Trying to understand role of identity for an Aspie

[Strong and kind]

I wrote here about a month ago when my ex broke up with me. He revealed he had AS and then had a meltdown and ran away, leaving me crying and upset. I tried to talk to him about what had happened but never got the chance to address the AS because he broke up with me a month later (we live in different cities). I wanted to talk to him face to face; all I got was a text message and a chaotic phone conversation. It's been a very rough month.

Anyway, I got so much support here, and deeper understanding, and am very grateful for that.

I'm still getting over him, and have a few questions for the Aspies here that have been on my mind in regards to my ex. I know everyone is different but hoping for more understanding of what he was going through (since he refuses to communicate). It's about identity. My ex was in a long relationship with a woman before he met me, and I noticed that a lot of the things I thought was his personality and part of his identity was actually the things she (who seems to be a very strong personality) was into. He kind of dressed like her favorite celebrity and cared about her interests and hobbies. When we started dating, he was still keeping up all that, which made me wonder about him: who are you? What do you like, and what makes you feel good, that isn't just imitating what other people around you do, know, and like? When his ex moved far away recently, is when he broke up with me, as if he'd been keeping up some kind of show for me with her in the background as an "identity stabilizer" or something.

The question of identity is riveting to me, for all people, NTs or Aspies or really, anyone. It brings up interesting questions. What makes a person? How do we define ourselves? Are we what we do (actions), how we feel, our jobs, interests, experiences, or an amalgam of it all? Are we living up to the expectations of others or following our own paths and hearts? Are we entirely shaped by our surroundings and the way we were raised or biologically destined at birth to be a certain way (nature vs. nurture)?

I'm not sure I have any answers to all this. What I know is that I loved this man because of his extreme sensitivity and awareness to the world around us. He was quiet, hard working, beautiful, and different. I loved that he wasn't "normal" and conventional; his quirks and lack of facial expressions struck me as honest and intriguing.

I wonder if any Aspies here can relate to the identity / personality thing. It seems to me that my ex tried to show love (or be loved) by taking on the interests of his ex, which to me is quite different than sharing interests. In relation to me, he happily ate the foods I made (and I'm a great cook) but also seemed reluctant to share his own likes - as if I wouldn't like him if it turned out he'd rather eat simpler, or lighter. Another example is that I changed something drastic about my appearance and a few weeks later, he did the same, but in a more subtle way (although the same thing).

Why do we love people? Because we share experiences together? Make each other feel good? Support each other through difficult times? Accept each other as we are? How do we know others, and ourselves? Love can be so many different things to different people, and we all need different things. I feel like I never got the chance to understand who my ex was and what his needs were. Would my needs have changed if he'd told me from the get-go that he had AS? No, but it would have made it easier for me to understand him and avoid misunderstandings. It would also have made it easier for me to adjust my expectations because I would understand that his struggles are different than mine because we are wired differently. Also, it seems to me that having a meltdown can be so, so painful and hard; at least it was for him, it was like he changed into a different person and afterwards was full of shame and exhaustion. If I had known that he had AS I would have made sure to check in with him in a different way regarding potentially overwhelming trigger situations - helped him avoid them and also provided space for him to reset without damaging our relationship. However, he knows himself best, and could also have made sure to keep himself "safer" by not overtaxing himself. Which he didn't. The meltdowns shocked me, made me feel like I couldn't reach him. Any type of communication input collapsed; it was only a destructive verbal outpouring from him followed by shutdown, muteness, and flight.

So, after all this, what was my question? Well, I guess it comes back to wanting to understand why he didn't feel safe to be himself (without showing off all these personality attributes that now seem "borrowed" from a few people in his life). The reasons I loved him weren't related to those anyway. I loved him for those mysterious subjective reasons that just sound vague and general when we try to describe them to others. He showed care in concrete ways. He was vulnerable. He was sensual in an unusual way. He made me laugh. He let me enjoy his body without the set roles that I've encountered with other men. He paid attention and was present. I loved his smell and his voice and his stories. Now he has vanished and I will never understand what he was going through.

I am impressed by the community here, the support and understanding. Thank you in advance for any insights or thoughts. Sending light and peace to you all.

