The feeling of being unable to love others.

[Outdated]

Afterwards. But still, you'll experience it at the time. I wasn't thinking about fearing death exactly, though. Or about factually knowing it. But, of the self, ending. It's so strange.

I have the advantage of having been there before, it turns out I'm allergic to chemicals used in a lot of local anaesthetics these days. I've told the story in this forum somewhere or other. I love a certain quality of life and when I feel my life is no longer worth living I'll happily end it, we're allowed to do that here now.

I have no fear of death but losing my independence is a very real fear.

[Edit] found the link, post #16 if your browser only takes you to the start of the thread:
https://www.autismforums.com/threads/lets-get-small.41670/post-906443

 

[Jonn]

Many here have a few of these traits, but I don't believe anyone here has all of them. If anybody does, let me know because we have a lot to discuss.

I have 85% of what you described.

Spoiler

My mum always told me I was "special".

 

[Jonn]

I have the advantage of having been there before, it turns out I'm allergic to chemicals used in a lot of local anaesthetics these days. I've told the story in this forum somewhere or other. I love a certain quality of life and when I feel my life is no longer worth living I'll happily end it, we're allowed to do that here now.

I have no fear of death but losing my independence is a very real fear.

We are on the same "page".

 

[Alexej]

It was a big shock to learn that my husband (and other NTs) experience actual physical sensations in regards to things related to love and empathy. They can "feel" the bond.

That doesn't mean the love isn't there. It definitely is there. It's just felt/expressed in a more intellectual way.

For me love is a strange thing, a concept but not something that I "feel" or experience.

As I read the OP I wonder at what is being described. This feeling of love. I am not sure if or to what extent I have ever felt this (although in my second marriage).

However, with autism and a dose of alexithymia, it makes sense that these, and many other feelings, evade me.
Unfortunately for me, I have learnt the NT language of feelings as part of my masking so if you listen to me you could think that I do actually feel. My language uses the feeling words that NTs use, and I am being challenged by my wife on this score. However, to say "I think this" instead of "I feel this" is taking a bit of getting used to.

 

[Alexej]

For me it's exactly the opposite. I refuse to go to funerals because having to spend the whole time pretending to be upset when I'm not is exhausting. Twice I've sat the death watch with old friends and they specifically asked for my company because they knew I wouldn't get all overexcited about it and make them feel worse than they already did.

Yet when I broke up with the girl I almost married it took me near a decade to really get over it.

Strangely about funerals.

I was at a funeral recently, which was for a friend of my wife. I had no relationship with the person who was being buried. However, during the service I was crying, and this surprised me. The only explanation if that the atmosphere reminded me of other funerals I have been to and was tying in on emotions that I have not process from those funerals.

My wife commented to me, that if people saw me they would not think that I struggled with feelings. The would think that I was in touch with my feelings and was upset that this person had died. However, the tears were not for that person in the slightest.

 

[Shamar]

I have 85% of what you described.

Spoiler

My mum always told me I was "special".

The problem is not that I (or we) have this situation, the problem is what to do about it and how to fix it. I have come to accept it, and accept that I will never feel actual, emotional, bonding love for another person. And I desperately want to feel this once in my life. I have many times come close to suicide over my inability to feel. I can feel lust or sexual attraction, and even a need to be close to another person just to be close to them, but that is always transient, and soon disappears.

As I said, how to fix the problem? Some people may say, just keep trying. Since I am socially nonfunctional and have no friends, even this option is closed.

 

[Alexej]

The problem is not that I (or we) have this situation, the problem is what to do about it and how to fix it. I have come to accept it, and accept that I will never feel actual, emotional, bonding love for another person. And I desperately want to feel this once in my life. I have many times come close to suicide over my inability to feel. I can feel lust or sexual attraction, and even a need to be close to another person just to be close to them, but that is always transient, and soon disappears.

A couple of things - I am not sure what "fix" means in this context. However, I might be taking this too literally, for what is posted suggests that in this case, fix means learning to live without. I can agree with that interpretation.

Regarding the draw to self harm, I can sympathise with that one - been there too.

 

[jsilver256]

fix means learning to live without.

That was the takeaway I had from my therapist as well.

The positive of being aware of this is knowing you are not a "bad" person for (not) feeling the way you do.

It should be noted the feelings, the emotions are still there. I just can't experience them the same way others do. The stims, the meltdowns, the other behaviors are proof they exist.

 

[Alexej]

The stims, the meltdowns, the other behaviors are proof they exist.

This is a new way of looking at it.

How do meltdowns prove the existence of feelings? Maybe I am missing something obvious

 

[jsilver256]

This is a new way of looking at it.

How do meltdowns prove the existence of feelings? Maybe I am missing something obvious

Maybe I'm projecting, but I've found that my emotional state affects the intensity of meltdowns.

 

[Alexej]

Maybe I'm projecting, but I've found that my emotional state affects the intensity of meltdowns.

Thank you for that clarification

 

[Shamar]

A couple of things - I am not sure what "fix" means in this context. However, I might be taking this too literally, for what is posted suggests that in this case, fix means learning to live without. I can agree with that interpretation.

Regarding the draw to self harm, I can sympathise with that one - been there too.

In this case, "fix" means to find a way to feel. I have been living without it for over 60 years, ever since I figured out that everyone else had this thing called "friends." Living without has nearly caused me to end up dead several times. If you have a broken leg, you get it set and put on a cast until the bones grow together. Nobody advises you to just learn to live with a broken leg. And none of the so-called experts seemed to grasp just what the problem was. At first I was just shy and lacked social skills, all I had to do was go out and meet people. Telling me to go out and meet people is the equivalent of telling the average person beat his fear by going into the arena and face hungry lions. And they never explained exactly what "social skills" were or where to acquire them. There was just an assumption they would come with practice (which, obviously, was not going to happen).

Then social anxiety became a thing, so that is what I had. At about that same time ADHD became a popular, and it was my impulsiveness that was causing the problems. Ritalin was amazing (until I developed a tolerance for it, I don't take it any more), but it did nothing for my social function. Then, 12 years ago at age 60, I was diagnosed with autism. How it took that long, I have no idea, since I gave every therapist, psychologist, ans psychiatrist I ever dealt with a list of my problems which was essentially the autism diagnosis criteria.

So, I have learned to live with it. That does not mean I have to like it. I certainly don't like the constant pain, but nobody seems to know how to help.

 

[Thinx]

I have the advantage of having been there before, it turns out I'm allergic to chemicals used in a lot of local anaesthetics these days. I've told the story in this forum somewhere or other. I love a certain quality of life and when I feel my life is no longer worth living I'll happily end it, we're allowed to do that here now.

I have no fear of death but losing my independence is a very real fear.

[Edit] found the link, post #16 if your browser only takes you to the start of the thread:
https://www.autismforums.com/threads/lets-get-small.41670/post-906443

Oh that's interesting. I had an injection at the dentist that contained adrenaline once, and experienced disconcerting palpitations, so I asked not to be given it in future, there are injections that don't contain it, here in the UK, apparently. Yes I see how that must feel reassuring to you, in terms of what may occur after death. But still there's the loss, of oneself.