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this man AS puts me at peace...seeking knowledge

AO1501
am I looking for expressions of love through actions rather than words? I think that is the first big difference I am noticing...I am a natural writer and lover of words and part of our communication is by text and I can pour myself out on to a page, which does not fair well for him at all...I have figured this out...we now video chat in the mornings which is better but still, words are not a grand expression of adoration for him...is this true in general?

It isn't that an aspie doesn't get words - I know that when my wife and I were stuck thousands of miles apart (in the days before texts and skype) we'd email pages and pages to each other every day, but what you say and what you mean might not be what he gets from reading, and absent real-time conversations, that can make misunderstandings hard to catch and resolve before they become embedded into the relationship's history.

My own experience of relationships as an aspie male is that my partners have always needed some form of reinforcement of what I say from the things I do, and sometimes I have managed to get it, but that need has had to be really glaringly obvious for me to realise. In retrospect, my wife dropped lots of hints, which I see in hindsight, but never noticed in real time, and I can understand why that made things hard for her to understand, and harder still to believe that I felt for her what I said, but which she may well have never entirely believed, or felt comfortable believing.

She would ask me how would she know I loved her, and I'd say 'because I said so', meaning that I would never say it unless I meant it, and I couldn't figure out why that wasn't enough.

What we didn't do was talk about it, and discuss why she and I saw the relationship in different ways, even as we wanted to be in it, and to be together. We lasted 13 really good years (and a couple of not so good) however, so even with misunderstanding each other's needs and forms of expression, we got a lot right. That's why I say it can work.

The problem to me isn't the difference, it in trying not to take the failure to get what you want or need from each other as a hurt, but as the basis to explore what went wrong. Some relationships can't survive that kind of examination and will fail, but the ones that can will be much more likely to thrive on it.

On EDIT: I need to add that no, if he is not 'wordy', great words likely won't work well as a form of expression, particularly if he has found over the years that people often say one thing and mean something at least not quite the same. Aspies broadly are very practical, very engaged in the clockwork of life - the stuff that makes it tick. The grand expression of love for him (it certainly worked for me) was the simple statement 'I love you'. Simple and direct is what I always found worked, because I could understand that and know it wasn't meant to be something else. I didn't need anything else, because when I'm told something, I believe it.
 
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AO1501
am I looking for expressions of love through actions rather than words? I think that is the first big difference I am noticing...I am a natural writer and lover of words and part of our communication is by text and I can pour myself out on to a page, which does not fair well for him at all...I have figured this out...we now video chat in the mornings which is better but still, words are not a grand expression of adoration for him...is this true in general?
it probably depends on the person my mother attended a grammar school which changed her education- if she'd gone to a technical college she might not have studied English literature at University but they might not of been multiples of books in my house when I was a child but there were.
i'm still autistic I still don't understand social cues but I almost imprinted on books and cats and dogs and nature other members here were around motor-vehicles,my uncle who I'm sure is autistic I think almost imprinted on steam trains, my other uncle can build a motorcycle take it apart and rebuild it again, is he a writer of Shakespeare no !but I can barely understand how an engine works.
there's a saying you may not have heard' once you've met an Aspie you've met one Aspie' , I am a Christian that changes again how you act !a lot of autistic people are atheists !there is no formula for autism .
most of us have health problems that will change again how you communicate .
what you need to be is plain in Speech,probably for the man that you communicate with is shattered after you finish speaking, I think because I have regular panic attacks and I have no support from anyone I like to converse a lot but that is just me .
 
@AO 1501 said : "The problem to me isn't the difference, it's in trying not to take the failure to get what you want or need from each other as a hurt, but as the basis to explore what went wrong."

I want to remember this wise statement. I'm going to imprint it. Thank you so much for a really helpful post.
 

I do have to step away from all the chaos behaviors learned in the past...that’s where his wise quote the other day niggled into my brain like a worm and sat there all day “maybe you are so used to fighting and surviving in chaos that you do not know how to live in peace” ... I can no longer say something to get a reaction because his reaction is typically no reaction. :) His ability to cut through all of the noise of the outer world and bring me peace is what drives me here. I am hungry for information.
 
@AO 1501 said : "The problem to me isn't the difference, it's in trying not to take the failure to get what you want or need from each other as a hurt, but as the basis to explore what went wrong."

I want to remember this wise statement. I'm going to imprint it. Thank you so much for a really helpful post.

Yes Lucy! Thanks for drawing me back to that! I am reading back over things because I am buzzing with information. Thank goodness Mr AS is without WiFi for a weekend and I have time to quietly research and read. But back to this quote...part of my take away...what am I not getting? I’m not hearing how much I am desired/adored/loved? Whatever, why on Earth do I need that? I just sat up there and told you all what a strong, independent woman I was...I should be stepping in whole not looking for validation.
 