 

[Streetwise]

I wrote here about a month ago when my ex broke up with me. He revealed he had AS and then had a meltdown and ran away, leaving me crying and upset. I tried to talk to him about what had happened but never got the chance to address the AS because he broke up with me a month later (we live in different cities). I wanted to talk to him face to face; all I got was a text message and a chaotic phone conversation. It's been a very rough month.

Anyway, I got so much support here, and deeper understanding, and am very grateful for that.

I'm still getting over him, and have a few questions for the Aspies here that have been on my mind in regards to my ex. I know everyone is different but hoping for more understanding of what he was going through (since he refuses to communicate). It's about identity. My ex was in a long relationship with a woman before he met me, and I noticed that a lot of the things I thought was his personality and part of his identity was actually the things she (who seems to be a very strong personality) was into. He kind of dressed like her favorite celebrity and cared about her interests and hobbies. When we started dating, he was still keeping up all that, which made me wonder about him: who are you? What do you like, and what makes you feel good, that isn't just imitating what other people around you do, know, and like? When his ex moved far away recently, is when he broke up with me, as if he'd been keeping up some kind of show for me with her in the background as an "identity stabilizer" or something.

The question of identity is riveting to me, for all people, NTs or Aspies or really, anyone. It brings up interesting questions. What makes a person? How do we define ourselves? Are we what we do (actions), how we feel, our jobs, interests, experiences, or an amalgam of it all? Are we living up to the expectations of others or following our own paths and hearts? Are we entirely shaped by our surroundings and the way we were raised or biologically destined at birth to be a certain way (nature vs. nurture)?

I'm not sure I have any answers to all this. What I know is that I loved this man because of his extreme sensitivity and awareness to the world around us. He was quiet, hard working, beautiful, and different. I loved that he wasn't "normal" and conventional; his quirks and lack of facial expressions struck me as honest and intriguing.

I wonder if any Aspies here can relate to the identity / personality thing. It seems to me that my ex tried to show love (or be loved) by taking on the interests of his ex, which to me is quite different than sharing interests. In relation to me, he happily ate the foods I made (and I'm a great cook) but also seemed reluctant to share his own likes - as if I wouldn't like him if it turned out he'd rather eat simpler, or lighter. Another example is that I changed something drastic about my appearance and a few weeks later, he did the same, but in a more subtle way (although the same thing).

Why do we love people? Because we share experiences together? Make each other feel good? Support each other through difficult times? Accept each other as we are? How do we know others, and ourselves? Love can be so many different things to different people, and we all need different things. I feel like I never got the chance to understand who my ex was and what his needs were. Would my needs have changed if he'd told me from the get-go that he had AS? No, but it would have made it easier for me to understand him and avoid misunderstandings. It would also have made it easier for me to adjust my expectations because I would understand that his struggles are different than mine because we are wired differently. Also, it seems to me that having a meltdown can be so, so painful and hard; at least it was for him, it was like he changed into a different person and afterwards was full of shame and exhaustion. If I had known that he had AS I would have made sure to check in with him in a different way regarding potentially overwhelming trigger situations - helped him avoid them and also provided space for him to reset without damaging our relationship. However, he knows himself best, and could also have made sure to keep himself "safer" by not overtaxing himself. Which he didn't. The meltdowns shocked me, made me feel like I couldn't reach him. Any type of communication input collapsed; it was only a destructive verbal outpouring from him followed by shutdown, muteness, and flight.

So, after all this, what was my question? Well, I guess it comes back to wanting to understand why he didn't feel safe to be himself (without showing off all these personality attributes that now seemed "borrowed" from a few people in his life). The reasons I loved him weren't related to those anyway. I loved him for those mysterious subjective reasons that just sound vague and general when we try to describe them. He showed care in concrete ways. He was vulnerable. He was sensual in an unusual way. He made me laugh. He let me enjoy his body without the set roles that I've encountered with other men. He paid attention and was present. I loved his smell and his voice and his stories. Now he has vanished and I will never understand what he was going through.

