Since my diagnosis, I've become a lot more self-aware, and have recognised that I have internalised meltdowns pretty regularly. A couple of years ago when I was in therapy, we talked about this and my therapist (mis-)identified it as an effect of depression.
It's all very hidden and private, because I learned long before diagnosis that this wasn't NT-acceptable behaviour. When doing a #2 below, if I exit too quickly/urgently, just that has provided some people I know the chance to mock me for it.
Anyway... due to being hidden it takes three forms for me:
1) The curl-up-tight/foetal meltdown - this happens when I'm by myself and something (anything overstimulating, past or present) has pushed me to the breaking point and I can't continue to function normally. This kind passes by like a thunderstorm in a few minutes.
2) The panic-meltdown - this happens when I'm in a public situation and am near the breaking point, but I know there's a bathroom or quiet corner somewhere. I make some excuse and rush to whatever quiet place and collapse as best I can given the physical space. This usually ends in tears of frustration at being like this and having to hide it, after which I put myself together and go pretend like everything's fine.
3) The imagined classic meltdown - this happens when I'm in a public situation and know that there's no way I'm going to make it to any kind of a quiet alone space -- but still am at the breaking point. Instead, I stand there (or sit), put my "hi I'm normal" face on (though I'm sure I look spaced-out to others), and intensely imagine having a full-on private meltdown... as in, I can feel the floor on my right side, and feel my arms holding each other, and feel my eyes close (even though they're not), etc.
I wondered if anyone recognises #2 and 3, or if you experience this entirely differently in some way?
It's all very hidden and private, because I learned long before diagnosis that this wasn't NT-acceptable behaviour. When doing a #2 below, if I exit too quickly/urgently, just that has provided some people I know the chance to mock me for it.
Anyway... due to being hidden it takes three forms for me:
1) The curl-up-tight/foetal meltdown - this happens when I'm by myself and something (anything overstimulating, past or present) has pushed me to the breaking point and I can't continue to function normally. This kind passes by like a thunderstorm in a few minutes.
2) The panic-meltdown - this happens when I'm in a public situation and am near the breaking point, but I know there's a bathroom or quiet corner somewhere. I make some excuse and rush to whatever quiet place and collapse as best I can given the physical space. This usually ends in tears of frustration at being like this and having to hide it, after which I put myself together and go pretend like everything's fine.
3) The imagined classic meltdown - this happens when I'm in a public situation and know that there's no way I'm going to make it to any kind of a quiet alone space -- but still am at the breaking point. Instead, I stand there (or sit), put my "hi I'm normal" face on (though I'm sure I look spaced-out to others), and intensely imagine having a full-on private meltdown... as in, I can feel the floor on my right side, and feel my arms holding each other, and feel my eyes close (even though they're not), etc.
I wondered if anyone recognises #2 and 3, or if you experience this entirely differently in some way?