Yes Lucy! Thanks for drawing me back to that! I am reading back over things because I am buzzing with information. Thank goodness Mr AS is without WiFi for a weekend and I have time to quietly research and read. But back to this quote...part of my take away...what am I not getting? I’m not hearing how much I am desired/adored/loved? Whatever, why on Earth do I need that? I just sat up there and told you all what a strong, independent woman I was...I should be stepping in whole not looking for validation.
sorry but that's crap !strong independent doesn't mean you are heartless !look at Jesus Christ crucified !unimaginable pain !The description of his body after it had been scourged was you could see down to the bones of his spine and legs imagine being able to walk when your body is in that state but he still said father why have you abandoned me !it's just something every living creature needs!in Gethsemane he said to God if there is another way to save people basically please do it !strong and independent as he was he still said that .I think I'm strong and independent but I still always pray let the cats come with me when I die it's just natural to be like that .
I can't imagine how terrible it is for autistic children who are non-verbal and haven't managed to communicate feeling trapped and alone .
 
...part of my take away...what am I not getting? I’m not hearing how much I am desired/adored/loved? Whatever, why on Earth do I need that? ...

We all do that. We don't enter relationships as unformed and fully educable entities ready to be programed. We are who we are. If you have needed to be desired/adored/loved and have it proven, there is a reason for it, possibly a lack of proof of it at a time when knowing it was true was crucial to you. You can't not be that person, but you can learn from it and find alternative strategies to the same end.

I think that is how many relationships fail, because we aren't flexible enough to find those alternative strategies, even when we can see our needs aren't being met the way we would prefer, or have previously preferred.
 
We all do that. We don't enter relationships as unformed and fully educable entities ready to be programed. We are who we are. If you have needed to be desired/adored/loved and have it proven, there is a reason for it, possibly a lack of proof of it at a time when knowing it was true was crucial to you. You can't not be that person, but you can learn from it and find alternative strategies to the same end.

I think that is how many relationships fail, because we aren't flexible enough to find those alternative strategies, even when we can see our needs aren't being met the way we would prefer, or have previously preferred.

It’s just that Mr AS seems to struggle with putting this into words...he says he is a physical person but we are currently in long distance most of the time, which is suitable at this stage, again we are still learning each other and building a wonderful friendship, we just know we are getting in deep at this point...we do know that much, we crave our talks and our communication...and I think we are having these hard talks that many couples don’t do early on, especially not in this stage early on..so we are getting work done. Admittedly, we come from broken places, both childhood and adulthood, but we have grown through this and it is part of the draw to each other, remember we knew each other in childhood (I think I briefly touched on that) so we seem to approach each other from a non judge-mental state to begin with, now it’s just figuring out how to communicate across these neurological differences...I am able to say I like you, I am drawn to you, you put me at peace and he seems unable to reciprocate but as I type this to you I can say he dials in on the video messenger in the mornings and checks in by texting with me so isn’t that a show of caring and drawing to me? Maybe that’s how I need to approach this? I don’t know, but this is why I’m here...still buzzing with all this information and incredibly blessed by the input.
 
Yes the fact he maintains regular contact may be his way via actions to show his caring. Look for other similar ways to that (kind of like acts of service).
 
It’s just that Mr AS seems to struggle with putting this into words...he says he is a physical person but we are currently in long distance most of the time, which is suitable at this stage, again we are still learning each other and building a wonderful friendship, we just know we are getting in deep at this point...we do know that much, we crave our talks and our communication...and I think we are having these hard talks that many couples don’t do early on, especially not in this stage early on..so we are getting work done. Admittedly, we come from broken places, both childhood and adulthood, but we have grown through this and it is part of the draw to each other, remember we knew each other in childhood (I think I briefly touched on that) so we seem to approach each other from a non judge-mental state to begin with, now it’s just figuring out how to communicate across these neurological differences...I am able to say I like you, I am drawn to you, you put me at peace and he seems unable to reciprocate but as I type this to you I can say he dials in on the video messenger in the mornings and checks in by texting with me so isn’t that a show of caring and drawing to me? Maybe that’s how I need to approach this? I don’t know, but this is why I’m here...still buzzing with all this information and incredibly blessed by the input.

It is exactly his method. If he is not comfortable in putting his thoughts and feelings into words, and many aspies seem not to be, then if he does care and is drawn to you, turning up to talk, and maintaining a text conversation is very much the way he expresses it. It will seem practical, immediate and unmistakable (to him, that is). That it doesn't immediately strike you as such is simply the neurology getting in the way.

Which isn't to make light of the lack of words or deeds you need in your world of experience, but a perfect example of how you take the lack from him of what you need, and examine why. Is it because he doesn't care or desire, or is it that he expresses that in ways unfamiliar to your interpretation.