I am impressed by the community here, the support and understanding. Thank you in advance for any insights or thoughts. Sending light and peace to you all.

i think we are insecure and its pervasive we dislike the slightest change and are always exhausted
i personally cant be a knight in shining armour IM too disordered to be a support to someone emotionally but IM an individual and dont know all your personal intimate thoughts so your relationship is not familiar to me i know for me IM still looking for the security my mother gave me other relationships are too taxing for me i cope by avoiding what frightens me a large amount of any given day my psyche is very fragile like an orchid i need exact conditions constantly

 

[Strong and kind]

Thank you for your perspective, it's helpful.

 

[Kyn]

This is a thread I will definitely be paying attention to. My situation isn't totally the same (we're still together), but it's a rough road and I so, so badly want to better understand my aspie SO.

 

[mw2530]

I'll speak my my personal experience, but my experiences may or may not be reflective of others with ASD. I've never been in a relationship, but have had many different roommates during college and then for a few years after college. I found that when I lived with others, that my identity would begin to "blend" with my roommates who were also very good friends of mine (the blending would not take place with roommates who I wasn't that close with). I would hang out with the same group of friends, take on similar interests and opinions. I guess you could say I'm fairly agreeable. This individual was my connection to the rest of the world in some ways and my primary social circle was really the friends he would make. I'd latch on and and use him in a way b/c I did not have the social agility or energy or even desire to go out and make other friends on my own. I don't think I could see this at the time, but now looking back it is a little more obvious. These roommate friendships were made possible by a common interest (special interest for me) between me and the roommate. My identity was defined by my special interest. I had other interests too, but didn't often express them to others. I now live alone now which is better for the most part than having roommates.

I don't have the power socially to be my own person entirely when I am with others. I'm unable to express myself, or just am too uncomfortable doing so. I'm probably too afraid to see what would happen if I did. By not having much of an identity in the outside world, I protect myself from being hurt by the world. When I am alone though, I can simply be myself and not worry about it.

 

[mw2530]

I'll speak my my personal experience, but my experiences may or may not be reflective of others with ASD. I've never been in a relationship, but have had many different roommates during college and then for a few years after college. I found that when I lived with others, that my identity would begin to "blend" with my roommates who were also very good friends of mine (the blending would not take place with roommates who I wasn't that close with). I would hang out with the same group of friends, take on similar interests and opinions. I guess you could say I'm fairly agreeable. This individual was my connection to the rest of the world in some ways and my primary social circle was really the friends he would make. I'd latch on and and use him in a way b/c I did not have the social agility or energy or even desire to go out and make other friends on my own. I don't think I could see this at the time, but now looking back it is a little more obvious. These roommate friendships were made possible by a common interest (special interest for me) between me and the roommate. My identity was defined by my special interest. I had other interests too, but didn't often express them to others. I now live alone now which is better for the most part than having roommates.

I don't have the power socially to be my own person entirely when I am with others. I'm unable to express myself, or just am too uncomfortable doing so. I'm probably too afraid to see what would happen if I did. By not having much of an identity in the outside world, I protect myself from being hurt by the world. When I am alone though, I can simply be myself and not worry about it.

Of course, I think a similar situation can happen with anyone (similar social group, similar interests, etc) but to a lesser degree than for someone with ASD.

 

[wight]

which made me wonder about him: who are you? What do you like, and what makes you feel good, that isn't just imitating what other people around you do, know, and like?

What makes a person? How do we define ourselves? Are we what we do (actions), how we feel, our jobs, interests, experiences, or an amalgam of it all? Are we living up to the expectations of others or following our own paths and hearts? Are we entirely shaped by our surroundings and the way we were raised or biologically destined at birth to be a certain way (nature vs. nurture)?

Why do we love people? Because we share experiences together? Make each other feel good? Support each other through difficult times? Accept each other as we are? How do we know others, and ourselves?

I guess it comes back to wanting to understand why he didn't feel safe to be himself (without showing off all these personality attributes that now seem "borrowed" from a few people in his life).

Wow, not shy with the big questions. who am I? what makes me, me? can I truly know who someone else is?

These are questions that have multi-faceted answers. Scientific (physical and chemical processes in the brain), Psychological (experiences, emotions), Philosophical (am I more than the sum of my parts) that all are really descriptions of the same thing from different angles.

