Theory on Small Talk

[AsheSkyler]

I have a theory on why some of us don't enjoy small talk.

Obviously, the main dislike for many is that small talk is highly focused on your social skills and socializing tends to not be our strong point. Many find it pointless and useless, and arguably at best its function is to bond with another human being so that they are likely to help you in the future should you need it. That's a given.

So how many of you hate small talk because it's boring and predictable and not worth the spoons to engage in it? Or that it's just way too shallow and needs a bit more depth?

I've noticed on a lot of forums regarding various interests I have, I hesitate to make small talk or start a thread because I already know how it'll pan out and don't want to waste the time to verify it and hope it'll go differently. Say for example, a question of "do you like dogs", you're probably going to have most people say they like dogs, a few who don't and likely due to shedding, chewing, or bad breath, you might get one that's gaga for dogs, and maybe a loony that claims dogs are demon spawn. Same principals in person. If you try to narrow the question about asking about a specific breed, odds are the person you're talking to will nod and smile and say they used to own that breed or their friend does, they may have a mild dislike of it, and if they don't know the breed then they'll just give you a confused smile and stay quiet. That's it. No depth, end of discussion. You could hold a better conversation with one of those Magic 8 Balls.

And that's just your average person. If you talk to a person who is... uh, ahem, "intellectually challenged", you're likely to end up confused or frustrated. (Like asking Mrs. 80 mph a mathematical question.) If they are rather intelligent, you might get a more in-depth conversation, but then you run the risk of talking with a close-minded elitist, and that's just as frustrating as the previous example because you're still just talking at a wall. Or in the latter case, the wall is prattling off a few facts and heavy opinions on how everybody else is wrong for not agreeing with them and you can't get a reply in or try to steer the conversation to more interesting territories.

Some times you'll luck out and get somebody (smart, dumb, or average) who's got a great personality, open to both a little learning and a little teaching, and likely has a sense of humor. I have had very satisfying conversations before with old farmers talking about bean sprouts, food, and the weather, and also some satisfying quick exchanges of 2-3 sentences with strangers at the store when browsing for the same item.

I know most of you actually enjoy small talk a bit, I've seen lots of little chit chat around here.
But it's interesting chit chat! Most of our banter doesn't end at "oh, that's nice" or "not for me", and thankfully it doesn't go into a ten-page essay per reply (like how this first post is turning out to be) unless it's worth it like with some of the more serious discussions. In ratio to time spent on other forums, I've started a lot more threads here than elsewhere because even the chatter is interesting.

Anywho, who all finds small talk either too boring and predictable to engage in, or perhaps needing to go just a few clicks deeper to be worth engaging in even if it's still considered small talk?

 

[Beverly]

People define small talk differently. What is small talk to you may not be small talk to me. I don't find topics I consider small talk to be worth the spoons, I CAN do it but, it's a boring waste of air.

 

[NTgirl4276]

I've seen lots of little chit chat around here.
But it's interesting chit chat! Most of our banter doesn't end at "oh, that's nice" or "not for me"...
Anywho, who all finds small talk either too boring and predictable to engage in, or perhaps needing to go just a few clicks deeper to be worth engaging in even if it's still considered small talk?

This resonates really strongly with me. In general, I abhor chit chat because I find it to be a ritualistic waste of time. When most people (a.k.a. people who are not really in my life, but sort of just orbit around its periphery) ask me, "How are you?" I answer, "Fine." I know that they're not really interested in the details, and they know that I'm not really "fine."

But, with the beloved humans in my life, I don't mind chit chat at all because I don't really consider it "chit chat." When I ask my friends how they are: 1) I genuinely care about the answer, and they know that I'm really asking; and 2) it becomes interesting and substantive almost immediately.

Maybe it's because there's a legitimate relationship there and already established? So even the seemingly banal comments are positioned in a meaningful, relational context. Either that, or I just choose to surround myself with interesting, provocative people

.... In writing this post, I'm realizing I define "chit chat" in terms of relationships. I guess I reserve "chit chat" as a term for ritual communication, lacking substance, with people with whom I don't have close relational ties.

 

[Nitro]

I learned to play the silly game in order to do business with the world. I have always learned from observation,to be able to identify small nuances and join in on their banter. You gain their confidence by playing the role they want you to. I was very introverted when I was younger and did not know the game,but broke out of my shell at about age 16 when cash became involved. That raised the stakes to be able to converse in small talk. The truth of the matter is that I dislike many people and could give a rat's azz about how they actually are feeling.I took that short test for alexithymia and scored very high in lack of emotional expression. So as it looks,I am prewired to be an uncaring and emotionally unaware kind of guy

When someone asks me how I am doing,I always reply "do you want the truth,or what you want to hear?" when they reply the truth,I usually say I am lovely...just lovely I taught myself sarcasm too

 

[AsheSkyler]

People define small talk differently. What is small talk to you may not be small talk to me. I don't find topics I consider small talk to be worth the spoons, I CAN do it but, it's a boring waste of air.

