Undiagnosed boyfriend - how to proceed?

[Kimmieh]

I have posted on this forum before and I need your help again. I am dating a man who I suspect has high functioning autism, but is undiagnosed. I picked up clues early on, read up about it (this forum was MOST helpful) and I am very sure that he is autistic. He functions well, but struggles with social interaction, which interfered with working and, currently, looking for a new job. People are a mystery to him. He is an absolutely lovely person who only wants the best for everyone and he is trying to make sense of people and his inability to read them then and pick up on social clues. People tend to love him to bits except for some (like the new manager at his last job who used the first opportunity to fire him after three years of great work because he did not fit into the *let us all be a happy team* atmosphere said manager wanted to create).

I think it would help him to look into the possibility of being autistic because so much makes sense (including his uncanny intelligence, memory, and insane musical talent). I am not sure how to bring it up though. Someone here suggested to tell him that he reminds me of someone I know with autism (which is actually true). So my question is if anyone has any suggestions as to whether or not I should suggest that he look into it or see a professional? How did you react to your diagnosis?

 

[Ereth]

Does he suspect being autistic? I understand your desire to get your boyfriend assistance, but you've got to be extremely careful here. If you're intent on dropping a hint, you should first encourage him to investigate the matter on his own, and not necessarily because there's a diagnosis possibly waiting at the end of it. The only person who can decide to pursue a diagnosis is your boyfriend, so don't make him feel you're going to do so on his behalf.

 

[Kimmieh]

No, I don't think he suspects. I am honestly not sure what I should do, but I do see him struggling with trying to understand why he has such difficulty relating to people and I feel like looking into autism might give him answers. I am not sure it is my place to push him into any direction, which is why I have not suggested anything to him yet (we have been seeing each other for about four months). On the other hand, he is very receptive and open generally about things and we have a very easy and mutually transparent way of discussing things. So this is a bit of a dilemma and I thought I would ask around here to see what people's experiences are with regards to getting a diagnosis...

 

[Judge]

No, I don't think he suspects. I am honestly not sure what I should do, but I do see him struggling with trying to understand why he has such difficulty relating to people and I feel like looking into autism might give him answers.

Timing could be everything. If you think he suspects, you have to rely on your own ability to read him just at the right time.

When for whatever reason, if something triggers him to elicit a response that might allude to autism- in whole or even in part. That's your "queue" so to speak. It might put him more at ease and less likely to be on the defensive. Whatever it takes to avoid any sense of a confrontation or intervention. Make it a user-friendly process from the outset.

 

[paloftoon]

Given how highly functionable he may be, it may not be worth the investment to get an actual diagnosis if there is too much cost involved. Like if it's $1000s rather than up to about $200. I think you should talk about your concern with him 1-1 to make him aware of what research you've done. Allow him to look on his own and his him to share (some of) his experiences with you too. It might be better to discuss with him if he should look for some professional and/or organization which can help with social skills rather than focus on a diagnosis itself. If you're near a specialized meetup.com group which focuses on the whole idea of social skills and such, this could cater well to your b/f too. Also, since your b/f is the one that has to deal with the consequences and benefits of either decision, he's the one that needs to make the choice, not you. You need to help him best based on however he chooses to proceed. If he asks for your opinion on a decision, you can give it, but you still need to let him ultimately choose for himself. If he's indecisive, he would probably do nothing regarding this issue because that's going to be the easiest thing to do.


Be mindful that some people in a group may be tightly latched to their parents. If this is the case, unless you can form a good bond with the parents AND that individual, generally speaking, it's best just to interact with them on a group level. If such an individual comes to you to try for a closer friendship and you're interested, then I would involve the parent(s) and try to get along with them. It is very hard to make it work the other way where you try to initiate getting along with someone who is latched on tightly to their parent(s). Because of the social nuances that play a big factor, it's arguable whether a parent(s) is being overprotective or not. . .