What Has Been Helpful For You?

[Alcyon]

As you go about your day-to-day life, what lessons have you learned, or what techniques do you employ, to make things easier and/or better for you?

I'll start with two that have proven themselves over the years:

1. I continuously strive to exclude negative self-talk.

This is one of the most important and powerful things I have done to improve my life, yet it's fairly subtle. Things like, serving a meal I've made and saying "you probably won't like it, I should have added x". Starting something new and saying to myself or someone close by: "I'm probably not going to be good at this." After making a mistake: "oh, I'm sooo stupid!" You get the idea.

I grew up surrounded by this, and very much made it mine. I started thinking about the causes and effects of this type of language when I had to work for awhile with someone who took it to the extreme; it worked well as a reductio ad absurdum: I was confronted by how damaging it is to allow negativity to rule the roost, so to speak. The philosophers who contend that language "creates" our reality are on to something.

It would be hard for me to overstate the positive effect of this. I've been at it for over a decade, while it doesn't make everything "all better", I find it allows me to focus on realistic and compassionate solutions, rather than remaining in the problem.

2. I "shush" myself, often!

I how often did I find myself in heated, almost violent, conflict with others because I knew I just had to intervene or voice my opinion? For years it seemed as though I only broke my silence to cause trouble because someone wasn't behaving as I thought they ought to; I had to point this out, I had to make things right. While I was often correct, or at least I was sure I was, when the dust settled, I was the one hurt and looking like a fool.

Sometime in my late twenties, I came across a story about Lincoln writing a vitriolic letter to a general who had, yet again, lost a battle that should have been a victory. Lincoln put the letter in his desk drawer for the night; the next day, he re-read it...and destroyed it.

The scales fell from my eyes. Even when I think that I absolutely must say something, I am often (not always, sadly) able to restrain myself, to take just a few seconds, that's all that is usually needed, to think a situation through: I have never regretted this!

Someone has eleven items in the eight items or less checkout? "Shush!"...and I think about the relative importance of an extra few seconds in a universe that's billions of years old. I feel I'm being treated unfairly somehow? "Shush!"...and I focus on what I need/want and how I might best achieve that. Not surprisingly, a massive blow-out is not a good way to get co-operation from others! Much to my amazement, i have learned that there is very little in my day-to-day life that calls for immediate, forceful involvement...I put the letter in the drawer, to re-read it tomorrow

 

[Mia]

I find this helpful Alcyon, it's something that I've been working on for decades myself. It costs so much more to be negative and it's damaging to the body and mind. Like the feeling of being at peace and even happy rather than depressed. Although there are times when there is little choice, as the negative thoughts intrude and take up space that I would rather devote to other things.

One morning years ago, I woke up late. It was a Saturday and I had no real plans for the day. Yet I felt terrible, after such a restful sleep. Berating myself for being lazy, a word from childhood came to mind: "bad." Why am I bad? I asked myself. I considered my life lying there; searching for' bad' things or instances of 'bad' behavior. Discovered relatively few if any, all from childhood. Chewing gum in school, eating cookies before meals. Breaking a dish, writing notes to friends during class time. If anything they were childish misdemeanors of no real consequence. Yet I still reverted to those childhood thought patterns and wholeheartedly berated myself. As a thinking pattern it was just below the surface, and it was the first time I actually realized it.

That way of thinking had both constricted and ruled my life, a modus operandi for much of what I did. And until that moment on a saturday, I hadn't realized it. That's when I began to question everything that I thought. Were these my own thoughts, something I internalized? Or the words of a parent, sibling, friend, priest, nun, teacher, boss or aquaintance? Which were helpful, insightful and did I need them to populate my inner life? Over time I rejected many, I weighed the pro's and con's of each idea/thought. What did I actually think, minus the influence of others, which did I agree with, which had formed my mindset.

How influenced had I been by my schooling, literature, media, and church and family? I weighted and countered them all, each and every idea. And then I decided what I really did think still coloured by those influences, knowing that many of those perceptions could not be obliterated. It was considering what I had done in my life so far, looking at patterns, that helped me to decide what I really did think. For the first time, I began to really think fully for myself. With fewer internal-external influences.