Probably so. The dictionary says "non-controversial stuff" or "light, non-formal conversations", so I defaulted to farming. That only becomes controversial when one farmer needs lots of rain to make good crops and the other needs lots of dry weather to make good crops.

Dictionary definition does leave it way too vague. There are lots of "non-controversial" subjects that can be rather fulfilling to discuss. Which leaves me scratching my head what the depth difference is between conversation and idle talk.

This resonates really strongly with me. In general, I abhor chit chat because I find it to be a ritualistic waste of time. When most people (a.k.a. people who are not really in my life, but sort of just orbit around its periphery) ask me, "How are you?" I answer, "Fine." I know that they're not really interested in the details, and they know that I'm not really "fine."

But, with the beloved humans in my life, I don't mind chit chat at all because I don't really consider it "chit chat." When I ask my friends how they are: 1) I genuinely care about the answer, and they know that I'm really asking; and 2) it becomes interesting and substantive almost immediately.

Maybe it's because there's a legitimate relationship there and already established? So even the seemingly banal comments are positioned in a meaningful, relational context. Either that, or I just choose to surround myself with interesting, provocative people

.... In writing this post, I'm realizing I define "chit chat" in terms of relationships. I guess I reserve "chit chat" as a term for ritual communication, lacking substance, with people with whom I don't have close relational ties.

I find "where to draw the line" to be the question that follows me around everywhere, this topic included. "How are you" has become some odd way of saying "hello" with "fine, how are you" to be the friendly acknowledgment and greeting. Relationship status would make it much easier to define chit chat. Heh, knowing me I'd then be asking what's so special about the "how are you" for the cashier who's been at your grocery store for a year that bags your groceries just so versus the new kid since neither is really your friend and just professional acquaintances at best.

 

[Beverly]

Nitro Yeah money does tend to make that small talk worth a few spoons. Only reason I will do it and, pretend to like it.

"How are you?" in any of it's variations, to me is a pointless question. They don't want to hear anything but "fine, good, doing well." and for you to ask them the same so they can listen to themselves talk. I just reply "Fair and you?" BORING.

A lot of non controversial things can be interesting to discuss. I don't consider those thing small talk. You can agree and still find the conversation worthwhile and interesting.

 

[Warmheart]

Smalltalk reveals & enhances the buffoonery of my social befuddlement.

 

[Nitro]

I actually deal with the public quite well and have broken the stereotype of being introverted. I have always loved to play with my scams as I call them in search of the almighty dollar. I made a few adjustments to myself and bent towards the way people expect to be treated. As a vendor,one must put them self in the place of the customer and deliver what you would expect for yourself. I desire a sales person who understands their product and truthfully explains the both positive and negative reasons I may or may not like it. I bought a lot of material for the machineshop and had inside information on the price of metals and plastics. I could see the trends of what the costs were going to be and would put in extra stock when the prices were lower. We did a lot of production work that paid the bills,so there was always a use for what I purchased. I remember loads of aluminum that weighed 5,000 plus pounds to get a better discount that would come in weekly. One of the major users of aluminum was for custom fitted aluminum race horse shoes that were CNC milled and delivered in lots of 100 of four to six different sized each week. The profit margin on each shoe was about $8 and the machine was fully automated,only requiring a part change about once an hour,so the actual labor costs were spread out across the shop with operators who would change them while they waited for the machine they were assigned to to finish the operation they were being paid for.I sat and calculated the material usage to avoid waste we call drops,material that is too small to make a full part to keep waste to a minimum. The drops were used for other projects,one being the dragracing alternator relocating brackets that were sold to that industry. Everything but the squeal applied to that gig,and of course it was fully automated as well. The horseshoes,which are used at the Kentucky Derby and the triple crown circuit were a big deal,steady work,and money in any quantity still boosted the profit margin of the shop.To sell a product,you first have to sell yourself,so that is where the gift of gab is crucial to success

 

[Beverly]

Definitely Nitro and, to sell yourself and your product, you have got to be able to read the customer and shift gears to present the image they want to buy quickly. Very much things TPTB claim we aspies are bad at. Hrmph! might have taken you and me both more effort and concentration, and a lot of memorizing and analyzing to do it but, we can do it, and do it well. We aren't the only ones, that are small talk/people experts. I know a few other Aspies that excel socially and, have the knack for making the world love the image they sell.

Still just because I'm good at it doesn't mean I enjoy it. For me it's a means to an end, a part of my job, not something I care to do for the sake of doing it. Small talk is pointless and insincere, I don't want to bond with people every time I turn around so, no reason for it. Yes I banter with friend, but it's more what is happening, what we are interested in or, world events that impact our lives, not idle chatter about topics neither of us have any reason to care about in the least.

