"True self" aspie style

[Cosmophylla]

Absolutely. Yet in my own case it has always made me feel like a fraud at heart.

I didn't fit in. I just made myself appear as such....so only a certain degree. Enough not to stand out when possible.

But I'm still me. The guy who never quite fit in anywhere.

I think if I were to be in my completely authentic, natural state, I would be essentially non-interactive. And you can't communicate love for someone by shutting down all the time and never interacting with them. So every conversation requires at least some level of pretending and masking. I don't know how to get around this.

This is me too. I have spent all of my life trying to fit myself into the NT box that I never let myself figure out who I am.

When I wrote my response early in this thread I said the masks, the pretending, is me. It was a simplistic reply, but it is the truth. Underneath the masks, the politeness, the feigning interest in others' lives, I am a deep thinker, analytical, frightened, creative child-but-not-child. But on top of the masks, I know I appear different. I don't do it to hurt others, even as I despise fakery and trickery. There is an irony here that I've never been able to articulate.

I see that others share that feeling, and I've posted a few of those resounding words above. There is such pain felt by those of us who feel inauthentic by "pretending to fit"...

And yet... If we could just accept it! If we could just accept that the pretending to fit in, the "faking it until you make it", is an integral part of our selves... It's survival, it's creating harmony, it's fostering relationships. It may not be the way NTs do it, but who says you have to live the same as everyone else? You can have your own style, you can do it your way.

Autism acceptance month is nigh.

Let's accept ourselves first.

 

[DogwoodTree]

And yet... If we could just accept it! If we could just accept that the pretending to fit in, the "faking it until you make it", is an integral part of our selves... It's survival, it's creating harmony, it's fostering relationships. It may not be the way NTs do it, but who says you have to live the same as everyone else? You can have your own style, you can do it your way.

I've been thinking along these lines lately, too. I'm trying to prioritize being healthy over being something akin to "normal." I'm still working out what that means in reality, though.

For me, the disconnect is kinda like...say there's a large container that represents my inner world. The reality inside is full of swirly, squiggly images that represent thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. There's not direct connection between the inner world and the outer world, so on the outside I try to build representations of these internal structures so that people can see what I'm thinking and feeling. Problem is, in the outer world, there are only straight lines to work with. I do my best to build accurate representations, but it's a geometrically impossible feat. So every representation is, by necessity, inaccurate and "fake."

It seems that with NTs, their feelings are able to flow directly from inside to outside. Maybe they don't even have much volume stored inside even...maybe it's mostly on the outside, I don't know. When they cry, it's their actual sadness flowing. When they hug, it's their actual love. When they smile, it's their actual joy. But my sadness, my love, my joy...they're all locked inside. I do feel them, very much so. But there's no direct expression of them on the outside. I have to "portray" them somehow...build replicas of those things that I feel, like a puppet on the outside.

If I don't build the outer representations of what I feel, then there is no expression of my feelings, even though those feelings are most definitely real on the inside.

 

[Cosmophylla]

For me, the disconnect is kinda like...say there's a large container that represents my inner world. The reality inside is full of swirly, squiggly images that represent thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. There's not direct connection between the inner world and the outer world, so on the outside I try to build representations of these internal structures so that people can see what I'm thinking and feeling. Problem is, in the outer world, there are only straight lines to work with. I do my best to build accurate representations, but it's a geometrically impossible feat. So every representation is, by necessity, inaccurate and "fake."

I understand this completely and I feel the same... But I also feel that although it is a kind of fabrication, it could also be said that language is a fabrication that we use to convey thoughts and emotions. The way we "speak" our emotions to others could simply be seen as a different language. Anyone who speaks more than one language knows that there are some things that just can't be directly translated because they have different cultural significance from one place to another. (Google translate reflects this... The syntax is always garbled because it tries to translate word for word without taking grammar into account.)

I, too, have that feeling of being separated from the world outside. And in my case there are many situations where the inner emotions come out in ways that are unexpected by most people. I think it's because I just can't control them without suppressing them entirely. So anything that touches my "heartstrings" will induce tears. Often it is when I see others display heartfelt sentiments, but also at times when my kids do things that make me proud or make me feel love. And always, always, when seeing live musical or theatrical performances. I don't know why that is. It's like it touches me by piercing through the wall of that container you described, and the resulting breach lets some of my raw feeling escape...and the raw feeling comes out as tears because I just can't compose myself. It's very embarrassing when people look at you as if to say, why the hell are you crying just because a bunch of kids are dancing and singing??? I don't know why I do... I try not to! And in order to prevent that happening I have to shut off that emotion valve. I think that could be one reason why my parents were always emotionally unavailable...my mum seems to have the same thing.

 

[DogwoodTree]

But I also feel that although it is a kind of fabrication, it could also be said that language is a fabrication that we use to convey thoughts and emotions. The way we "speak" our emotions to others could simply be seen as a different language.