 

[toothless]

-i use mindfulness.
-i smoke CBD for my anxiety and my nerve damage.
-i go to a social club for people with intellectual disability to push myself in terms of interaction and socialisation, even though i really hate both of them and just sit there in my own world,i hope to one day improve in these areas by doing this.
-i have a green/camoflage medical ID bracelet which says 'classic autism, LD [meaning intellectual disability],epilepsy, uncommunicative',its basically so people can understand me if i run off or if a police officer speaks to me,its a big help as it takes some stress away.

 

[On the Inside]

Working to lessen and eliminate negative self talk was a good first step towards addressing the real problems of this condition. I say real, because that negative self talk is a loop tape of reactions to every mistake I have ever made, which started to cloud every action I took. (Exaggerating of course). I think of that as not real, it's in my head, made up. The mistakes I made were real, absolutely, and getting a grip on the negative self talk allowed me to revisit those mistakes, put them in perspective and move on. I think that allows me to actually learn from my mistakes, rather than cower in fear (anxiety)of making more.

Dealing with anxiety has also been very helpful. I feel the physical and psychological effects of anxiety so strongly, that at times it is debilitating. Either I can't do what I need to, or I behave in ways that make situations much worse, relationships deteriorate, and I make decisions that are counter to my best interests.

Before I really fell apart due to this condition, I was a devoted meditator, and during that time, the negative self talk was minimized, and anxiety was much easier to deal with. I discontinued my daily meditation, eventually abandoning the practice altogether, and a few years later I was in a serious downward spiral. Now I take medication to help with anxiety, depression and compulsive thoughts and actions. Eventually, I would like to re-establish my meditation practice, but I find it very difficult to re-cultivate the discipline needed.

 

[Nerdpride20950]

I too had to break the bad habit of negative talk! I like the saying my sister found in an article on breaking the habit. It was: "Would you talk to your best friend the way you talk to yourself?" It really helped me see how mean I was to myself. Heck, I wouldn't talk to someone I disliked as harshly as I used to talk to myself! I was positively cruel sometimes!

The other thing that helped me was to not expect perfection from myself. I would work myself all up over the tiniest mistake and obsess over it for months! This was REALLY hard on my stress levels, as one could imagine! Once I started to expect more realistic results, I found I wasn't making as many mistakes as I thought.

 

[xDominiel]

"Would you talk to your best friend the way you talk to yourself?"

I had a therapist a couple years ago who said "you torment yourself a lot, don't you?"

Guilty as charged... :I

 

[OkRad]

These are very, very helpful. I will "hear" these in my head over the next couple of days and maybe longer.

For me, it's changed as I got older.

1. When I was young, I smiled a lot. That got me by because it connected me with people. I was one of the unfortunates who ACHED for people.

2. When I caught on that I was not going to connect, I totally and completely buried myself in my special interest. For more than 20 years, I went full steam into it.

3. Picked something which made my brain hurt MORE than the trauma.....example: Try teaching yourself Ancient Greek when you've just been smashed by life. I tried Latin but the experience continued to play under even the hardest conjugations. So I turned to Greek. BINGO!

I remember saying to myself "I CANNOT do Greek and think about that experience. One has to go....." And I focused in on the Greek!!! My brain was literally aching to go over and over and over the bullying, but Homer blocked it. hehehe. It could be physics or geometry or anything which is way hard.

4. Hitting the gym until I can hardly walk. Sometimes I go to three gyms in a day. I call this "Killing" that thing in my head which never lets me relax. In 3 decades I can't recall one day I was able to relax. So I stopped trying. This is unsustainable, I am sure because some days I can hardly get out of bed, but I do.

5. Petting an animal. Just loving the animal and receiving the love from the animal. They are so awesome at giving us love with their beautiful eyes looking up at us. One time when I had been hideously abused, I held my cat and just kept petting him. He had no idea. I just poured it all out onto his fur and in response, he poured (or purred) out all his love right into me. I was totally relaxed!!

I know all these are more like getting through one day, but that is how I have to live. I can't see the wide sweeping thing, so it's narrow focus on getting thriugh one more day.............

 

[On the Inside]

OkRad, I also did the compulsive exercise for many years. It helped, but I learned that I was chasing after goals that I would never reach, that weren't possible by training by itself.

While I still excise daily, the compulsive motivation is much lessened, and I am able to listen to my body now, and let it rest, heal, recover when I need to. I feel that it is more sustainable now. I'm learning what is sustainable.

Need to increase the intensity and duration a little, since I've gained 15 pounds.