Want a Relationship but Feel So Unrelatable

[Wizardry]

Since my early teens, I've desired nothing more than to experience my first relationship. Unfortunately, poor social skills and difficulties with social cues, a complete lack of relationship role-models and people to turn to for dating advice, and crippling self-doubt about my appeal to the opposite sex made it so that even when I had dating opportunities, I was either oblivious to them in the moment, only to later realise what I'd missed in hindsight, or I simply didn't know how to proceed with them, and I ran out of time to figure it out.

The appeal of a romantic relationship for me is probably similar to what it is for most people who want a relationship. I want to experience physical intimacy and emotional intimacy in the context of mutual heterosexual attraction. I also want to feel loved romantically, and love someone else the same way.

Having this desire over several years and not being able to fulfill it, especially in the context of a society where most people get to experience love much earlier, has led me to experience worsening depression, emotional numbness, and feelings of alienation from others who can't empathise with the anguish that often accompanies completely missing out on romantic love and intimacy well into adulthood (I'm 29).

I don't have much ambition or motivation to do things. I don't have much in the way of interests or hobbies that I'm interested in actively pursuing. Most of my days are spent purposelessly browsing the internet, watching a couple of Youtube videos, and consuming sugary drinks and unhealthy food. I probably have some form of anhedonia. I don't think there's a lot of potential for me to experience much pleasure or enjoyment without a romantic relationship in my life at this stage.

Conversely, I think experiencing romantic love would be incredibly emotionally envigorating for me, and would awaken me to joys, feelings and motivation that I haven't felt for a long time, or perhaps ever. I truly do believe getting to experience physical intimacy and emotional intimacy in the context of mutual heterosexual attraction would add an explosion of vibrant colours to my greyscale world.

The big problem is that I don't feel very relatable, and don't have a lot to talk about. I'm a person of depth, and I'm very logical, but I'm honestly pretty dispassionate about life and most things, and I've been increasingly that way over the several years that I've been depressed about romantic loneliness, which makes it hard to connect with people.

There are places I could go and try to meet women, but I just don't have much confidence in my ability to connect with them for reasons I've mentioned in the paragraphs above. I just feel like I'm on a different wavelength than most people, especially neurotypical women. I don't expect the vast majority of people to be able to relate with a lot of the hardships I've been through in my life, and that leaves me wondering what it is that we can relate with each other about.

 

[Tired]

you honestly sound a lot like a friend i had, who i actually ended up turning away for similar reasons. He was logical, smart, attractive (and who doesnt love pretty intelligent men?), but he didnt really have interests or things that brought him joy. Mostly scrolling the internet, eating, existing.

The problem was that i didnt know what to do with him or talk with him about after we covered the few things we had in common. He didnt want to try the things i liked, and i wasnt into the things he did (or rather, didnt do), he played like 2 specific games and just watched videos on politics and science, both of which can be fine topics for some time, but not 100% of the time.
So when he later told me he wanted more than friendship, i tried to picture an actual relationship… and all i saw was two people sitting next to each other, with nothing that made either of us feel alive. Thats why i said no.

Im telling you this because i think youre stuck in a loop right now. You believe your life will only gain color after you experience romantic love - and i actually think that might be true, but the hard part is that to get that love, you have to look like someone whose life already has some color in it. Some spark!
Attraction usually comes from an energy of "this person is good to be around." Interests, curiosity, wanting to try things, having some spark - even small ones. People generally dont connect through heaviness at first. They connect through shared moments, excitement, doing things together.
That doesnt mean you have to fake happiness or hide your struggles forever. It just means that those deeper parts usually come after a bond is already there. Once someone is emotionally invested, theyre much more able and willing to see you for who you really are, to understand you, to fight for you.
Right now you have those hedonistic views on life. That makes connecting hard, because theres nothing for another person to grab onto...yet. (unless you find another woman like that, but chances are small)

Oh and yeah Im an NT woman who has an autistic boyfriend. And believe me he went through some crap in his life as well, and so did I, but we connected firstly through similar "love for life, even when life sucks sometimes," and later we bonded even more over sharing about our traumas and stuff like that.

I met both these men (my now boyfriend and that another friend) on the application named Boo. It's an app where you can search for friends and other relationships. You fill info about yourself, you put in your photos, and then you start matching with people, chatting, and hopefully going out after that. Maybe you can give it a try, and you will also see what and who are women in your area interested in.

 

[Masked Man]

This sounds to me so much like you're looking for the Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope. The woman character who comes along to "save" the guy from himself, teach him important life lessons, and how to enjoy life. Manic Pixie Dream Girl - Wikipedia.

Either you have to do all that for yourself (be social, learn your own life lessons, etc.) or you have to find someone who is into all that or is okay with it (you being "logical" and wanting to mostly be a home-body).

You probably should not expect that someone will want to "fix" you. In general, women do not want to mother a grown man. So - that means you need to live your own life - going out, doing things, and meeting people.

 

[velociraptor]

Since my early teens, I've desired nothing more than to experience my first relationship. Unfortunately, poor social skills and difficulties with social cues, a complete lack of relationship role-models and people to turn to for dating advice, and crippling self-doubt about my appeal to the opposite sex made it so that even when I had dating opportunities, I was either oblivious to them in the moment, only to later realise what I'd missed in hindsight, or I simply didn't know how to proceed with them, and I ran out of time to figure it out.