By analogy: If all you could could see and perceive was a single side of a 6 sides die. It would be a square with some dots, it would have colors, and a number of dots, and some other characteristics. But basically you would understand it as a square. I am on the exact opposite side, and also see a square, but it has a different number of dots. Does either of our perceptions mean that it is ONLY what we understand it to be? Obviously, this is where the analogy fails, because the answer is no.

However, if you examine something as complex as a person from a single perspective, you gain only a limited understanding. And by person I am including the self. So using myself, in attempting to answer the question of "who am i?" that answer has changed over time.

When I was a kid: I was my parents child, my siblings brother, the person that lived at a particular address.
When I was in my 20s: The answers was "I am what I do"
When I got married: I was a husband
etc.

All of these answers were correct and are still correct. So to a degree our identity is defined by our experiences, jobs, families, relationships, etc.

Recently, I began to gain some understanding of the brain, it's functions, regions, chemistry, etc. My understanding of how I process information and stimuli also became part of my identity. I am a person with AS.

When in college, I took a philosophy/ethics class, and I gained a lot of knowledge about and did a lot of thinking about things like consciousness and questions like, "what is a soul? do I have one? what does that mean?"

It is all of these things and more that create a person's personality and unique identity.

There is so much more to say but I think that this is a long enough post already.

 

[Maelstrom]

Hmm...I have never heard of a guy aspie mocking bird... girl aspies do it all the time.
Likely he didn't like it getting noticed...it is a social defense thing...copy if you don't know what to do.
I went a different direction crush them at their own game if I can, ignore them if I can't.
I despise the game tho.
I don't see hwy I can just be me...I am a nice me...it is not my fault everyone else wants conversations at a IQ level of 4?
I don't see why I have to pretend to be dumb to make them happy?

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

With regards to identity, this seems to be a very complex issue, so I will talk about several things.

We all have a certain genetic makeup that is supposed to help form who we are, but the environments we live in during our earlier years will change that destiny or our identity in certain ways. Think of the genes maybe as the seeds, and the environment as the water. If the environment is not conducive for growth, and thus the water is more like oil instead, then the genes can take us off course if we pour that oil onto those seeds or genes. Conversely, if the environment was very nurturing because of it being pure water, our identity thus could be more who we were destined to be, dependent on if more negative, positive or neutral genes were passed down.

Let's say an Aspie guy was destined to be an Aspie because of genetics. Well, if his home life was bad, too, with dominant parents, at first glance that would seem to suggest that person might want to perhaps be a follower instead of a leader and lack social self-esteem. So, that person might want to fit in to be liked, or want to please the other. But, if the home environment especially was nurturing, healthy and constructive, perhaps that Aspie guy could become a leader and stay true to his beliefs, and not try to be someone else.

This all is just my opinion of course as so many things come into play, as things can even happen at school and elsewhere to throw persons off course, in terms of who they become, and as some persons are born with lower stress and pain tolerance thresholds. Regarding the latter, those persons could either avoid confrontation, or want to cause confrontation. Thus, there is no easy answer regarding identity. And then we have to figure in, persons learn as they age, and persons can process the exact same thing differently. Genetics and environment shapes that.

It seems like many school aged children often want to be liked when they are those ages, and thus want to be similar acting as them, or to do things those others enjoy. But, then as they mature, many of the followers become leaders if they become wiser or stronger, and with less need to be liked. For instance, many young girls could either like cute, geeky or sensitive guys, if they had fears of abuse, or could relate to them, or others might want to be linked with a really popular, athletic, strong and handsome guy.

But, as those same girls grow, more might start thinking for themselves, if they mature faster, in terms of looking for a long term guy, but still others might cave in to societal expectations and want some tall, dark and handsome hard working guy, regardless if he is showing red flags.. As women age further, the ones who kept having bad relationship experiences may then start thinking for themselves again, but, again, depending on genetics and past environments, many still be stuck in their usual pattern.