And that means that one of your lines of communication might well usefully be to explore how you both express yourselves and perceive the expression from each other. This may be an opportunity for you to examine the clockwork of your growing relationship and establish how you both understand it in order that you can find what you need from it.

But don't forget that you may be both looking for different things anyway. You may want to be loved, cared for, desired, and be drawn to him, but he may want something more practical. To him, the relationship may represent safety, warmth, sanity instead. If so, he won't reciprocate your words because that isn't his need. So ask what he wants, what he hopes. Yet try not to ask open questions like 'what do you want', or 'what are you hoping for', because for many those are meaningless and have no real answer. Ask instead, 'what do you need me to do', 'what do I need to know about you'. Questions that directly address things. You'll probably find it harder to make any progress than you'd like, but slow is better than none. And you might find he struggles with handling some things you ask, and if that's the case, try rephrasing it more directly, or circle round to it later.
 
I agree with @LucyPurrs to be clear I just don't understand the language of most people , I memorise things! but learning them takes decades for me ! for instance one English word I know has different meanings !and I was born in England and raised in England ,educated in England ,still I don't understand the meaning of words .
you have no idea the feeling I get if I look at a thesaurus, I have lived my life by the rules of panic that is what I understand .
I have a huge book called peaks commentary on the Bible I would love to understand it .
and I wish people would understand they cannot teach me by words it doesn't work .
pictures I understand !if I knew how to communicate via email by emoji I would !but I've stuffed so much in my head over the years it is now starting to leak .
I do 3-D decoupage that's building up a large picture down to the smallest part of the picture I love it I can read the picture that's why I like television !it's like reading a book !a lot easier if it's just animals ! people remind me that I can't understand them!as easily! still find animals hard !the cat is staring at me !I think he is hungry but I'm clueless .
 
It isn't that an aspie doesn't get words - I know that when my wife and I were stuck thousands of miles apart (in the days before texts and skype) we'd email pages and pages to each other every day, but what you say and what you mean might not be what he gets from reading, and absent real-time conversations, that can make misunderstandings hard to catch and resolve before they become embedded into the relationship's history.

My own experience of relationships as an aspie male is that my partners have always needed some form of reinforcement of what I say from the things I do, and sometimes I have managed to get it, but that need has had to be really glaringly obvious for me to realise. In retrospect, my wife dropped lots of hints, which I see in hindsight, but never noticed in real time, and I can understand why that made things hard for her to understand, and harder still to believe that I felt for her what I said, but which she may well have never entirely believed, or felt comfortable believing.

She would ask me how would she know I loved her, and I'd say 'because I said so', meaning that I would never say it unless I meant it, and I couldn't figure out why that wasn't enough.

What we didn't do was talk about it, and discuss why she and I saw the relationship in different ways, even as we wanted to be in it, and to be together. We lasted 13 really good years (and a couple of not so good) however, so even with misunderstanding each other's needs and forms of expression, we got a lot right. That's why I say it can work.

The problem to me isn't the difference, it in trying not to take the failure to get what you want or need from each other as a hurt, but as the basis to explore what went wrong. Some relationships can't survive that kind of examination and will fail, but the ones that can will be much more likely to thrive on it.

On EDIT: I need to add that no, if he is not 'wordy', great words likely won't work well as a form of expression, particularly if he has found over the years that people often say one thing and mean something at least not quite the same. Aspies broadly are very practical, very engaged in the clockwork of life - the stuff that makes it tick. The grand expression of love for him (it certainly worked for me) was the simple statement 'I love you'. Simple and direct is what I always found worked, because I could understand that and know it wasn't meant to be something else. I didn't need anything else, because when I'm told something, I believe it.

“particularly if he has found over the years that people often say one thing and mean something at least not quite the same” so he doesn’t make “promises”
It is exactly his method. If he is not comfortable in putting his thoughts and feelings into words, and many aspies seem not to be, then if he does care and is drawn to you, turning up to talk, and maintaining a text conversation is very much the way he expresses it. It will seem practical, immediate and unmistakable (to him, that is). That it doesn't immediately strike you as such is simply the neurology getting in the way.

Which isn't to make light of the lack of words or deeds you need in your world of experience, but a perfect example of how you take the lack from him of what you need, and examine why. Is it because he doesn't care or desire, or is it that he expresses that in ways unfamiliar to your interpretation.

And that means that one of your lines of communication might well usefully be to explore how you both express yourselves and perceive the expression from each other. This may be an opportunity for you to examine the clockwork of your growing relationship and establish how you both understand it in order that you can find what you need from it.