A couple of thoughts on this. First, not everyone has to "translate" their thoughts in order to put them into words. Many, many people think primarily in words, so these verbal thinkers just have to say out loud whatever words they're thinking. Visual thinkers, on the other hand, do have to translate from pictures into words in order to communicate thoughts, and maybe this is what you're referring to in regards to communicating thoughts? And here, with visual thinkers, the "lost in translation" phenomenon would certainly apply.

About emotions...I don't think NTs have to rely so heavily on putting emotions into words in order to communicate them. Their smile is a direct expression of their happiness. Their tears are a direct expression of their sadness. When they're angry, their voice pitch and volume change without their even having to think about it--their bodies just naturally express the emotions they're feeling, and they can also read these expressions in each other without having to do any significant amount of translation. These expressions tend to be fairly universal, even across cultures. The reasons behind their emotions might not be so obvious to other people, but the emotions themselves are expressed in a fairly universal NT-body language.

I don't know if other aspies experience this, but for me, the expression of my emotions is not so intuitively linked to my body language. (I'll address your insightful comments about tears below.) It might be that my physical expressions of emotion should have been simply a different body language than the NT version of body language, and I just suppressed it because of environmental pressure (this is totally possible and makes a lot of sense). But as it is, my body rarely expresses my emotions at all without my conscious intervention.

So for example, if I'm happy about something, I have to remind myself, "This is what a smile is for. People will know you're happy if you smile." But only rarely does a smile come without my thinking about it, and most of the time, my smile is fabricated in order to meet the demands of a situation, not as an expression of actual, experienced happiness. And when a spontaneous smile does occur as a result of experienced, inner happiness, it's usually (as you described with the tears below) a more extreme, less controlled version of a smile, and many times it occurs in a situation where other people aren't expecting it and it doesn't really make sense to them. Oftentimes, a spontaneous smile is actually connected more to embarrassment or shame than to happiness.

And in my case there are many situations where the inner emotions come out in ways that are unexpected by most people. I think it's because I just can't control them without suppressing them entirely.

It's like it touches me by piercing through the wall of that container you described, and the resulting breach lets some of my raw feeling escape...and the raw feeling comes out as tears because I just can't compose myself.

You've described this well, I think. Yes...when something does breach the barrier, it's not really manageable. It bursts out in chaotic, unpredictable ways that feel overwhelming and confusing.

The expression of emotions are supposed to draw people together, right? This is why people go to a funeral--so they can be sad together and feel that sense of camaraderie in the loss. This is why they have celebrations, to share their happiness with each other and feel closer in the experience.

But instead, for me the rare and uncontrollable expression of emotions results in my feeling overwhelmed and even more out of sync with the world. So then there is no experience of connection with others through that emotional expression. Instead, emotional expression serves to isolate even more, which defeats the purpose, which is probably one reason why I've gotten so good at suppressing emotional expression.

At this point, I can't even express it with an aspie-body language, whatever that might be. Except anxiety. And frustration. Anxiety and frustration come out because I think my body will explode if I try to keep that in.

 

[hiraeth]

I've come to the conclusion that my authentic self is the inspired, energetic, courageous experience that is invoked by my special interests. Whatever they may be, the interest itself isn't important, but the capacity to develop that kind of relationship is unique and very important to me. It has formed the basis of almost all of the major decisions I've made in life in some way or another. Without any special interests I am just completely lost and dejected. When things happen to interfere with my special interest relationships I also become like that, or when it comes time for an interest to move on.... although I think of those things as also part of what it means to be me. There are highs, there are lows.

And a lot of people must surely think I am silly or immature when I infodump at them or let it slip that some "interest" is more important to me than anything else in the world (and my interests are never ever other humans in my personal life), yeah, so I try to be at least somewhat selective of who I "let in" that way, since it's quite a vulnerable thing to do. But at the core of it, it's really really simple.

I don't and can never "identify as" any label that the external world have placed on me. Labels - including this one called Aspergers - are simply a communication tool. It's not perfect, and it's not intended to communicate who I am, but rather how I interface with the external world. Those things are quite different.

 

[Cosmophylla]

Visual thinkers, on the other hand, do have to translate from pictures into words in order to communicate thoughts, and maybe this is what you're referring to in regards to communicating thoughts? And here, with visual thinkers, the "lost in translation" phenomenon would certainly apply.

Uh, yes...I'm a visual thinker, so perhaps that colours my ideas.
But I was thinking that regardless of the way our brains work, that communicating (or not communicating) emotion is still a language. It's not a spoken language and doesn't necessarily have to be a body language. When I mentioned translation I wasn't really talking directly about translating emotion into words. More about differences between spoken languages and differences between cultures (between countries or between neurotypes), that cannot be translated one to the other. In our case the dominant culture (NT) communicates one way (uses cultural spoken and body language), and our culture (neurodivergent or neurodiverse) doesn't. We don't have a single shared method of emotional communication. I agree with your thoughts on this.