The point of writing all that is it is nearly impossible to determine what one's identity is specifically shaped by, as even one time tragic events can shape someone's personality and interests. In your case, the easiest solution would be to say maybe he just lacked self-esteem, and was sensitive to criticism, and so was trying to please others to like their interests, but then had to leave both persons because of knowing if he kept doing that, the stress would mount as he would not be true to himself. Or in another case, he could have identity issues. He may not see himself as a leader or follower, but mixed, as he does not know who he is, or what he wants, and what he can handle. That is why he could be hard to predict, too. One minute he could seem in love, but the next out of love.

Or maybe it is not an identity issue at all. He knows what he wants at that time, and he feels he is in love at that time, so he shows that love by liking the things they like too, but when his feelings change about that person, as that love is gone, those interests that the other had are gone. Black and white thinking. But, in the opposite case, if he keeps those same interests as that other he left, it could be just a routine need, once he got into that habit. Maybe for Aspies, everything I said in this post could thus sometimes be thrown out the window, or discarded, as for them routines maybe do not necessarily show what they want, but what they need. But, that would imply one who has such routines is just being themself. NTs might think they are not, but really could be.

So, it is really impossible to get one answer, as numerous variables seem to be involved. Any number of things could have altered his identity, and what you see is his actual identity destined to be. He will change his interests and any identity of who he is, when it is the time for him, if that will ever be.

 

[Strong and kind]

I'll speak my my personal experience, but my experiences may or may not be reflective of others with ASD. I've never been in a relationship, but have had many different roommates during college and then for a few years after college. I found that when I lived with others, that my identity would begin to "blend" with my roommates who were also very good friends of mine (the blending would not take place with roommates who I wasn't that close with). I would hang out with the same group of friends, take on similar interests and opinions. I guess you could say I'm fairly agreeable. This individual was my connection to the rest of the world in some ways and my primary social circle was really the friends he would make. I'd latch on and and use him in a way b/c I did not have the social agility or energy or even desire to go out and make other friends on my own. I don't think I could see this at the time, but now looking back it is a little more obvious. These roommate friendships were made possible by a common interest (special interest for me) between me and the roommate. My identity was defined by my special interest. I had other interests too, but didn't often express them to others. I now live alone now which is better for the most part than having roommates.

I don't have the power socially to be my own person entirely when I am with others. I'm unable to express myself, or just am too uncomfortable doing so. I'm probably too afraid to see what would happen if I did. By not having much of an identity in the outside world, I protect myself from being hurt by the world. When I am alone though, I can simply be myself and not worry about it.

I can't tell you how helpful this was to read. It really resonates with the situation and makes me understand my ex's sensitivity and inability to be at ease. The "blending" you're describing - he was doing with his one close friend and also his ex, which explains his sudden vanishing act when she moved away.

My ex ran away. He refuses to talk or write. It seems there's nothing I can do now to make him understand that I know he has AS and that I still care deeply for him. It's not that I think we should be together, I just worry about him and hope he's okay. If you have any advice, I'd be happy to hear it. Again, thank you so much for sharing your experience.

 

[OlLiE]

what makes me happy: emotional neutrality, lack of sensory stimulation, lack of expectations

what wears me out: the opposite of above and playing a sociala role

To get to the point, my girlfriend is a value unto herself, she is a kind, patient, loving, supporting and caring individual who makes me feel good, and i enjoy trying to make her happy (it's a wonderful puzzle), she is a value i have chosen to invest in, so i accept that -with measure- i will have to endure some of the things that wear me out, to make her happy, this to a certain degree means aligning to her

she emotionally expresses love, whereas i express my love by understanding her, trying to adapt to her and make her happy, but is largely based on understanding (i.e. your friend adapting to his previous partner), i don't think that my expression love is any less valid than hers, but i would also find it incredibly daunting to have to go through the whole process again for another woman (i.e. your boyfriend still acting the way he did with his ex)

'imitation is the highest form of flattery', in sales i was taught that the easiest way to create a connection with someone was to mirror them (not exactly otherwise it seems too obvious and weird), copy the way they hold their arms, the way they sit, etc, his copying of you and others is maybe his way of showing that he wants to belong and that he trusts you as a benchmark to define how he should be to make you happy

 

[OlLiE]

