There any good reasons to find a wife in these times?

[Wolfnox]

I’ve seen a lot and read a lot. And frankly it’s depressing concerning marriage. But, I wanted to hear from the community on it.
Your experiences and what you know.

 

[saturnv]

What are you hearing that is negative about marriage? Marrying my wife was the best move I ever made. She is my best friend.

I think having a well-matched partner is great, but I suspect that having a bad match is much worse than no spouse. Maybe that is what you are hearing about.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Well, from the perspective of someone who has been with the same woman for 37+ years, all I can say is we are entering an era in our society where there there is a breakdown in so-called "traditional family values". There's blame to be shared all around, but overall, it's a combination of selfishness, narcissism, a lack of communication skills, a lack of respect, fear-based controlling behaviors, a judicial system that rewards one person and destroys another, and causes a lot of psychological trauma for everyone involved, especially if there are children. Throughout time, there have always been examples of "bad behavior" from one, the other, or both partners. Our grandparents and great grandparents experienced this, as well.

However, only some couples experience any of this. Some have it all figured out, but having said that, it takes two with a desire to learn about each other, with respect, even if there are disagreements. HOW we communicate is so critical. Emotional outbursts during critical communication is so destructive. Disagreements WILL happen. It's inevitable, but how a couple deals with it, an emotional argument, or a calm, logical, respectful discussion will determine the outcome of the relationship. All it takes is one to ruin it.

Two people walking the same path, working as one, is a beautiful thing. Having two people with different skill sets is recommended, in my opinion. To work as a team, two people leaning on each other, balanced, making one good person, on a journey through life,...that is an amazing thing.

 

[Hypnalis]

These are definitely difficult times for pair-bonding - arguably the worst ever, thanks to the extra push from social media. But also things seem to be changing already (broadly speaking, due to issues with supply and demand).

Unless you're in a hurry, I'd suggest waiting a couple of years and keeping a close eye on developments.
OTOH the "cycle time" seems to be 5-10 years. Review and adjust your plans often

Something related but orthogonal to think about: two different Social Science models that are consistent with different "sides" in the Culture Wars:

Standard social science model - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Check the table with the "Standard Social Science Model" on the left, and the "Integrated Model" on the right.

And compare line three of the table with this:

Social constructionism - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Note that there are aspects of "social reality" that are constructs, but a lot of people misuse the concept to sell falsehoods. Ghost anyone who does that even once.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I would hope two people do not married out of some expectations of some social construct, but out of some desire to walk the same path through life. Love for each other is not enough, so respect, trust, responsibility, accountability, and social skills are critical. Not everyone is cut out for marriage, despite the desire. Being a parent falls under the same category. Not everyone has the skill set.

 

[Forest Cat]

I think finding/meeting a life companion is always good. It's nice to have someone to share life and everything with. But that's just me, others may feel very differently. For me getting married is a very positive thing. I want that stability and being there for someone. I was about to get married years ago but unfortunately it just didn't work out.

It's very common here for people to not get married and just live like they are married. They just move in together, have kids and live together. So getting married isn't really necessary, people can just move in together and have a big party if they want to. Pretty much the same thing. Personally I like the wedding ritual, people celebrating and all that. It's a nice ritual.

 

[Judge]

Let's just say I give little thought to marriage compared to love and long-term companionship.

One amounts to a social and legal gesture, while the other has considerably more significance IMO.

 

[Aspychata]

Definitely agree, l just am upping my communication game, and that is so important. If a relationship or marriage will work out in the scheme of things. Marriage is a badge of sorts to many. Perhaps you need to understand what that represents to you? What does marriage mean? I am hesitant to re-marry.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Let's just say I give little thought to marriage compared to love and long-term companionship.

One amounts to a social and legal gesture, while the other has considerably more significance IMO.

Well, it's easy to say these things until the worst happens, someone is in the hospital, a death occurs, there is an estate to settle, insurance beneficiaries, advanced directives, etc. "Are you family, or friend?" If you are a "friend" (an unmarried partner), you may be asked to sit in the waiting room, and frankly, you have no rights to anything. You're left out in the cold as if you were never a part of this person's life. If you are a spouse, you can sit with your partner and give them love and support to the very end. As an unmarried partner, you don't get a say in the outcome during a health crisis. There's a bit more to this than some sort of social and legal gesture. Even renting a car on vacation, a spouse may be allowed to be another driver, where am unmarried partner is not. Whether you are heterosexual or homosexual couple, there are a lot of benefits to being legally married over being loving life partners.

 

[Judge]

Well, it's easy to say these things until the worst happens, someone is in the hospital, a death occurs, there is an estate to settle,

Easy to say? You're preaching to the choir, with my having to deal with all those considerations.

I was the legally designated Trustee of a family living trust. Having the duty to spend nearly two years to settle a complex inheritance between myself and my brother, who merely had to stand back and hold his hands open and say, "Gimmee".

