood from future school and career planning down to simply making a certain grade by the end of a semester.

I should be feeling incredible right now - in fact I do feel it but buried underneath all the anxiety. Rationally it makes no sense to me. Nothing serious has happened. I haven't signed any contracts or made any commitments. I don't have to mask myself like with my other failed attempts at relationships with NTs. I get nothing but the impression that she wants to pace this as well. And yet in spite of that every nerve and fiber of my being feels like it's prepped to be defensive.

I've made so much progress over the past year, and yet I can't envision myself in that possible distant future as being anything other than what I am at this current moment. I used to dream about the day I could actually date someone who likes "me" and not the mask. Is this like a mix of my natural poor executive functioning and ingrained anxiety from a lifetime of being undiagnosed?

Hell, I almost feel creeped out on her behalf just because of how obsessive it seems. I just want to enjoy this for what it is and take it as it goes. What should I do?

 

[wight]

well, don't do anything. You will be glad to hear that you are completely normal in how you are feeling. A mixture of excitement and anxiety is what the start of new relationships are like.

The best thing you can do is share your feelings with her, let her know you are both (excited and anxious), and ask if she feels the same way. You might both end up laughing about it... as in "ha ha, isn't autism ridiculous sometimes, we'll get through this"... come up with a plan on what do to if one or both of you feel overwhelmed, come up with a "code word" for it, explain how you think that she wants to take things at an slow pace and ask if that is what she thinks, and explain how you are going to need to take things slow until you get used to an "unmasked" kind of relationship. Go in prepared, write a script if you have to. (odds are she'll think it's cute that you gave it enough thought to have to write it down)

Seriously, in real relationships, sharing feelings and working through them together is what you do.

 

[novart]

well, don't do anything. You will be glad to hear that you are completely normal in how you are feeling. A mixture of excitement and anxiety is what the start of new relationships are like.

The best thing you can do is share your feelings with her, let her know you are both (excited and anxious), and ask if she feels the same way. You might both end up laughing about it... as in "ha ha, isn't autism ridiculous sometimes, we'll get through this"... come up with a plan on what do to if one or both of you feel overwhelmed, come up with a "code word" for it, explain how you think that she wants to take things at an slow pace and ask if that is what she thinks, and explain how you are going to need to take things slow until you get used to an "unmasked" kind of relationship. Go in prepared, write a script if you have to. (odds are she'll think it's cute that you gave it enough thought to have to write it down)

Seriously, in real relationships, sharing feelings and working through them together is what you do.

Great advice, although you're probably right in part about mixed feelings being natural I still feel a lot of it isn't, it's so recognizable from most of my life. It feels like it works it's way through my nerves up to my brain, and then it's like I feel paralyzed and become entirely ineffective at the task at hand. I worry because this severely affected me every year at school, as well as with various new friendships and in other areas of life.

I vaguely remember hearing about a term for this or at least something similar, but can't for the life of me remember it or even what search terms would bring it up.

I can't believe I didn't think to joke about autism as a form of alleviation, I'll have to use that!

 

[novart]

Although on second thought I guess I would have to wait more than a day to separate the normal new relationship anxiety from that.

Regardless, I want to work on going back to school for a career, as well as getting a job in the meantime (can't believe she didn't just up and leave after revealing my lack of those). That paralysis feeling is what I get when I bring that up in my head, so I guess this applies to more than just a relationship.

 

[TheFreeCat]

The intensity of that feeling varies greatly from Aspie to Aspie. For me, it is horribly strong.

And it is a legitimate feeling in my case.

For me, I cannot break routine without severe emotional and psychological repercussions.

Every attempt at relationships, even non-sexual, has left me in a relapse of several other conditions I have to deal with alongside my ASD.

Even attempts at other things, pleasurable things, vacations, school, etc.....

One or two days pushing the boundaries and it starts to slip.

By two weeks, I am a terrible amount of psychological pain, wanting to do XZY, wanting to change, wanting to stick it out.......

But then I collapse back into near insanity.

Then I have to isolate. Be alone, stop talking, try to recoup as best I can.

Sometimes i have not been able to recoup and each new normal has NOT been good.

Each deviation from the original form my ASD took, except a few minor alterations, has been bad AND traumatic. Life is a constant struggle now.

But I am extreme in that. Not all Aspies are like me. But that is my take on the matter.

 

[SusanLR]

The intensity of that feeling varies greatly from Aspie to Aspie. For me, it is horribly strong.

And it is a legitimate feeling in my case.

For me, I cannot break routine without severe emotional and psychological repercussions.

Every attempt at relationships, even non-sexual, has left me in a relapse of several other conditions I have to deal with alongside my ASD.

Even attempts at other things, pleasurable things, vacations, school, etc.....

One or two days pushing the boundaries and it starts to slip.

By two weeks, I am a terrible amount of psychological pain, wanting to do XZY, wanting to change, wanting to stick it out.......

But then I collapse back into near insanity.

Then I have to isolate. Be alone, stop talking, try to recoup as best I can.

Sometimes i have not been able to recoup and each new normal has NOT been good.

Each deviation from the original form my ASD took, except a few minor alterations, has been bad AND traumatic. Life is a constant struggle now.

But I am extreme in that. Not all Aspies are like me. But that is my take on the matter.

I am one of those extreme ones also.
And I can't stand my therapist saying, "Well, welcome to the new normal."
If this is now my normal and I'm going off the wall, how can I welcome it?"

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

If you think you have an anxiety disorder see a psychologist.