Hmm...I have never heard of a guy aspie mocking bird... girl aspies do it all the time.
Likely he didn't like it getting noticed...it is a social defense thing...copy if you don't know what to do.
I went a different direction crush them at their own game if I can ignore them if I can't.
I despise the game tho.
I don't see hwy I can just be me...I am a nice me...it is not my fault everyone else wants conversations at a IQ level of 4?
I don't see why I have to pretend to be dumb to make them happy?

ultimately, if you want to be friends with and IQ4, then that's your choice, and then you will have to adapt to them, otherwise just don't talk to IQ4 and don't care about what they have to say
i only surround myself with people that allow me to be myself, everyone else can just piss off

 

[Maelstrom]

ultimately, if you want to be friends with and IQ4, then that's your choice, and then you will have to adapt to them, otherwise just don't talk to IQ4 and don't care about what they have to say
i only surround myself with people that allow me to be myself, everyone else can just piss off

I try to be nice and ask the usual questions about their work and family...but it is hard to never slip up and talk about science or social theory or whatever!
Once you slip up they get defensive and assume you will look down on them...which is not true I can listen them on their favorite cow or car if they wish?
People are like mine fields I guess it is hard to avoid the mines all the time when you don't have natural people reading instincts....I can do it if focused and not tired and not distracted by other people....but it is very tiring for me.

 

[OlLiE]

I try to be nice and ask the usual questions about their work and family...but it is hard to never slip up and talk about science or social theory or whatever!
Once you slip up they get defensive and assume you will look down on them...which is not true I can listen them on their favorite cow or car if they wish?
People are like mine fields I guess it is hard to avoid the mines all the time when you don't have natural people reading instincts....I can do it if focused and not tired and not distracted by other people....but it is very tiring for me.

i know the feeling, i also find it exhausting, so i only do it if there is a clear benefit for me,
i just stay away from mines and don't try to engage them
the downside is that people have commented that i'm manipulative and use people :-(

 

[Suzanne]

I am one who loves deep conversation and to ponder on complicated questions.

Before I respond to your ex's behaviour, just to say, that who we are, as individuals, so shaped from mostly our childhood ie how our parents played things out. Mixed in, is our own personality that makes us an individual. We are molded by what occured in childhood and then, we, in effect, remold ourselves. NT's defintely have the unspoken ability to just get on with things. I encounter this often.

Your ex panicked. He imagined that telling you he is an aspie, caused him to freak out; expecting all kinds of horrors, which is actually a really good sign, because it means that you have touched his heart.

I have to say that for an NT, you are very eloquent with words! When one is faced with unknown situations, they have to compensate and you mention he was a particular aspie, who has no facial expressions, which means that in order to feel accepted, he mimics. I have done this in a very minor way; more to do with facial expressions and body movements. I actually felt I was that person.

What you need to do, is contact him and tell him that you are not put off by him revealing himself and want to be his friend. I think he falls back towards his ex, because she is his "comfort zone". He is too frightened to "stand alone", unless another woman comes along as can superimpose her goodness on to him, so in effect, swapping hosts!

My husband complains that he has emotions that need to be met by me, but what he fails to realise is that every single day, I have a flood of emotions, that I find hard to get a grip on, so actually, I need a strong man who can "carry" me through, and not demand that I give back. In other words: one has to be unselfish when in a relationship with an aspie, otherwise, they will feel: what about me and my emotions!

 

[Momo]

I am quite comfortable to be myself around people (it doesn't win me many friends, but I say bah to them!) I'll dresss how I like, even though I make a lot of my clothes and they're boarderline cosplay, I speak a bit weirdly, but I like to think it makes me smexier (obviously), and I don't really give a damn about what people think of my opinions, no matter how unorthodox. Then again, this may have a lot to do with my upbringing, as the only white chick in my Chinese class I wasn't going to win any favours. Heck! People would spit at me and say "Gweilo" (white demon) often, and my father basically disowned me because I wouldn't play the role of surrogate wife anymore, as well as losing the woman I thought of as my second mother at the age of 9 (I was closer to the maid than my own dad). So be it. I still have my smexy out of place Hongker accent

 

[Ylva]

When you have grown up never being allowed to be yourself you have to compensate somehow. My parents always urged me to be like the other kids, and as an adult I have had to accept the fact that I will never be who and what I really was and would have been. It really pissed me off when I realized it, but four years of clarity have taken the edge off somewhat. At least I don't do the overly sweet act anymore, as I realized literally two hours ago when I didn't smile or lilt my voice at the cashier.