You don't have to be married or a couple to have to struggle with being an executor or a trustee or even a full-time caregiver to their elderly mother. And that in settling such estates alone self can be a deeply lonely, exhausting and thankless experience.

 

[Hypnalis]

The economics of a formal marriage have changed a lot over the last 50 years.

This will change, but it's a slow process. In the meantime, people on normal incomes are vulnerable.

 

[SeanF]

Well, it's easy to say these things until the worst happens, someone is in the hospital, a death occurs, there is an estate to settle, insurance beneficiaries, advanced directives, etc. "Are you family, or friend?" If you are a "friend" (an unmarried partner), you may be asked to sit in the waiting room, and frankly, you have no rights to anything. You're left out in the cold as if you were never a part of this person's life. If you are a spouse, you can sit with your partner and give them love and support to the very end. As an unmarried partner, you don't get a say in the outcome during a health crisis. There's a bit more to this than some sort of social and legal gesture. Even renting a car on vacation, a spouse may be allowed to be another driver, where am unmarried partner is not. Whether you are heterosexual or homosexual couple, there are a lot of benefits to being legally married over being loving life partners.

I agree with both of you. I realize I am imposing my thoughts onto someone else's reply, so I may be way off. But I think Judge just means that the priority of thought is given to the much weightier issue of how to maintain relationship with the one you are married to. We all know people who are married, legally they have a governmentally assigned document to prove their union, but they are not, in reality, even friends. Of course Neonatal has an excellent point about the legality issues, and those are all certainly legitimate concerns. But I liked the way Judge shifted the conversation away from the governmental construct of marriage, and instead focused on the quality of that marriage to your long-term partner. Again, sorry if I over-stepped. I just valued both perspectives and actually think you are both in agreement. : )

 

[Judge]

Of course Neonatal has an excellent point about the legality issues, and those are all certainly legitimate concerns.

Personally I would never attempt to marginalize estate law considerations over marital status alone. We single people can and do have uphill battles every bit as married persons do in this respect. What I considered a "personal nightmare" in my own case. A task that had to be completed with no choice in the matter.

However when it comes to the dynamics of dissolution, there's a point to be made. All the ugly things that can and do happen between a failure of matrimony or palimony. However relative to the original post, it does bring into consideration reasons to avoid such relationships where financial interests can get "complicated".

 

[SeanF]

Personally I would never attempt to marginalize estate law considerations over marital status alone. We single people can and do have uphill battles every bit as married persons do in this respect.

However when it comes to the dynamics of dissolution, there's a point to be made. All the ugly things that can and do happen between a failure of matrimony or palimony. However relative to the original post, it does bring into consideration reasons to avoid relationships where financial interests can get "complicated".

Got it. I misread your response a bit with the unwarranted assumption, on my end, that you were married and speaking into the idea of where a person's real focus should be. I understand what you mean now. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

 

[Judge]

Got it. I misread your response a bit with the unwarranted assumption, on my end, that you were married and speaking into the idea of where a person's real focus should be. I understand what you mean now. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

No problem. Nope, I've never been married. Yet I've experienced similar responsibilities with a divorcee with a child, as a caregiver to my mother and as a legal trustee of an estate.

None of which were "easy" for me to do, let alone talk about. That one doesn't need a wedding ring to make a bond with ethical and sometimes legal implications and obligations which can be a nightmare at times.

 

[DaisyRose]

A lot of people are choosing to not get married these days. Marriage has changes over the years and has a different meaning. I think it’s better to get married in your 30s, which is what people are doing now.

 

[Wolfnox]

Not everyone is cut out for marriage, despite the desire.

Still try to figure that out on my end. I’ve seen that life from the outside. From marriage to kids to spouse arguments and abuse toward each other. Lies and fighting. I was around a lot of it and heard a lot of it.
A lot of horrible stuff happened. It destroyed some people’s lives both man and woman.
I feel that need but, the alternative from what I’ve seen is worse.

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe don't set out to find a wife, maybe set out to find your partner to enjoy life together. That way you have a greater chance of success. Marriage is a legal contract, and if you don't get married, you could each get power of attorney for each other perhaps?

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I’ve seen a lot and read a lot. And frankly it’s depressing concerning marriage. But, I wanted to hear from the community on it.
Your experiences and what you know.

Make a friend and go from there. Build on friendship. If what you're reading is on the internet, I'd say there are a lot of online "experts" who make money from telling us how to live. What you need to know is out your front door.

 

[Au Naturel]

Children are why marriage matters. Everything else is small potatoes.

Marriage also makes it more likely that two people will try to weather a storm rather than split when the first rough weather comes along. But not everyone. Quite a few people don't think a contract means anything. They will cheat and/or break up regardless of a contract or the existence of children.

It used to be difficult to divorce, but today it can be done just by one party without any determination of fault.

Marriage creates community property in some US states. If the right promises are made, community property is created just by living together - "palimony." Live together for seven years, and you're married under the common law, even without a ceremony.

Marriage, the religious institution, is not the same as a marriage, the civil partnership. You may have religious reasons to want to marry.