 

[Nitro]

I agree that it is a pain in the ass,but it just flows naturally now and I don't let it bother me.

As some here are well aware,I like to tell a lot of jokes and have a massive archive to choose from. Telling jokes always breaks the ice and sets the controls to fun and interesting. If you can make someone smile,you have made a connection and the serious part of the conversation can begin on a positive note. The archive has enough information in it that allows me to keep going for up to three hours.I was once asked to stop by an entire tavern because they hurt too much from laughing. My mind makes pictorial presentations that can daisy chain many jokes together by visual cues from one to the next. It is a tough concept for many to understand,including myself.

 

[BlueConundrum]

I like small talk most of the time, but I think that's because I figured it out in some way and I can manage it. There are some people who like to talk and talk and talk and talk and they aren't actually saying anything. I don't know how to explain it and I can't give an example, but sometimes I get roped into a conversation with someone who talks a lot but says very little. It makes me anxious.

I do recognize that small talk can be boring or annoying, but I absolutely detest when someone skips over small talk. For instance, there is this guy I used to know, and we would have IM conversations sometimes. He would say "Hey, how are you?" And I would say "Fine, how are you?" He would IMMEDIATELY launch into everything that was going on in his life. He's bipolar and would always say "Oh, I'm manic today" or he would mention some health problem. Even though I did genuinely care, I found his timing very off-putting. I have my own issues but I wouldn't bring them up in that fashion. I feel like we have a script to follow until a certain point in the conversation (even with friends), and once you reach that point you can feel free to talk about more specific things or personal things, but if you deviate from the script too early, it's disorienting. For me, at least.

My main problem with small talk is that people often don't say what they mean, or they talk about friendly topics they don't care about, but I do like that it gives you an opportunity to ease into a conversation.

 

[Progster]

I think the reason I find smalltalk boring is because I don't learn anything new from it. If I don't learn anything from the conversation, I don't find it interesting. I also find it hard to talk about things which hold no interest for me. I don't follow sports or popular culture, so I don't have much to say on many subjects that people like to talk about. Also, I don't like the way people talk just for the sake of talking, when actually, they don't have anything to say. I find this very tiring, because I am forced to talk back to them and really, I'd much rather be silent rather than have that kind of conversation. I'm an introverted person by nature and I only speak when I have something of interest to say, or when I need to communicate. There seems to be some kind of social rule that if you are with someone, you must be talking, and this makes it very tiring for me to be with people. I don't see why people can't enjoy each other's company in silence. It's also the reason why I can enjoy doing activities with people, but not just sitting around talking. When engaged in an activity, the conversation is more practical in nature, based round the activity and not small talk.

I also tend to want to make a light chatty conversation into a more serious, in-depth one, when that isn't always what the other person wants. If I were asked if I liked dogs, for example, I would start telling you about the breeds I've had experience with, I'd tell you that I like Akitas and why I like Akitas, how different breeds have different personalities having being bred for very different purposes, etc, and titbits of information I've picked up from various sources over the years. If they asked me the question purely for the sake of making conversation, I may bore them by giving too much detail. They'll get tired and go away. If they asked out of a genuine interest in the subject, then I'll have an interesting and informative conversation with them.

If I try to talk about a subject which interests me such as music, the conversation peters out very quickly because I rarely find anyone with a similar taste in music with me - they don't know my music and perhaps don't like it, whereas I don't listen to theirs. The same happens with TV shows, films, etc.

 

[AsheSkyler]

There are some people who like to talk and talk and talk and talk and they aren't actually saying anything.

You have met Data then?

(If I could find a clip with him and Commander Hutchinson gabbing away, it'd be much more fitting...)

 

[BlueConundrum]

You have met Data then?

(If I could find a clip with him and Commander Hutchinson gabbing away, it'd be much more fitting...)

Oh goodness, I absolutely adore you in this moment because I have always identified with Data for doing things like this. I would do things like this when I was younger. I think I'm over it now, but I get it. I really do. Data FOREVER.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Usually when people talk to me it's only to find out things like what grade I'm in (although I'm not in school), if I have a job, how many siblings I have, and sometimes what my birth order is. That's small talk to me - just talk about labels that have nothing to do with who I am as a person, yet people think they're "getting to know me," and that's why I hate it so much. I've heard people say small talk is an "art" that leads to deeper conversation, but I have yet to see that demonstrated as most people stop talking to me when they find that I don't have the labels they want (the fact that I'm not in school is apparently a huge turnoff). Kind of like being disqualified from a survey. And sometimes I get really fed up with it and give snarky answers instead of the cookie-cutter response people expect, so then they don't know how to handle me.
So basically I find small talk (or my definition of it) superficial, boring, and completely pointless.