Too invasive, or not enough?

[Soleil]

I believe there's a stereotype of autistic people being extremely invasive and asking personal questions because they have trouble with social conventions and don't realize that they're being invasive.

I have a generally good grasp of social norms for the most part, understand when people are upset, and so on. But I realize that I have no idea what's going on around me because I don't ask any questions. I figure if they want me to know something, then they'll tell me. But usually I only learn what's going on when I overhear people talking.

For example, my mom went out for dinner. I assumed it was a date, but she didn't say, so I didn't ask. I only know what happened (it was a date, he didn't call back) because I overheard her talking about it with her granddaughter.

Is this common? Not asking questions because too afraid of being nosy, instead of asking too many questions because you don't realize you're being nosy?

 

[unperson]

Yes I don't ask enuf questions, feels rude to me. I'm not aware of any stereotype autist questioners, cos failure to question is part of autism.

 

[Au Naturel]

Once you have learned your questions are unwelcome you stop asking. Too often you get MYOB or 'you don't need to know' as a response. Or a lie. Also, I am reticent in answering them because I learned that the wrong answer - even if it is an honest and accurate answer - can hurt you.

 

[Jumpback]

I believe there's a stereotype of autistic people being extremely invasive and asking personal questions because they have trouble with social conventions and don't realize that they're being invasive.

I have a generally good grasp of social norms for the most part, understand when people are upset, and so on. But I realize that I have no idea what's going on around me because I don't ask any questions. I figure if they want me to know something, then they'll tell me. But usually I only learn what's going on when I overhear people talking.

For example, my mom went out for dinner. I assumed it was a date, but she didn't say, so I didn't ask. I only know what happened (it was a date, he didn't call back) because I overheard her talking about it with her granddaughter.

Is this common? Not asking questions because too afraid of being nosy, instead of asking too many questions because you don't realize you're being nosy?

I tend to ask too many personal questions, or just mention off limit topics, but it’s because I am actually curious and/or want to understand what’s going on.

I just haven’t naturally grasp the need for secrets unless they involve something like cheating or a felon on the run or whatever, but I have come to realize that people use information against other people. I dislike this whole thing where appearances are reality or something.

It’s like people judge based on obvious social cues to save time and so on and someone showing up at job interview must look the part and say the right things and not mention other things and so on. I just dislike this whole social game, it sort of seems like how well one can comply with social norms and sometimes skillfully lie or at least exaggerate the positives and not mention the negatives. I’m more interested in what actually makes people tick and greater social issues than how well people can do well at the social game being played

 

[Progster]

I don't ask enough questions, mainly because I'm generally not interested in learning about people's personal stuff, just not that curious about people. Though I might ask some questions if I want to try to help someone, but need more information to do so. Like you, I tend not to hear things or know things until a lot later, and that's because I don't talk to people very much, I'm not that sociable. My partner will often tell me things if he thinks it is relevant.

 

[Thinx]

I sit on the sidelines and observe, so not asking questions is part of just a larger lack of interaction. It's a lack of taking the initiative too, I think. It doesn't occur to me. Something isn't firing. Or isn't there, in the Bermuda triangle of my communication equipment. I also notice that I don't look under things, when I have lost something. Literally. It doesn't seem to occur to me, for example, a cup may be under the drying cloth my friend uses over the washed dishes, and after a look in the cupboard and across the surfaces, I would go and ask where it is, despite having done this before too.

However, I believe a lack in this area is common to many people, not in quite so marked a way, but in terms of asking others what's going on for them. One of the things I learned in one of my trainings was the concept of Curiosity, it's a term that was used by Gianfranco Cechin to encourage therapists to keep a stance of curiosity towards their clients issues, rather than forming an idea too soon, or at all, about what the person means.

Because ultimately, being curious and remaining uncertain but asking more useful questions, helps the person work out their own understandings of what things mean to them. I find it a useful idea in life, for myself and in interactions, to stay Curious. It's just one word that reminds me to withold theorising and potential judgements. Stay curious. Ask useful questions.

 

[SusanLR]

I sit on the sidelines and observe, so not asking questions is part of just a larger lack of interaction. It's a lack of taking the initiative too, I think

Exactly.
This is describing my life. I don't like to take the initiative and I don't ask questions unless necessary.
It IS a part of lacking interaction for me, too.

But, oh yes, I listen and observe.
I take in what is being said, especially if it is directed towards me. Then I process it.
That way I will not be taken off guard if interaction happens.

Definitely, stay curious, my friends.
Oops, I think that's the Dos Equis guy's line. Yes, staying thirsty isn't a bad idea either.
Thirsty for understanding.

 

[Keena]

I figure if they want me to know something, then they'll tell me. But usually I only learn what's going on when I overhear people talking.

