Understanding Elders

[Poppy98]

There's an elderly person (approx 60's) who I interact with and I'm having a couple of challenges with them because they constantly stand me up and also go beserk if I do anything along the lines of having reasonable boundaries. She's my landlord.

I have tried talking to them about it multiple times. I've said if you're never planning on doing it, please tell me so I don't cancel my plans every day for a week waiting for you. If something comes up and you have to cancel please let me know so I can salvage what is left of my day.

She's made zero effort to be considerate of the massive chunks of my life she is wasting.

I don't like not being there when she gets into my apartment because she tends not to lock up and has already let people steal irreplaceable items by doing that. She also goes through my personal belongings and just generally acts controlling. (Apparently she went through my trash at least once and I left her alone for about 10 seconds before and she was snooping through something else, but the local oversight doesn't care because they're buddies.)

Is she hopeless? Is it really an "elderly people can't change" thing? Is that even true? (I'd hope not.)
She's not bad in all ways, but these things are issues.

(She also seems to "punish" me for boundaries by wasting more days of my life.)

 

[the_tortoise]

Focus on her character and her behaviour not her age. Some people can't change, of all ages. Some people are jerks, of all ages. If she is hopeless it has nothing to do with her age. Her age is not a variable in this equation, making it a variable does both of you a disservice -- yourself because it adds useless complication to your decision making, her because it is ageist
and discriminatory.

 

[Judge]

There's an elderly person (approx 60's) who I interact with and I'm having a couple of challenges with them because they constantly stand me up and also go beserk if I do anything along the lines of having reasonable boundaries. She's my landlord.

I have tried talking to them about it multiple times. I've said if you're never planning on doing it, please tell me so I don't cancel my plans every day for a week waiting for you. If something comes up and you have to cancel please let me know so I can salvage what is left of my day.

She's made zero effort to be considerate of the massive chunks of my life she is wasting.

I don't like not being there when she gets into my apartment because she tends not to lock up and has already let people steal irreplaceable items by doing that. She also goes through my personal belongings and just generally acts controlling. (Apparently she went through my trash at least once and I left her alone for about 10 seconds before and she was snooping through something else, but the local oversight doesn't care because they're buddies.)

Is she hopeless? Is it really an "elderly people can't change" thing? Is that even true? (I'd hope not.)
She's not bad in all ways, but these things are issues.

(She also seems to "punish" me for boundaries by wasting more days of my life.)

Forget age. Forget courtesy. Forget trust too, unless you reside there for a few decades.

This is about you as a tenant and her as your landlord. No doubt in a realm where rent control doesn't exist. That she has a classic form of leverage over you, and as some unfortunately do, they may make the most of it. Particularly if they have had issues with prior tenants.

This is about their power and their fear- not age at all. Good reason to review your rental/lease terms just to see how much in a contractual sense your landlord has control over their tenants. In most cases you'll likely find yourself at a fundamental and legal disadvantage by design.

 

[Fredan]

Ironic, I find it's usually the younger generation that is like that, and older people tend to let you know if they can't make it, and try to be on time, etc.

 

[velociraptor]

Is it really an "elderly people can't change" thing?

Maybe not the dumb ones. I'm 57 and I've spent the last year turning my life upside down and both learning and doing new things. I don't see any reason to dial it back.

 

[Poppy98]

Ironic, I find it's usually the younger generation that is like that, and older people tend to let you know if they can't make it, and try to be on time, etc.

Yeah, I could see that. It takes a while to get some of those looking-ahead skills down.

 

[Poppy98]

Maybe not the dumb ones. I'm 57 and I've spent the last year turning my life upside down and both learning and doing new things. I don't see any reason to dial it back.

Sounds like a happier way to live tbh. I don't really think this person is dumb...I think wasting my day doesn't cause them any problems and I'm stuck with whatever stuff they do next.

 

[Poppy98]

That she has a classic form of leverage over you, and as some unfortunately do, they may make the most of it. Particularly if they have had issues with prior tenants.

I have noticed that when people pull her strings (control her/get her to do things) she's more likely to do weird controlling things to me (maybe to make herself feel like she's more in control because apparently everyone agrees I'm the easiest to push around).

In most cases you'll likely find yourself at a fundamental and legal disadvantage by design.

Pretty much.

This is about their power and their fear

I somewhat understand being a snoop as a landlord, but what is the point in having me waste days at a time for her to come in to verify that the toilet is in fact running and other dumb things. It's a cheap fix she can do herself and it will help save her money. She's pretty unreliable.

Is there a solution from this? I guess there's the option of live in squalor and don't report issues. I guess that might be the goal.

 

[Judge]

Is there a solution from this? I guess there's the option of live in squalor and don't report issues. I guess that might be the goal.