As I have come to understand it, allistic identity is a collection of labels. It's weird to think about, because when someone says something like, "I'm twenty-four, blonde, a mother and housewife", I just hear a description, not an identity. Maybe I have become numb to that sort of thing, or maybe it is part of the social perception thing that works oddly in my brain. Sure, I have adjectives, but I don't care about them. The only part of my "identity" I care about is that people call me by the name I choose. I never could bring myself to answer to nicknames, and I didn't even keep my birth name.

So I don't know if any of that applies to your ex. What I hear you asking, though, is whether he defines himself by his ex somehow, and that is interesting to me. My "ex" (it was complicated but let's just call him that) when I "broke up" with him (it was complicated but let's just call it that) he stayed in my head for nearly a year. Does your brain do that thing where it keeps a version of each person that matters in your life on file so you can consult it? I'm not convinced it's an aspie thing. I spent a long time persuading my brain to let him go (although he is not one with the wind and sky) and that his advice, real or imagined, was no longer desired. People I care about stick to my brain like a naggy pop song.

 

[Mia]

You've asked many questions, but I'll answer only one. Why your ex had so many similarities to his ex girlfriend. My now husband did the same thing for many years. He liked what I liked, he dressed in clothing I liked, he ate food that I liked. He even seemed to agree with my view of the world, my politics, my ideas.

He was like that for the first ten or so years of our marriage. Then with encouragement, he began to express his real thoughts. He matured much later than men of his age, probably why I found that so attractive, as he was in no way typical. Forming his opinions later in life, realizing what he wanted. He's described himself many times as a 'late bloomer.' And so was I, and very similar in that way. Emotionally I didn't mature for a long time. Although, in the regular world it seems somehow more acceptable in females than in males. Lauded for being cute, emotional, soft-hearted. Many men hide those aspects of self, so they won't be bullied by society.

Aspie men, at least the few that I know of my generation, are often the strong, silent types. And I used to ask myself why did he pretend? Act? Agree? Aspies can be mimics, chameleons, to fit in, to be loved by others. He somehow thought who he is, was unacceptable. Perhaps he had experiences that led him to realize this, and formed these opinions early on. Eventually he realized that I could accept who he really is, although it took many, many years for him to discover himself.

 

[pandora]

I am one who loves deep conversation and to ponder on complicated questions.

Before I respond to your ex's behaviour, just to say, that who we are, as individuals, so shaped from mostly our childhood ie how our parents played things out. Mixed in, is our own personality that makes us an individual. We are molded by what occured in childhood and then, we, in effect, remold ourselves. NT's defintely have the unspoken ability to just get on with things. I encounter this often.

Your ex panicked. He imagined that telling you he is an aspie, caused him to freak out; expecting all kinds of horrors, which is actually a really good sign, because it means that you have touched his heart.

I have to say that for an NT, you are very eloquent with words! When one is faced with unknown situations, they have to compensate and you mention he was a particular aspie, who has no facial expressions, which means that in order to feel accepted, he mimics. I have done this in a very minor way; more to do with facial expressions and body movements. I actually felt I was that person.

What you need to do, is contact him and tell him that you are not put off by him revealing himself and want to be his friend. I think he falls back towards his ex, because she is his "comfort zone". He is too frightened to "stand alone", unless another woman comes along as can superimpose her goodness on to him, so in effect, swapping hosts!

My husband complains that he has emotions that need to be met by me, but what he fails to realise is that every single day, I have a flood of emotions, that I find hard to get a grip on, so actually, I need a strong man who can "carry" me through, and not demand that I give back. In other words: one has to be unselfish when in a relationship with an aspie, otherwise, they will feel: what about me and my emotions!

"every single day, I have a flood of emotions, that I find hard to get a grip on, so actually, I need a strong man who can "carry" me through, and not demand that I give back."
This really resonates with me. I didn't fully understand it before but I think this a big part of why I was so attracted to my Aspie boyfriend.