Be careful what you wish for. On the edge of wanting out of my relationship that is a quarter century old.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I am currently connecting two friends male an female both NT's looking for companionship. Like it when a plan comes together.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Since my early teens, I've desired nothing more than to experience my first relationship. Unfortunately, poor social skills and difficulties with social cues, a complete lack of relationship role-models and people to turn to for dating advice, and crippling self-doubt about my appeal to the opposite sex made it so that even when I had dating opportunities, I was either oblivious to them in the moment, only to later realise what I'd missed in hindsight, or I simply didn't know how to proceed with them, and I ran out of time to figure it out.

I grew up not knowing I had poor social skills or difficulties with social cues... I was oblivious. No clue of my autism condition, and neither was anyone else. It was never a thought in anyone's head. I did have good relationship role models growing up. I never gave any thought to my appeal to the opposite sex. I always had dating opportunities, but for sure, I was also oblivious to some in hindsight.

The appeal of a romantic relationship for me is probably similar to what it is for most people who want a relationship. I want to experience physical intimacy and emotional intimacy in the context of mutual heterosexual attraction. I also want to feel loved romantically, and love someone else the same way.

Totally worthwhile giving and receiving love.

Having this desire over several years and not being able to fulfill it, especially in the context of a society where most people get to experience love much earlier, has led me to experience worsening depression, emotional numbness, and feelings of alienation from others who can't empathise with the anguish that often accompanies completely missing out on romantic love and intimacy well into adulthood (I'm 29).

Understandable. It's like a part of you is missing... a hole in your heart.

I don't have much ambition or motivation to do things. I don't have much in the way of interests or hobbies that I'm interested in actively pursuing. Most of my days are spent purposelessly browsing the internet, watching a couple of Youtube videos, and consuming sugary drinks and unhealthy food. I probably have some form of anhedonia. I don't think there's a lot of potential for me to experience much pleasure or enjoyment without a romantic relationship in my life at this stage.

Likely the depression talking. This is where it can get complicated because no one wants to be around a depressed person. Conversely, people are attracted to positivity,... and are "dopamine addicts". Furthermore, amongst all the traits that a woman may be seeking physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually... financial security is needed if she is to feel safe and secure, and most especially if there are to be children involved. How you go about pulling yourself up and out of that hole, I don't know.

Conversely, I think experiencing romantic love would be incredibly emotionally envigorating for me, and would awaken me to joys, feelings and motivation that I haven't felt for a long time, or perhaps ever. I truly do believe getting to experience physical intimacy and emotional intimacy in the context of mutual heterosexual attraction would add an explosion of vibrant colours to my greyscale world.

Agree. Reciprocity being the key element here. It always has to be a 2-way street for it to work.

The big problem is that I don't feel very relatable, and don't have a lot to talk about. I'm a person of depth, and I'm very logical, but I'm honestly pretty dispassionate about life and most things, and I've been increasingly that way over the several years that I've been depressed about romantic loneliness, which makes it hard to connect with people.

I clearly understand my being unrelatable, and certainly do not speak unless spoken to or I have information to share. I am not a conversationalist. I am also a person of depth and very logical. However, I do have a passion for life and most things... probably because I tend to be a positive person, avoid negativity, and do not have the degree of depression issues that many autistics experience.

There are places I could go and try to meet women, but I just don't have much confidence in my ability to connect with them for reasons I've mentioned in the paragraphs above. I just feel like I'm on a different wavelength than most people, especially neurotypical women. I don't expect the vast majority of people to be able to relate with a lot of the hardships I've been through in my life, and that leaves me wondering what it is that we can relate with each other about.

There are two basic thoughts about this. One... find a social situation where you can share your special interest like a club meeting or conference. You will likely find like-minded people, perhaps a nice girl with a similar autism profile, and be able to share each other's passionate interests. Two... just put yourself out in the public realm where young people congregate and can meet each other. It doesn't have to be a noisy nightclub, but the bottom line is that people are a lot nicer in person than they are online... even if there is some rejection, you just accept it and move on to the next. Rejection at this initial level doesn't hurt as bad as you might think it does... for the simple reason you haven't invested any of your precious time into the relationship yet. As one says, you can only please some of the people, some of the time.

Neurotypical women... interestingly, I've been married to one for nearly 40 years. We have almost nothing in common. We have very few shared interests. We are on totally different wavelengths. We are a complete mystery to each other. Yet, we love each other completely. We do love traveling, being out in nature, rockhounding, etc. We do complement each other very well in terms of our knowledge and intellect... I lean on her, she leans on me... and anyone who has sat around a table and played team trivia or word games with us will never have a chance. We do have an agreed upon life plan. We are constantly working on our communication... I am reminded of it every day. With us being on totally different wavelengths, we must communicate well... it is a must. The two of us make one complete person.

Talk to some of our female members here on the forums... I am sure that some of them have also experienced some hardships and are finding it difficult to relate to and meet men. The point being... you're not alone and so broken that you can't experience love... you just haven't met the right person yet. Whether you are willing to take a chance on meeting a similar person and engage in a bit of "trauma-bonding" and try to heal each other... or find a neurotypical woman that complements you is up to you. That said, the right person doesn't just drop into your lap... you do have to put some positive energy into the process.

 

[Outdated]

Very few of us just get life handed to us on a gilded platter. You can have anything you want in life but you have to work for it.

Social skills might not come naturally to us but they can be learned. It's not easy though, it takes hard work and determination and above all it takes a lot of practice. Sitting at home dreaming about it will get you nowhere.

And in getting out and meeting people and learning how to socialise you also end up with things to talk about, and possibly a few new interests as well.

 

[if6wasnin9]

I feel like you and I always wanted friends after age 14 when I became sick.
I have lots of trouble figuring people out and their psychology. It tires me out. In the workplace you have to figure all your coworkers out in order to work with them and it's very frustrating.
I had several girlfriends and never worked out because I could not hold a conversation.