The idea of Family

[Magna]

"Your opinion of me is not my business".

^ I agree with this completely. The statement struck me because: 1) It's objectively true. 2) Think for a moment how in the age we're living in, that statement is very non-politically correct; in fact, today most people are taught the exact opposite untruth. 3) Because of 2), we're in a very sad state of affairs.

 

[SimonSays]

It is certainly true what @Suzette said... and only in the context of this particular thread was it questioned.

I agree with you, @Magna, that we are in a sad state of affairs when so many people are concerned with someone else's opinion. People seem to get offended more than ever, almost as if they're looking to find a reason to be, so that they have a reason to react and draw attention to themselves.

 

[Martha Ferris]

Oh I agree, but I think you may have misunderstood me here. Which is understandable given how long the OP was.

It is not their opinion of me that is the problem. What I'm trying to get at is... in attempting to be in relationship, I am often seen as somebody that I'm not, and so if I'm going to make it work, if it is in my power to do so, I wish to be seen as myself. The issue is that I notice when I'm not being understood, and now I'm in a sort of quandary. Do I just accept it when there may be something I can do? Do I just accept it because this is how it tends to be? Is there something I can learn about the way I'm interacting that might avoid a similar situation in the future? Or should I just give up on the idea of relationship altogether and be alone?

I often come to think the latter, but whether I am good at it or not, we are social creatures or at least we are meant to be. I feel like I'm meant to be involved with people and because there is a struggle in achieving that, it may come across as 'your opinion of me matters'. I can't tell you how many times that has been said to me. Just another example of the misunderstanding I experience.

How people view us is through their own perspectives and biases. People also see what they want to see. Strive to know who you are and to become the person you want to be. Establish your values and the standards upon which you want to live your life. Build on your strengths and minimize your weaknesses.
People will always have their opinions of you both good and bad based ON THEMSELVES. When we become the person that we like/love and respect the opinions of others cease to matter because we are living our truth and there is no greater freedom than that. Trying to live according to others standards just means we keep twisting ourselves into a pretzel and that is harmful to us. We deny ourselves.
You can make attempts to explain yourself but you must accept that others see you and your actions throught their own lens. You will have to decide, based on the situation, whether explaining yourself would do any good and go from there. People often don't listen to understand they listen to respond. Keep that in mind. So focus on being the person you want to be and know that others opinions of you are a reflection of the kind of people they are.

 

[SimonSays]

@Martha Ferris

It is not their opinion of me...

I like what you said, but you've also mistakenly picked up on my being primarily concerned with the way other people think of me. That makes it seem like I'm constantly saying things in the hope that their opinion will change. You even quoted my post which says at the beginning..."It is not their opinion of me that is the problem", which itself was me helping Suzette see that there had been a misunderstanding.

You have both highlighted the example of being misunderstood that I experience.

I do use a lot of words, especially when writing, and that makes it more likely that something could be misunderstood. I get that. Ironically, I believe less is more, and yet it is not always easy for me to be succinct.

I think the question is one of finding a balance. Being who I am while not concerned with how other people think about me, while still wanting connection/relationship with those same people. So I hope to be understood if it's possible, or just accepted for who I am, but if not, it's okay, I can accept it. I've been accepting it all my life.

I believe I'm reasonably articulate, and can explain things in a clear way, so because people see things through the filter of themselves, the mistake I may be making is to believe I might be able to provide them with a better filter sometimes.

Sometimes it's hard to describe what it's like not to have family to those who've always had family.

Having said that, I think everyone likes to be thought well of. I can be affected if I know someone thinks bad of me but they've got the wrong end of the stick. It doesn't mean I can't be myself unless they think well of me, and in most cases I wouldn't know anyway. But if I have to be around somebody, work with somebody, live with somebody, to me it makes sense that we get on if we can.