 

[Clio]

I wrote here about a month ago when my ex broke up with me. He revealed he had AS and then had a meltdown and ran away, leaving me crying and upset. I tried to talk to him about what had happened but never got the chance to address the AS because he broke up with me a month later (we live in different cities). I wanted to talk to him face to face; all I got was a text message and a chaotic phone conversation. It's been a very rough month.

Anyway, I got so much support here, and deeper understanding, and am very grateful for that.

I'm still getting over him, and have a few questions for the Aspies here that have been on my mind in regards to my ex. I know everyone is different but hoping for more understanding of what he was going through (since he refuses to communicate). It's about identity. My ex was in a long relationship with a woman before he met me, and I noticed that a lot of the things I thought was his personality and part of his identity was actually the things she (who seems to be a very strong personality) was into. He kind of dressed like her favorite celebrity and cared about her interests and hobbies. When we started dating, he was still keeping up all that, which made me wonder about him: who are you? What do you like, and what makes you feel good, that isn't just imitating what other people around you do, know, and like? When his ex moved far away recently, is when he broke up with me, as if he'd been keeping up some kind of show for me with her in the background as an "identity stabilizer" or something.

The question of identity is riveting to me, for all people, NTs or Aspies or really, anyone. It brings up interesting questions. What makes a person? How do we define ourselves? Are we what we do (actions), how we feel, our jobs, interests, experiences, or an amalgam of it all? Are we living up to the expectations of others or following our own paths and hearts? Are we entirely shaped by our surroundings and the way we were raised or biologically destined at birth to be a certain way (nature vs. nurture)?

I'm not sure I have any answers to all this. What I know is that I loved this man because of his extreme sensitivity and awareness to the world around us. He was quiet, hard working, beautiful, and different. I loved that he wasn't "normal" and conventional; his quirks and lack of facial expressions struck me as honest and intriguing.

I wonder if any Aspies here can relate to the identity / personality thing. It seems to me that my ex tried to show love (or be loved) by taking on the interests of his ex, which to me is quite different than sharing interests. In relation to me, he happily ate the foods I made (and I'm a great cook) but also seemed reluctant to share his own likes - as if I wouldn't like him if it turned out he'd rather eat simpler, or lighter. Another example is that I changed something drastic about my appearance and a few weeks later, he did the same, but in a more subtle way (although the same thing).

Why do we love people? Because we share experiences together? Make each other feel good? Support each other through difficult times? Accept each other as we are? How do we know others, and ourselves? Love can be so many different things to different people, and we all need different things. I feel like I never got the chance to understand who my ex was and what his needs were. Would my needs have changed if he'd told me from the get-go that he had AS? No, but it would have made it easier for me to understand him and avoid misunderstandings. It would also have made it easier for me to adjust my expectations because I would understand that his struggles are different than mine because we are wired differently. Also, it seems to me that having a meltdown can be so, so painful and hard; at least it was for him, it was like he changed into a different person and afterwards was full of shame and exhaustion. If I had known that he had AS I would have made sure to check in with him in a different way regarding potentially overwhelming trigger situations - helped him avoid them and also provided space for him to reset without damaging our relationship. However, he knows himself best, and could also have made sure to keep himself "safer" by not overtaxing himself. Which he didn't. The meltdowns shocked me, made me feel like I couldn't reach him. Any type of communication input collapsed; it was only a destructive verbal outpouring from him followed by shutdown, muteness, and flight.

So, after all this, what was my question? Well, I guess it comes back to wanting to understand why he didn't feel safe to be himself (without showing off all these personality attributes that now seem "borrowed" from a few people in his life). The reasons I loved him weren't related to those anyway. I loved him for those mysterious subjective reasons that just sound vague and general when we try to describe them to others. He showed care in concrete ways. He was vulnerable. He was sensual in an unusual way. He made me laugh. He let me enjoy his body without the set roles that I've encountered with other men. He paid attention and was present. I loved his smell and his voice and his stories. Now he has vanished and I will never understand what he was going through.

I am impressed by the community here, the support and understanding. Thank you in advance for any insights or thoughts. Sending light and peace to you all.