I wonder about the difference and similarity between societal expectations of politeness and Aspie masks. The obligation to greet customers with a smile even when you hate your job or hate your customers... This is a conscious effort. I'm pretty sure I've talked about this in other threads and I don't want to wax tedious so I won't pursue this line of thinking too far. Suffice to say that there must be a difference if the person consciously displaying emotional body language (to be polite or perform as expected) is able to access their natural emotions and intuitively display them...while another person (such as yourself) is unable to do that.

And when a spontaneous smile does occur as a result of experienced, inner happiness, it's usually (as you described with the tears below) a more extreme, less controlled version of a smile, and many times it occurs in a situation where other people aren't expecting it and it doesn't really make sense to them. Oftentimes, a spontaneous smile is actually connected more to embarrassment or shame than to happiness.

At this point, I can't even express it with an aspie-body language, whatever that might be. Except anxiety. And frustration. Anxiety and frustration come out because I think my body will explode if I try to keep that in.

Yes, I experience this, too. Weird smiles when I'm embarrassed, and frowns when I'm content, and such things that puzzle other people. My husband is used to it and knows that it doesn't mean what it appears to.

And the anxiety and anger are connected to the reptilian brain, the centre of lightning fast reactions. Bypassing the frontal lobes. Anger is my most commonly intuitively expressed emotion... But I'm working on slowing down so my frontal lobes can catch up. It's working better lately.

I'm curious as to whether the involuntary tears and other raw emotional reactions to things are also reptilian brain reactions, or something else.

(If this response has less coherence than my earlier ones, I apologise...it is because my son is now home and watching TV loud...)

 

[DogwoodTree]

Uh, yes...I'm a visual thinker, so perhaps that colours my ideas.

Me too, very much so. I have a friend who is a completely verbal thinker...all of her thoughts occur in serial fashion, like when you're reading. With my visual thinking style, I can think of multiple images at the same time, but her verbal thinking requires a more ordered, single-track thought process. It's very interesting to talk about the differences of our inner experiences together.

I wonder about the difference and similarity between societal expectations of politeness and Aspie masks. The obligation to greet customers with a smile even when you hate your job or hate your customers... This is a conscious effort. I'm pretty sure I've talked about this in other threads and I don't want to wax tedious so I won't pursue this line of thinking too far. Suffice to say that there must be a difference if the person consciously displaying emotional body language (to be polite or perform as expected) is able to access their natural emotions and intuitively display them...while another person (such as yourself) is unable to do that.

Yes, this whole concept fascinates me. I can't quite wrap my mind around it. NTs intuitively express their emotions, and yet they fake it sometimes as well to meet social demands, but they don't consider that dishonest. I try to fabricate outer expressions of my genuine emotions, but even though it's all representative of true feelings I have on the inside, it feels fake and comes across as attention-seeking or as self-pity. None of this makes sense to me. I just can't get the big picture on it all. It seems like a tangle of contradictions to me, and I can't even really put it into words. It's just confusing...it's like I'm trying to use the wrong structural paradigm to understand what the expression of emotions is supposed to be.

I'm curious as to whether the involuntary tears and other raw emotional reactions to things are also reptilian brain reactions, or something else.

Good question, I don't know. I think my therapist thinks I'm holding back emotions because I'm ashamed of them, or because I think it's a sign of weakness to show emotion. And maybe that's part of it--my family background certainly contributed to that stance on emotional expression. But logically I realize that emotional expression is supposed to be a good thing. It feels like excessive drama, though, whenever something of my emotion does get through. And it's not really under my control. I can't conjure up a spontaneous, intuitive emotional expression. It only happens when my defenses get overwhelmed and it comes out in the chaotic, uncontrollable burst. I don't know how to fix this, and I feel isolated from other humans as a result.

I've come to the conclusion that my authentic self is the inspired, energetic, courageous experience that is invoked by my special interests. Whatever they may be, the interest itself isn't important, but the capacity to develop that kind of relationship is unique and very important to me.

This is a very good point. I've considered the same idea, that the energetic curiosity and flow I experience in my special interest is the expression of my true self. And I think it is a very integral part of who I am. But I don't think, for me, that it represents the sum total.

I think part of my "true self" is related to how I experience the world (beyond my special interest), the things I choose to do that aren't as easy as the special interest, and the values I have that prevail even through the waxing and waning of my special interests.

And a lot of people must surely think I am silly or immature when I infodump at them or let it slip that some "interest" is more important to me than anything else in the world (and my interests are never ever other humans in my personal life), yeah, so I try to be at least somewhat selective of who I "let in" that way, since it's quite a vulnerable thing to do. But at the core of it, it's really really simple.

This makes a lot of sense to me. Not many people can appreciate how important these special interests are for us. NTs are soothed and comforted and encouraged by things like hugs, compliments, and hanging out together. I'm soothed by my special interest. It regulates and excites and energizes me. And when it's not there, it's like I'm a ship with no sail or engine...just floating unguided across a massive sea of lostness.