Where I live now I don't interact with anybody verbally. That's not exactly my choice, it just seems to have worked out that way, but it makes it easier for me to just be who I am without having to engage with people who have not understood that.

 

[Suzette]

I do use a lot of words, especially when writing, and that makes it more likely that something could be misunderstood. I get that. Ironically, I believe less is more, and yet it is not always easy for me to be succinct.

I don't know what it is like to interact with you in person. But you are most deffinately acticulate so, for in person interactions, not expressing yourself well isn't the problem.

But long passeges often contain multiple ideas within them, even if only one point is ultimately intended. That is true for everyones posts, not just yours. So, people will react or respond to that idea which resonates with them best.

If I am really trying to work through a problem I ignore posts that don't really apply to my point. That way my own thoughts don't get off track.

But whether your conversations are in person with other, or on the internet, one thing to consider is that the problem might not always be that you are misunderstood, but that you may be misunderstanding others. I am not saying you ARE misunderstanding others. I am pointing out that misunderstanding others is a possibility in any two way conversation.

In any case please understand that people respond to your posts because you always supply a unique perspective that gets people thinking. Your posts are a spark that ignites a room full of previously inert gases.

Sometimes it's hard to describe what it's like not to have family to those who've always had family.

True. If you have a family you really do not know what life is without one. But based on the comments I see here and other places, just having a family is not enough. Family does not guarantee that you feel validated or loved or are never lonely. Some of us have been so invalidated by our families that those families are an emotional burden.
We can feel more hobbled than helped by our families.

 

[SimonSays]

But whether your conversations are in person with other, or on the internet, one thing to consider is that the problem might not always be that you are misunderstood, but that you may be misunderstanding others. I am not saying you ARE misunderstanding others. I am pointing out that misunderstanding others is a possibility in any two way conversation.

Yes. Agreed. Thank you for pointing that out.

Family does not guarantee that you feel validated or loved or are never lonely. Some of us have been so invalidated by our families that those families are an emotional burden.
We can feel more hobbled than helped by our families.

I agree completely. By family, I don't mean those we find ourselves born into. I mean those we choose, because we love them, because they are our friends. People we can turn to and who can turn to us. People we will go out of your way to help and who will help us. People we turn to for advice and who listen to our words when needed. This for me is family. I know it because I’ve felt parts of it at different times.

Usually it doesn't involve more than a few, and sometimes it's just one and that's enough. To have a few people, maybe three, seems the limit for me, but to have three people I spend time with, either all together or separately or variations of that, is very rare, making the feeling of family feel very strong. But often those people have a much larger family themselves, birth family, other friends, so they don't necessarily feel about me the way I do about them. Which is fine.

But I suppose the biggest thing for me that would define family, is that it doesn't disappear. People come and go. Those people we call friends that we work with quite often. Our birth families are not always people we get on with, but they will always be our birth family. But to be a part of a small group of people I love, who are in my life and that never changes…is not really something I've ever experienced. I can imagine it though.

In any case please understand that people respond to your posts because you always supply a unique perspective that gets people thinking. Your posts are a spark that ignites a room full of previously inert gases.

What a lovely way of putting it. Thank you for saying that.

 

[SimonSays]

Thanks...

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

The only issue with Family I have, is I have no idea How to be a grand father.

 

[Suzette]

Thank you for your recording! It is lovely to hear your voice. The internet is such an amazing place allowing strangers to get to know one another on a more intimate level than we do even with our physically local friends and family.
No one I know is ever willing to deep dive into any subject that touches on emotions and feelings. Or has patience enough to explore what we think about it all.
Do you think we are rather lucky?

 

[Suzette]

The only issue with Family I have, is I have no idea How to be a grand father.

Two rules for grandfatherdom, show your grandkids your false teeth by sticking them out on your tongue, and always pronounce galaxy as "gah-laxy". Oh, and drink cheap beer. You are welcome.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Thanks; Who says us Aspies have no sense of humour and are too serious all the time.

