Thinking I have Asperger's

[Robby]

Hi I need some advice I think I might have Asperger's Syndrome and need ideas about what to do. I am 32, still live at home. I am an only child. I have not been told or diagnosed that I have autism or asperger's but the more I have looked into it the more it seems to fit me. I have pretty severe social anxiety, I don't do well at all with crowds or unknown people, and it's VERY hard for me to start conversations or to think of what to say sometimes. This has been the case since I can remember, probably 3rd or 4th grade. I was very withdrawn and shy in middle and high schools. I was also dealing with accepting my sexuality and being gay, and was bullied a lot in school. I still have ptsd from that. In high school it got so bad that instead of going to school and socializing I faked illnesses just so I could say home and watch soap operas which I became obsessed with. My grades were very bad and I barely graduated high school. I could never focus or learn things that I wasn't interested in. It just doesn't work.

I have been told I have average to above average intelligence but that doesn't mean much because I have trouble functioning. I have come to terms and accepting my sexual orientation, but I am having lots of problems. I spend my days watching old classic movies or on my computer or shopping for things. I tend to have a few very strong random interests like geology, history, astronomy, that nobody much my age gets. I could probably talk about these things with some of the best minds but yet I don't have the education to back it up.

I have seen a couple of psychiatrists. The first one thought I was bipolar, which I don't agree with, the other says I have ptsd and anxiety. He wants me on Lexapro for anxiety but I am scared to take it. I have a phobia about psychiatric drugs for some reason. I have never mentioned Asperger's or autism to my doctors but reading some of the posts here, they seem to describe me to the letter!

As far as work, I have never in my life held a real steady stable job for an extended period of time. I am decent on interviews sometimes, so I get an offer, but then I get too scared to actually start the job and would just rather stay home in my comfort zone on my computer or where I feel safe. I am hypersensitive to people's reactions around me and always trying to read their faces for what they're thinking if I think someone is making fun of me or something I get really upset and just want to retreat and shut down. A lot of people might think that being at home on the computer and watching tv would mean they're depressed, and granted I do wish I had a job to go to and could be self sufficient but home is like my comfort zone I just don't do well around people at all if I feel stared at or judged I just shut down.

Many jobs seem to require lots of personal contact and I have a lot of problems with this and with learning new things quickly. I am very good at certain things but if I feel pushed or forced I shut down. The thought of working around a lot of people or doing things I feel I can't handle makes me terrified and just rather stay home. I'm so frustrated about this.

I really want to be independent my parents are older and won't be around forever what should I do? My goal for now is to somehow find a job and get the courage to follow through and actually go if I get another offer. But I am so scared of being outside my comfort zone or being judged. What can I do? I am going to see my psychiatrist again in a couple days. How does a diagnosis happen? Thanks a lot for listening.

 

[Robby]

I also get these involuntary ticks where I have to say random noises out loud to relieve tension. When I am around people and can't do it, I rub my hands together violently instead of saying the things. I also get these periodic obsessions for no reason that come and go. Sometimes, I'll be very interested in volcanoes, other times astronomy, other times, pop culture and it just alternates. I have been told that I don't have much common sense which I think is true. I have a lot of trouble with certain basic things and understanding certain things but yet when it comes to my appearance I am very meticulous and always dress to the nines even when going to the store. I am also a neat freak. I just wonder if the doctors telling me I had anxiety or a mental illness all this time was wrong and I really have asperger's.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Definitely got some anxiety and OCD going on, and I'd definitely put Asperger's on the Strong Maybe list. Do you have sensory issues? Like, trouble driving at night due to headlight glare, smelling things other can't, possibly being a very picky eater due to texture or taste, devout dislike of tags on clothing beyond the usual dislike everybody has of them, and other such things? Some are fortunate to be on the spectrum and not have abnormal sensory sensitivities, but that's my worst symptom.

 

[Robby]

I definitely agree I have anxiety and ocd. Im sure the medication could help me with that if I could get the courage to take it! I have these quirks that I literally cannot stand and I want things a certain way and if they aren't I get really upset and just go into shutdown mode. for instance I don't like a lot of bright light it really bothers me I have to wear tinted glasses because of that and I don't like places where the blinds arent at least partly drawn. I also am very sensitive to sudden loud noises they really annoy me and make me want to shutdown. Like sirens, dogs barking, sudden shrill sharp noises. I do have a very sensitive nose and smells bother me if things don't smell how I consider clean and fresh I want to get out of the situation. I notice random things most people probably don't. In the summer time if I am out and feel the least bit hot I have to just be home where I can feel the cold air blowing on me.

Im somewhat of a picky eater I guess if I like something I like it if not then I don't touch it. But the main things are being somewhere dirty or loud noises or bright lights those make me shut down, and also crowds and I avoid malls and anyplace with large crowds I feel really overstimulated. Does this sound like aspergers? Should I ask my doctor about this?

