Trying to understand role of identity for an Aspie

[Clio]

In my 6 year experience with Asperger friend I cannot say how many times he has teased and humiliated me in front of his wife and friends. Only he is a used. I do not react in front of them but upsets me greatly in private. Has done some great things for me and built up my self confidence also but I only have to do one thing wrong (wrong in his eyes) and am in trouble. He says I bring it on myself, but this is not so.

 

[mw2530]

I can't tell you how helpful this was to read. It really resonates with the situation and makes me understand my ex's sensitivity and inability to be at ease. The "blending" you're describing - he was doing with his one close friend and also his ex, which explains his sudden vanishing act when she moved away.

My ex ran away. He refuses to talk or write. It seems there's nothing I can do now to make him understand that I know he has AS and that I still care deeply for him. It's not that I think we should be together, I just worry about him and hope he's okay. If you have any advice, I'd be happy to hear it. Again, thank you so much for sharing your experience.

I don't know the full story, but to me there is two likely scenarios of what occurred. The first, he had some change in his life or stress that created an obsessive thought that pervasively interfered with other areas of life. I often get stuck on thoughts throughout everyday (they can be over the most trivial things). Usually I get past them, but they can always reinsert their ugly heads. But, there have been a few instances when the thought interfered for months or years. An example for me was when I was in high school and deciding between colleges. I wasn't sure which to choose, so this thought rented out a large portion of my brain for many many months until I made a decision. The thought certainly interfered with the ability to make relationships or maintain relationships outside of my immediate family. Also interfered with other things that I enjoyed doing.

The other possibility is that he was pushing himself to do things in order to relate and connect and spend time with you. It probably was exhausting for him even thought he probably didn't say anything. Relationships and social interaction is so exhausting fore me. Even social gatherings with my family or spending time with the few good friends that I have takes a lot of energy (although less so than if I don't know people very well). I need lots of down time or I become irritable. He probably was trying harder than you think.

Anyway, it could be something else, but it's likely that one or both of the above scenarios played a part. We aspies usually do pretty well on our own, so don't destroy your life by constantly worrying about how he is doing. I'm not sure you can do anything right now. Maybe let him have his space for awhile and write him in a few months w/out putting any pressure on him. Regardless, you are very empathetic for taking such initiative to try and understand what was going on in his head. I hope you don't blame yourself for things b/c you were likely doing your best with the information you had at the time.

This site has been very helpful in learning about myself and others experiences. Another helpful resource for me has been aspergersexperts.com. There are some free videos where they explain aspie behavior. Especially revealing is the deep in defense mode video and where they talk about the sensory funnel. In case you were interested in learning more.

 

[Bella Pines]

I'm still getting over him, and have a few questions for the Aspies here that have been on my mind in regards to my ex. I know everyone is different but hoping for more understanding of what he was going through (since he refuses to communicate). It's about identity. My ex was in a long relationship with a woman before he met me, and I noticed that a lot of the things I thought was his personality and part of his identity was actually the things she (who seems to be a very strong personality) was into. He kind of dressed like her favorite celebrity and cared about her interests and hobbies. When we started dating, he was still keeping up all that, which made me wonder about him: who are you? What do you like, and what makes you feel good, that isn't just imitating what other people around you do, know, and like?

Ouch. Yes, it's almost a sore spot to recall but yes I did this. 20 years ago at uni, but yes I imitated anything and everything.

Ultimately my brain functioned very differently, I was logical, rational, I spotted patterns in everything, I watched from the outside. I'm always the first to point out when people are being brainwashed or behaving like sheep. Sadly that means I never fit in and never make friends.

As an insecure teenager, I didn't understand any of this. So I would study people, note tiny things like the posters they had in their rooms, the music they listened to, and become what they needed me to become. Whether that was dying my hair blonde, or dying my hair black and wearing chinese dresses, I would make myself into "a type" to catch a boyfriend. Of course it was never me, unfortunately I'm not chinese and will never by chinese! So it never lasted. There's only so long you can keep that kind of charade up.

I didn't even know I was doing it. But the more comfortable I became with myself, the less I felt I needed to be something else to fit it, well, actually, the less I needed/wanted to fit in.

The question of identity is riveting to me, for all people, NTs or Aspies or really, anyone. It brings up interesting questions. What makes a person? How do we define ourselves? Are we what we do (actions), how we feel, our jobs, interests, experiences, or an amalgam of it all? Are we living up to the expectations of others or following our own paths and hearts? Are we entirely shaped by our surroundings and the way we were raised or biologically destined at birth to be a certain way (nature vs. nurture)?

Yeah, you're probably venturing into college philosophy here! Maybe Descartes or Byron can help?

 

[Strong and kind]

I am one who loves deep conversation and to ponder on complicated questions.

Before I respond to your ex's behaviour, just to say, that who we are, as individuals, so shaped from mostly our childhood ie how our parents played things out. Mixed in, is our own personality that makes us an individual. We are molded by what occured in childhood and then, we, in effect, remold ourselves. NT's defintely have the unspoken ability to just get on with things. I encounter this often.

Your ex panicked. He imagined that telling you he is an aspie, caused him to freak out; expecting all kinds of horrors, which is actually a really good sign, because it means that you have touched his heart.

I have to say that for an NT, you are very eloquent with words! When one is faced with unknown situations, they have to compensate and you mention he was a particular aspie, who has no facial expressions, which means that in order to feel accepted, he mimics. I have done this in a very minor way; more to do with facial expressions and body movements. I actually felt I was that person.

What you need to do, is contact him and tell him that you are not put off by him revealing himself and want to be his friend. I think he falls back towards his ex, because she is his "comfort zone". He is too frightened to "stand alone", unless another woman comes along as can superimpose her goodness on to him, so in effect, swapping hosts!

My husband complains that he has emotions that need to be met by me, but what he fails to realise is that every single day, I have a flood of emotions, that I find hard to get a grip on, so actually, I need a strong man who can "carry" me through, and not demand that I give back. In other words: one has to be unselfish when in a relationship with an aspie, otherwise, they will feel: what about me and my emotions!

I just re-read this and realized I never responded to your wise words. I have tried to contact him again, after giving him time and space. I never brought up the AS again though, so maybe I should. He doesn't respond to phone messages or texts, but he hasn't blocked me. I sent him something for his birthday that I know he must have really liked, but no, nothing. No word. At this point, I'm worried. He told me several times he was depressed and anxious, and one time when he came to visit me he even said "don't worry, I'm not suicidal". I'm focusing on myself right now, because no matter how much I miss him, it clearly doesn't change anything. I may write him an actual letter and say something like: "I know a lot about Aspbergers and I know everyone's different, and I care deeply for you exactly as you are, even though you may feel like I don't know you. I will always be your friend and here for you." I was not selfish in our relationship; on the contrary, I gave a lot and was really nurturing and patient. I understand that as an Aspie he's not being mean by effectively "ghosting" me; he just doesn't know what to say or do – or he has just closed the book on our story and is able to do that because he isn't capable of realizing how painful his abrupt ending was for me. That's the essence of 'theory of mind", right? So, with that logic, I feel only compassion and love for this person I cannot reach... Thanks again for your support.