But don't forget that you may be both looking for different things anyway. You may want to be loved, cared for, desired, and be drawn to him, but he may want something more practical. To him, the relationship may represent safety, warmth, sanity instead. If so, he won't reciprocate your words because that isn't his need. So ask what he wants, what he hopes. Yet try not to ask open questions like 'what do you want', or 'what are you hoping for', because for many those are meaningless and have no real answer. Ask instead, 'what do you need me to do', 'what do I need to know about you'. Questions that directly address things. You'll probably find it harder to make any progress than you'd like, but slow is better than none. And you might find he struggles with handling some things you ask, and if that's the case, try rephrasing it more directly, or circle round to it later.

your input is so valuable, you have such a way of explaining it to me, thank you
 
“particularly if he has found over the years that people often say one thing and mean something at least not quite the same” so he doesn’t make “promises”

He also would not believe promises. Words become empty things when you can't trust they mean what they say.

I rely on words, I use them a lot (you can tell that?!), so I demand of myself and of others, that words are used with precision. If they are not, I get totally lost, like driving in Italy with a map of Wisconsin.


your input is so valuable, you have such a way of explaining it to me, thank you

You're welcome, but explore the ideas and suggestions to see if they fit. For example, I suggested that while you are looking to be loved, cared for, desired, and to be drawn to him, he may be looking for safety, warmth and sanity instead, and this might seem rather one-sided and selfish of him. But imagine if all his life he has struggled to cope with abuse because he is different, or perceived as weak and an easy target, has felt out in the cold and isolated, has known he doesn't fit in and never known why, and imagine that your relationship represents how all that hurt can be suddenly and inexplicably made good.... then his needs are not much different than yours, and you are valued for all that you bring into his life.

That was me in my relationship. My wife sheltered me from a victimised history and gave me safety from it, warmth and hope. I had no way to tell her that, even though I'm probably quite eloquent. I made sure that I was there when the phone rang, that I answered her emails quickly, that I told her about my day even when there was nothing to say. I didn't know how to explain in words what she meant, because I didn't really know the words that would mean it precisely enough.

You have to see if you can find a way to trust that he is in the relationship for reasons that are good for you both, and in that respect words are not always the best indicator.
 
He also would not believe promises. Words become empty things when you can't trust they mean what they say.

I rely on words, I use them a lot (you can tell that?!), so I demand of myself and of others, that words are used with precision. If they are not, I get totally lost, like driving in Italy with a map of Wisconsin.




You're welcome, but explore the ideas and suggestions to see if they fit. For example, I suggested that while you are looking to be loved, cared for, desired, and to be drawn to him, he may be looking for safety, warmth and sanity instead, and this might seem rather one-sided and selfish of him. But imagine if all his life he has struggled to cope with abuse because he is different, or perceived as weak and an easy target, has felt out in the cold and isolated, has known he doesn't fit in and never known why, and imagine that your relationship represents how all that hurt can be suddenly and inexplicably made good.... then his needs are not much different than yours, and you are valued for all that you bring into his life.

That was me in my relationship. My wife sheltered me from a victimised history and gave me safety from it, warmth and hope. I had no way to tell her that, even though I'm probably quite eloquent. I made sure that I was there when the phone rang, that I answered her emails quickly, that I told her about my day even when there was nothing to say. I didn't know how to explain in words what she meant, because I didn't really know the words that would mean it precisely enough.

You have to see if you can find a way to trust that he is in the relationship for reasons that are good for you both, and in that respect words are not always the best indicator.

I have to learn to not be so focused on ‘myself’ and how ‘I’ need to communicate and learn to make allowances for how Mr AS is trying to communicate his love and care to me. Seems not so revolutionary, actually seems like something I should have learned twenty some years ago...in dealing with anyone of any neurological typing in any relationship.

and also, sad as it is, it IS revolutionary to me, to actually take someone at their word, when he says something he means it, period, there is no hidden meaning or agenda, he is not lying to me, I can actually take it at face value, and frankly there is an adjustment period for just that alone.
 
sorry but that's crap !strong independent doesn't mean you are heartless !look at Jesus Christ crucified !unimaginable pain !The description of his body after it had been scourged was you could see down to the bones of his spine and legs imagine being able to walk when your body is in that state but he still said father why have you abandoned me !it's just something every living creature needs!in Gethsemane he said to God if there is another way to save people basically please do it !strong and independent as he was he still said that .I think I'm strong and independent but I still always pray let the cats come with me when I die it's just natural to be like that .
I can't imagine how terrible it is for autistic children who are non-verbal and haven't managed to communicate feeling trapped and alone .

Thanks for calling me on my crap Streetwise :) You are right, strong and independent does not mean heartless <3
 
AO1501 said "You have to see if you can find a way to trust that he is in the relationship for reasons that are good for you both, and in that respect words are not always the best indicator." Wow did this resonate with me. Thank you so much. Maybe, just maybe, he's still in 32 months later because I have provided that which I thought I'd failed to do. So THANK YOU.
 

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