 

[Robby]

I talked to my primary doctor about it she said she doesn't think I have aspergers but she admitted she is no expert in the field. My gut says I do. It just all adds up. But do aspies know they have it on their own without someone telling them? Like I am 32 now, an adult, and was never diagnosed or anything as a child. Ive always been very very socially awkward and shy in social situations. Around people I know, Im mostly ok, but sometimes I have trouble keeping a conversation going. Im going to ask the psychiatrist I am seeing about it. I know in school I had a huge problem academically. I never could seem to focus and absorb information unless it was one of my obsessions. Maybe it's just social anxiety/add I don't know. But why am I obsessed with things and random numbers and patterns and stuff? How do I get diagnosed? The reason is because my life is pretty bad in a lot of ways I don't have a job nor I have ever had one I am 32 years old. I live at home and although I am contented by my surroundings in many ways I am an adult child, I also want to be independent very badly. But I don't know how to get there.

 

[zurb]

If you are still at the researching stage, I highly recommend reading Tony Attwood's Complete Guide to Aspergers.
I also recommend Aspergirls (ignore the title - most of it applies to guys too IMHO)

 

[Robby]

I had a good meeting with my psychiatric nurse today I told him a lot about what I've been going through and stuff he said he felt I may have Asperger's or be on the autism spectrum he said it would fit with my having anxiety for many years my problems with socializing and people in general, and my issues with obsessions and not knowing how to function as an adult. So he wants me to continue the Lexapro for anxiety and I'm seeing a psychologist soon he wants me to see her and get help with learning life skills. He said she will test me and I guess tell me one way or another if I have Aspergers or autism. I'm looking forward to meeting with her maybe I can finally get some ideas about how to cope better.

 

[Stik]

I'm finding that I relate to your post quite a bit. I, too, think I have Aspergers but haven't been diagnosed. I have tried, but no one lets me talk long enough to explain why. A lot of times I would just get too anxious and I'd forget what I wanted to say. For the last person I saw I had made a document up of why I think so but my nerves got me and I was too scared to share. I think I'm scared that I don't have it because I don't want the simple explanation of why I am the way I am to go away.

I used to have a lot of issues with anxiety. I had many attacks which I'm now thinking could be from aspergers because my attacks wouldn't quite fit the description of a panic attack. Anyway, I joined this group that my doctor suggested for anxiety and it has completely changed me. It was only a twelve session group but it was very helpful. The group leader had us write down our top fears or things that caused anxiety. Then we rated them from really bad to not so bad. She had us write down the best and worst things that could happen and assigned homework to expose ourselves to these anxieties. Most of us found that the worst thing that could happen was not completely unmanageable. My first exposure was calling to order pizza. I would starve before I would call for pizza in the past but now I don't even hesitate. I learned a lot of helpful skills during that group. Since anxiety seems like to be an issue for you, maybe you can find something similar to do. I didn't know I had aspergers during this group.

With anxiety at a manageable level my doctor really started really working on my depression. Nothing is helping and he keeps trying new things. I currently take Paxil and Wellbutrin at the highest recommended dose. It has helped keep the anxiety under control, but nothing is helping my depression. I think it's deeper and my doctor won't go the aspergers route even though I've suggested it.

At this point I just really want a support group. This forum is great but I'd like to talk to someone in person that knows about it and listens to me. I want to discuss my childhood and how I keep having these "aha!" Moments now that I know about aspergers. I want to talk to someone who can see things like I do so I don't have to explain all the time.

I'm happy you're having better luck with your doctor. Maybe one day mine will say I was right all along. Don't give up, from what you wrote it seems that it's likely ... According to the research I have done. It's my current obsession

 

[Robby]

It's really hard. I do well with people I know and trust but even that is pushing it. I just don't like being around people for any length of time. What's really worrying me is finding a job and being able to keep it. How does one actually get diagnosed as an adult? Does a psychologist have to test you and then just tell you you have it? There is a vocational rehab place where I live for people with various disabilities who want to work but they require you to have proof of disability first. I already have hearing problems and social anxiety, so there's that, but I strongly feel asperger's is the root of all my issues. I see the psychologist in a few weeks for an initial meeting and then I guess she'll do testing.

 

[Robby]

Another thing I have major problems with besides people is things like feeling pressure or if I have too much going on at once I tend to want to bail or shut down. I can function great if I feel I am managing myself but if I am pressured I hate it. I am so uncomfortable around people a lot it just sucks. I am 32 now and really hope I can find a job and get some type of independence. I have so many hangups like bright lights, hot stuffy rooms, sharp noises, or things like that or even people talking to each other things like that really bother me but if it's one or two people being nice to me and I feel I can handle it I can do great! I will be seeing a psychologist I hope she can help me figure out some life skills I badly need.