Transitioning Back into My Autsim II

[OkRad]

I just wanted to update how that is going. For new folks (hi!) I had an accident which stripped me of my skills I had formed for decades to fight my Autism. Most of it was totally unconscious. You know, you live in the NT world and it just happens.

Well, after the wreck things started to happen, like I could not longer NOT be autistic. After a suicide attempt, a shrink figured it out. I was floored. She said,

"It is no longer the head injury. That is better. It's your autism......"

No I had NO IDEA autism was this strong!!! She explained I had no idea how hard I had been fighting it. And it was like all these parts of me started to fall down back onto me from the ceiling as she was talking. like "OH!!!"

It was not good, but then I started to get it.

I can now embrace it. Again, it's not great, but I see going with it is better than fighting it.

Number one is not fearing The Rabbit Hole. I will post on that. Hard to explain, but That is the way we can go down into that place that was always scary to me before. Narrow vision, like being stoned, apart, thoughts thick.......it is very very safe. It is saving my life. Eyes closed, it blocks out the world and I do not even have to try.

Other things:
1. I never question myself. If I want to wear my knit hat all the time, I do it.
2. If I do not want to return a verbal greeting, I don't. I try not to be rude, but now I see no one really cares if I give a greeting nor not. No one but my family would even care if I died, so there is no point.
3. Not torturing myself to appear normal. In fact, I said F - it and sometimes I will just make myself look blantanly weird in order to make people leave me alone.
4. If I want to wear latex gloves in public because I had a lung infection and don't feel like washing my hands again, I do it.

To me it feels like I just realized I am another gender or another religion or race or discovered something about me that is how I was before someone made me act differently.

It's hard, but there is no other way.

Has anyone else HEAVILY transitioned back into their Autism either on purpose or after a trauma?

I hope it gets better because there is no going back .

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I don't view it as fighting against something, it's not like depression or anxiety, it's who I am as a person, it makes up a significant portion of who I am as a person. I do what comes naturally to me in as many cases that are healthy things to do and not damaging.

I don't like to make eye contact so I'm not forcing myself to do it because it's not hurting me by not doing it. If someday I feel like I'm able to again then great, but until then... However I do realise that I have a tendency to want to spend all my time alone and that's something I need to find a balance in to help me fight depression. I've changed in the last year, I want to be part of conversations with people I know now. So I'm trying to do what's kindest for me.

 

[Mia]

Almost all of my life has been spent in the NT world 'fitting in', I cared so much about how everyone perceived me that I never questioned any of it, until recently. My bio family stills lives that NT existence and it's probably why I dislike them.

Have an almost non-verbal sibling who they talk about as if she were a circus freak. For years I warned her not to live with them or to get too close. Now she's an alcoholic who has blackouts, because of their treatment of her. There are PD's in the family, I think. Anything that they consider 'not normal' is ruthlessly squashed with their somewhat opposable thumbs. My hyperactivity, her OCD made us the objects of a great deal of maltreatment as children and adults. My parent called me throughout my childhood a 'horrible' child.

Yet once I began at sixteen to distance myself from them, my life improved. Understanding now that I am on the spectrum has given me a great deal of leeway to discover who I actually am, shorn of other people's opinions. Now it's easier, and I use my autism as a 'get out of jail free card' to do what I want, to not battle those behaviors and thoughts but to roll with them as you have.

 

[Liam Sifr]

Fitting in and then losing it, suffering a meltdown in the process and then picking up the pieces before attempting to rinse and repeat.

Almost always for me it begins with an nt behaving unexpectedly, resulting in what I term as recursive thoughts in my head.

My most recent episode was about four months after I eased myself into a new job. Supportive environment but as the team grew, human contact became inevitable. I suffered a meltdown in the process and in the worst ways, in part I felt like burning bridges and picked up the most innocuous of arguments, tempting a verbal contest in the process.

It began when my nt spouse decided to do one of those non verbal things in an attempt to check on me or join me in my private moments (walking usually).

When such intrusions occur, I lose it. When I lose it, she I insists I ought to behave more normal and seek help to behave normally.

The resentment becomes a spiralling circus.

But fitting in is hard. I do it to keep my job which pays well and allows my wife the benefit of feeling like I am a regular breadwinner.

When I need a distraction among NT's I tune things out by puting on headphones and my favourite songs.

Its a forced outright lie of a life but I get by because at work in part I am appreciated for my weird behaviour (I am a computer programmer).

I know my life hasn't been as ****** as yours. But this platform exists to show you that many people like us are coping on so many different levels. Let it out. Share. Someone is bound to have been through similar ruts and may have adequate rationale on hand to help you resolving the more recursive thoughts.