Doesn't seem likely, short of moving. Which you know is a curse unto itself. At least that's how I feel about it. If you're living with relatively low rents, you're probably going to have to deal with nosy landlords who don't trust any of their tenants. Especially if they have dealt with high turnover.

Did your lease/rent involve not having to provide a credit report or bank statement ? If not, it may be just another scenario to a landlord where they think they're entitled to treat a tenant more like a indentured servant.

Plumbing is one thing I don't attempt to improvise much with. Where it's instantly a $100 charge for a clogged toilet that management puts on my monthly lease statement. If something mechanical malfunctions, then they usually schedule a worker to come to fix it at no charge. Usually in no more than 48 hours. But then this is a corporate complex I live in. Not cheap.

 

[Hypnalis]

I have noticed that when people pull her strings (control her/get her to do things) she's more likely to do weird controlling things to me (maybe to make herself feel like she's more in control because apparently everyone agrees I'm the easiest to push around).

I somewhat understand being a snoop as a landlord, but what is the point in having me waste days at a time for her to come in to verify that the toilet is in fact running and other dumb things. It's a cheap fix she can do herself and it will help save her money. She's pretty unreliable.

Is there a solution from this? I guess there's the option of live in squalor and don't report issues. I guess that might be the goal.

It seems you suspect her of playing dominance games targeting you, along with various other low-level anti-social behaviors.

But
(a) AFAIK you haven't described anywhere on AF your situation accurately enough to provide context-specific advice
(b) You're implying it's impossible to apply any disruptive techniques at all - possibly because she's in a position of power over you.

So a scenario:
Landlord is lazy and cheap, doesn't want to fix things, but has legal obligations to maintain your dwelling to some minimum standard. She avoids action by never being available.

Step one (which should be obvious): Document everything in an obvious way. email is good, but buy a printer or take a PDF to a print shop if you must.
You don't want to take her to court, but this is preparation. With enough evidence in place you'll be able to affect the power imbalance.

Step two: Knock on her door rather than wait for her to come to you. Be polite but insistent. If she's not available on time, document that too (one copy for you, one for her).

Is that useful in context? I have no idea, because I don't know your actual situation, and forum descriptions are rarely complete or entirely accurate.

But the approach of controlling (or at least influencing) the initiative is widely applicable, and should always be considered early in a conflict, even a soft one like this.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

There's an elderly person (approx 60's) who I interact with and I'm having a couple of challenges with them because they constantly stand me up and also go beserk if I do anything along the lines of having reasonable boundaries. She's my landlord.

I have tried talking to them about it multiple times. I've said if you're never planning on doing it, please tell me so I don't cancel my plans every day for a week waiting for you. If something comes up and you have to cancel please let me know so I can salvage what is left of my day.

She's made zero effort to be considerate of the massive chunks of my life she is wasting.

I don't like not being there when she gets into my apartment because she tends not to lock up and has already let people steal irreplaceable items by doing that. She also goes through my personal belongings and just generally acts controlling. (Apparently she went through my trash at least once and I left her alone for about 10 seconds before and she was snooping through something else, but the local oversight doesn't care because they're buddies.)

Is she hopeless? Is it really an "elderly people can't change" thing? Is that even true? (I'd hope not.)
She's not bad in all ways, but these things are issues.

(She also seems to "punish" me for boundaries by wasting more days of my life.)

There are invasion of privacy laws. She cannot be in your apartment unless you specifically give her permission and/or you are there in the apartment... and she is invited in. She could very well be arrested. She may own the property, but she cannot "invade" the apartment, nor touch any of your belongings. It's an overreach on her part that frankly, she might not understand.

I would review your lease contract and also query the local and state ordinances in this regard. If it is illegal... you can call the police if she invades your home.

"Elderly people"... has ZERO to do with it. She's an individual who has a rather distorted assumption of her "rights" as a landlord.

 

[JayLapointe]

That has nothing to do with age. That is a bad landlord. Not sure what country you are in but there is a very likely chance she is breaking local laws.

In my own province in Canada a landlord has to give you at least 24 hours notice before entering your premises and can only do so with your permission. They can't simply go in when they want. It's different if you are just renting a room in someone's house but still, common curtesy.

If you've spoken with her before about these issues and she's unwilling to change, and it seems unwilling to even see the error in what she is doing I would suggest looking for a new place to live. Which I know is easier said than done.

Hang in there.

 

[Ken]

Rest assured, your landlord is not like that because she is "elderly". She is like that because she is like that. Probably has been all her life.

I had an aunt that was exactly like you describe and was always in trouble for it. She never changed. I would not expect your landlord to change or be reasonable. Would be great if she does, I just wouldn't count on it. My aunt was like that from before her teen years till she died.

Sorry you are stuck in this situation. Best to move, if that's possible.