Oh wow, I thought it was just me, and I thought there was something flawed about me because I do this. I just don’t think to ask people about themselves, and at the same time I figure if people want me to know things about them, they will tell me. Probably because if I want people to know something about me, I tell them. In reality, I end up on the outskirts of every social group I’m in because people think I either don’t care about them, am a snob, am selfish, standoffish, etc (at least that’s what I’ve heard).

For what it’s worth, I’m none of these things, and it’s nice to know I’m not the only person who thinks this way.

 

[Moonhart44]

i didnt know that was a stereotype. im defintely very invasive. but people just really tell you their secrets, and me, trying to put logic to their actions that are not always logical, i need to ask a lot of questions to make sure i get it. i have been told that i can come across as interrogative, or that i can come across as "too honest"

 

[menander]

Good gracious. I did not even have to read beyond the first sentence (though I did). How many times have I even asked for clarification and got screamed at?? How many times did I get the, "ARE YOU THAT STUPID?!" Even when I tried to help people were poed. And I mean SCREAMED at.

 

[Au Naturel]

Good gracious. I did not even have to read beyond the first sentence (though I did). How many times have I even asked for clarification and got screamed at?? How many times did I get the, "ARE YOU THAT STUPID?!" Even when I tried to help people were poed. And I mean SCREAMED at.

Oh, I get that too. I'll see ambiguity and they are upset. To them, it was perfectly clear and the alternative meanings I saw? Well, only a dimwit would even think of those things. It is obvious what they meant. Or maybe I am deliberately messing with them. It sux to be too scientifically minded.

 

[Soleil]

I just don’t think to ask people about themselves, and at the same time I figure if people want me to know things about them, they will tell me. Probably because if I want people to know something about me, I tell them.

This applies to social media, too. I never check anyone's Facebook page to see what they're doing, because I expect them to just tell me what they're doing. And I never post anything, either, because if I have something to share, then I'll tell them myself.

 

[Sara3]

I ask A LOT of questions. Some people are ok with it. Some others are not ok. I think it's a matter of being able to discern who wants to be asked questions and who doesn't want to. Sometimes, discerning that is difficult.

 

[SDRSpark]

I just haven’t naturally grasp the need for secrets unless they involve something like cheating or a felon on the run or whatever, but I have come to realize that people use information against other people. I dislike this whole thing where appearances are reality or something.

LOL same. I've accidentally outed people for stuff that they were hiding (that they shouldn't have been).

Not my fault, they shouldn't have been hiding that stuff. If they weren't lying about it in the first place, it wouldn't have been an issue.

 

[Keena]

Regarding secrets: In the past, I’ve repeated things in the workplace that someone told me; nothing too crazy, just like, “Oh, did you know so-and-so is pregnant?” with the reaction of “Um, I don’t think that’s common knowledge!” Okay, so... why are they telling ME then? We aren’t best friends. We aren’t even close. My thing is if you don’t want everyone at work to know something, don’t even mention it. That doesn’t seem like autistic thinking, it just seems like common sense?

These days though, if someone tells me something I just keep my mouth shut. My philosophy is that if it isn’t my news, it isn’t my story to tell. Also seems like common sense, but as my mom always said, I didn’t have much of that...which just MIGHT be my autistic brain, haha.

 

[SDRSpark]

In the past, I’ve repeated things in the workplace that someone told me; nothing too crazy, just like, “Oh, did you know so-and-so is pregnant?” with the reaction of “Um, I don’t think that’s common knowledge!” Okay, so... why are they telling ME then? We aren’t best friends. We aren’t even close.

Lol YEP!!!! Sometimes I really get the feeling that people have a different view of my relationship to them than I have. Like a complete mismatch of motivations.

 

[Adler]

I do that. If someones telling me something in loud places its hard to hear them and I can zone out alot (probs adhd) so I dont want to ask questions when I don't know if what i think they mean, means what they mean, and that could make them upset. If someone cool tells me something I like to ask questions but i spend too long thinking about the question and then the appropriate time for question isnt there anymore and i get distracted. I dont want to talk over people because what if that's rude or what they were going to say was cool. In groups get caught up in listening to other people talk when the topic is interesting and zone out when I don't care where actual conversation happens? it requires a certain mood from me and an enjoyable person present but I tend to ask if i can ask about something before i ask, I try to be nice.

 

[Keena]

Lol YEP!!!! Sometimes I really get the feeling that people have a different view of my relationship to them than I have. Like a complete mismatch of motivations.

Usually it’s that I view a relationship with someone as closer than it is to them, though. Which pushes people away, which makes me shut down and not want to let people in, and on and on in an endless cycle *sigh*

 

[Magna]

I figure if they want me to know something, then they'll tell me.

^ 1,000%.

And as Au Naturel said, I don't ask the many questions I have in my head and that I would ask, (the questions that interest me) because I think the other person would find the questions invasive, trivial, forward, repetitious or weird.

My wife has finally accepted that if she wants to know information that's important to her or to our family, she makes the phone call.