When I was younger (think teenage years, college, and into my mid 20s perhaps) I knew I was a little bit different- didn't quite fit in. The thing is I kind of thought time would smooth everything out. That I would become more like other people and other people would become more like me.
To be blunt I thought people processed, saw, and thought about the world in a very similar manner to myself. That actually gave me a great bit of comfort with people. Allowed me to trust them much more. Feel more comfortable around them. The problem is my mind seemed to keep going in one direction while the rest of the world went in different direction.
As my 20s progressed I found myself lonelier and lonelier. I actually had a group of friends when I was an undergraduate. By the time I was in graduate school I was having a harder and harder time socializing. I remember one night at a bar with a group of fellow grad students, I just sat there. I realized I had nothing to say, and they basically had nothing to say to me. I was never invited out again after that night.
I was diagnosed as autistic two years ago. One would think this would provide comfort of a sort, explain things a little bit I suppose. But it made me feel tremendously lonely. I saw clearly for the first time how vast the chasm between myself and most people actually was. It is not like I was just asking out the right girl away from having a girlfriend. I was not the right party away from having a group of friends again. I was different and there was not much either side could do to bridge that gap.
I have been isolating to greater and greater degrees in my life since I graduated from college. In say my late 20s and early 30s I thought of it more as a temporary isolation- at least until I met the right people or whatever it might be. Now my isolation feels eternal.
Loneliness has been a constant companion of mine and my autism makes me feel like it is something I will never quite shake. I'll admit I have accepted a slightly diminished life- I will never have a ton of friends or a healthy social circle. I will never make much money. I will never have much of a career. I will never have kids. And my job opportunities are limited to jobs where I do not work with people very much. I have learned to part with these things, and I really do not even feel their absence anymore. I certainly feel I am asking a lot less out of life than most people and it honestly does not bother me at all anymore.
The one thing I haven't given up on is a romantic relationship. In my heart and in my soul, I know I am capable of a romantic relationship. Even though no one has ever given me the chance. I know I can still connect with other individuals in a one-on-one basis.
Love in many ways is my last real connection to the social world. Personally, I can think of no better thing to cling to unto the bitter end. Success, politics, power, money, theology, war, philosophy, science all mean nothing to me. I have left those aspects of the human condition to the rest of you. But I still ask and strive for love. At least from my perspective I am not sure I believe in anything else.
To be blunt I thought people processed, saw, and thought about the world in a very similar manner to myself. That actually gave me a great bit of comfort with people. Allowed me to trust them much more. Feel more comfortable around them. The problem is my mind seemed to keep going in one direction while the rest of the world went in different direction.
As my 20s progressed I found myself lonelier and lonelier. I actually had a group of friends when I was an undergraduate. By the time I was in graduate school I was having a harder and harder time socializing. I remember one night at a bar with a group of fellow grad students, I just sat there. I realized I had nothing to say, and they basically had nothing to say to me. I was never invited out again after that night.
I was diagnosed as autistic two years ago. One would think this would provide comfort of a sort, explain things a little bit I suppose. But it made me feel tremendously lonely. I saw clearly for the first time how vast the chasm between myself and most people actually was. It is not like I was just asking out the right girl away from having a girlfriend. I was not the right party away from having a group of friends again. I was different and there was not much either side could do to bridge that gap.
I have been isolating to greater and greater degrees in my life since I graduated from college. In say my late 20s and early 30s I thought of it more as a temporary isolation- at least until I met the right people or whatever it might be. Now my isolation feels eternal.
Loneliness has been a constant companion of mine and my autism makes me feel like it is something I will never quite shake. I'll admit I have accepted a slightly diminished life- I will never have a ton of friends or a healthy social circle. I will never make much money. I will never have much of a career. I will never have kids. And my job opportunities are limited to jobs where I do not work with people very much. I have learned to part with these things, and I really do not even feel their absence anymore. I certainly feel I am asking a lot less out of life than most people and it honestly does not bother me at all anymore.
The one thing I haven't given up on is a romantic relationship. In my heart and in my soul, I know I am capable of a romantic relationship. Even though no one has ever given me the chance. I know I can still connect with other individuals in a one-on-one basis.
Love in many ways is my last real connection to the social world. Personally, I can think of no better thing to cling to unto the bitter end. Success, politics, power, money, theology, war, philosophy, science all mean nothing to me. I have left those aspects of the human condition to the rest of you. But I still ask and strive for love. At least from my perspective I am not sure I believe in anything else.