 

[Martha Ferris]

@Martha Ferris

I like what you said, but you've also mistakenly picked up on my being primarily concerned with the way other people think of me. That makes it seem like I'm constantly saying things in the hope that their opinion will change. You even quoted my post which says at the beginning..."It is not their opinion of me that is the problem", which itself was me helping Suzette see that there had been a misunderstanding.

You have both highlighted the example of being misunderstood that I experience.

I do use a lot of words, especially when writing, and that makes it more likely that something could be misunderstood. I get that. Ironically, I believe less is more, and yet it is not always easy for me to be succinct.

I think the question is one of finding a balance. Being who I am while not concerned with how other people think about me, while still wanting connection/relationship with those same people. So I hope to be understood if it's possible, or just accepted for who I am, but if not, it's okay, I can accept it. I've been accepting it all my life.

I believe I'm reasonably articulate, and can explain things in a clear way, so because people see things through the filter of themselves, the mistake I may be making is to believe I might be able to provide them with a better filter sometimes.

Sometimes it's hard to describe what it's like not to have family to those who've always had family.

Having said that, I think everyone likes to be thought well of. I can be affected if I know someone thinks bad of me but they've got the wrong end of the stick. It doesn't mean I can't be myself unless they think well of me, and in most cases I wouldn't know anyway. But if I have to be around somebody, work with somebody, live with somebody, to me it makes sense that we get on if we can.

Where I live now I don't interact with anybody verbally. That's not exactly my choice, it just seems to have worked out that way, but it makes it easier for me to just be who I am without having to engage with people who have not understood that.

I was responding to this because I have been there: "I am often seen as somebody that I'm not, and so if I'm going to make it work, if it is in my power to do so, I wish to be seen as myself. The issue is that I notice when I'm not being understood, and now I'm in a sort of quandary. Do I just accept it when there may be something I can do? Do I just accept it because this is how it tends to be?"

 

[Au Naturel]

@Martha Ferris

I like what you said, but you've also mistakenly picked up on my being primarily concerned with the way other people think of me. That makes it seem like I'm constantly saying things in the hope that their opinion will change. You even quoted my post which says at the beginning..."It is not their opinion of me that is the problem", which itself was me helping Suzette see that there had been a misunderstanding.

You have both highlighted the example of being misunderstood that I experience.

I do use a lot of words, especially when writing, and that makes it more likely that something could be misunderstood. I get that. Ironically, I believe less is more, and yet it is not always easy for me to be succinct.

I think the question is one of finding a balance. Being who I am while not concerned with how other people think about me, while still wanting connection/relationship with those same people. So I hope to be understood if it's possible, or just accepted for who I am, but if not, it's okay, I can accept it. I've been accepting it all my life.

I believe I'm reasonably articulate, and can explain things in a clear way, so because people see things through the filter of themselves, the mistake I may be making is to believe I might be able to provide them with a better filter sometimes.

Sometimes it's hard to describe what it's like not to have family to those who've always had family.

Having said that, I think everyone likes to be thought well of. I can be affected if I know someone thinks bad of me but they've got the wrong end of the stick. It doesn't mean I can't be myself unless they think well of me, and in most cases I wouldn't know anyway. But if I have to be around somebody, work with somebody, live with somebody, to me it makes sense that we get on if we can.

Where I live now I don't interact with anybody verbally. That's not exactly my choice, it just seems to have worked out that way, but it makes it easier for me to just be who I am without having to engage with people who have not understood that.

Less is only more if the other person shares your background. Life cannot be adequately expressed as a series of memes.

The less another person shares of their background, the more important it is to share your background. (Most people, aspies included, assume their definitions and conclusions are universal and obvious.) It gives them context. There has to be an assumption that the other person may not understand at all or may misunderstand. The misunderstanding may come from unspoken differing understandings of critical concepts or there may be some kind of cognitive bias at work on either or both sides.