struggling to find a personality

[Voltaic]

ahh, the old saying. just be yourself. there is truth to it, but things that make me, me, are also things that others find displessurable. i often have to make modifications to how i act in order to not just be a drain on others who are talking to me.

I strive to be normal. i have the tendancy to want to fit in, and there have to be certain things one must do in order to stay a contributing member of conversation. this sometimes clashes with what i would rather do. sometimes a conversation devolves into a checklist type thinging. i have to do this when he does that, kind of like using precalculated senarios to juge how to act.

it is monotomous, i would rather be myself, but socailly, it is viewed as wrong.

when you get to know the person, you can make it normal for you not to be normal, but the socail rules are more constrict with first time engagments, you have to boil your identity into what you are going to say. even the act of not saying anything, is saying something

i feel like i have a personality to maintain, i have to be someone. everything i say contributes to others view of who i am, so i have to walk carefully.


i sturggle to take into acount all these socail nuances, and rather come off as rude, or robotic.
so far it is my strategy to normalise to others and myself not being normal, but it is slow, amd course against the grain of how others work. my goal is to achieve a balance, but i have no idea what that will look like. so far, i have been wrong in making assumptions, so i stoped assuming my assumptions where correct.

this is complicated, and i have no idea how to handle myself in most situations.

of course, this is my anxiety saying a lot of this stuff. it is more emotion than logic, hut it makes it no less of a struggle.

 

[Gracey]

Are you exhausted being a full time chameleon?
I’ve spent an awful long time ‘bending myself all out of shape’ just trying to fit it until I just couldn’t do it any longer.

Until you ‘just be yourself’ and get to know yourself you may never achieve that balance.

I don’t know how to handle myself in some situations either.
I try to wing it and learn on the hoof.
I leave myself open for rejection and possible humiliation but even with that I’m still learning.

‘Sometimes we have to be lost in order to find ourselves’

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

It's not just your anxiety.

My bet everyone on the board has gone through this.

You can't escape it. You learn to handle it better over time.

Gradually turn those social mountains into molehills.

You're a smart guy, you'll find your path.

Hopefully posting here helps as I like reading your contributions

 

[Juliettaa]

I think most, if not all, of us can relate to what you've posted.

I note from your profile that you're 19, which in my experience was a painful and difficult period. I didn't have a clue who I was then nor how to 'fit in'. I've continued not to 'fit' but the difference is, I no longer care or try too hard. The appearing 'normal' just ain't gonna happen!

You sound really switched on with a level of awareness that evades so many, me included, so that's part of the battle won already. Get to know yourself better, try to care a little less and give yourself a break

 

[wight]

Oh man, at 19, I was so weird and awkward and socially inept. Constantly making mistakes in interactions, misreading cues, saying or doing the wrong thing.

I still do, the work environment is pretty smooth, but can be exhausting. Socially... my wife says that I'm "like a feral cat". I no longer care about social interactions, people can think whatever they want.

 

[Progster]

I am what I am. Whatever that is.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I am what I am. Whatever that is.

Northern.

 

[Progster]

Northern.

And female. A person

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

And female. A person

Thought you didn't know

 

[Sabrina]

Coincidentally, I was thinking the same thing yesterday. I’ve met several people recently, and I’ve come out as weird too abruptly and quickly.

Next time, during a first encounter, I’ll act more normal and I will censor myself more. Then, if I see that the relationship goes somewhere, I’ll reveal my quirkiness.

Everybody is looking for bridges to connect to other people. It’s better to show them the bridges that we have first, to then show them the cliffs. That way they now that, even if there might be cliffs between us, there are also bridges, and we can still connect.

 

[Jimbo]

This is something I have struggled with all my life. Other people seem to be so real, but I have always felt like I was acting. After 48 years I have sort of figured out who the real me is and have become more confident in my social skills. Hang in there. It gets easier as you get older.

 

[Voltaic]

there seems to be two choices, be yourself, or ‘Act’ sometimes it is best to do one over the other, other times, the reverse.

in hospital, i had the experiance of starting out with new people to live with for a time. i started to be more mysekf around them, and they acted positevly towords me. i could tell it wasnt the type of ‘acting’ just to make me feel good. i was actually being my autisic self, and was getting positivity from it, no acting or anything.

now at home, i feel forced to act. rather from expectations from others, or myself. i am confined onto the stage with my mask.

i know i am a good person. i am looking to find what is making me feel like i need to act. maybe it is family, maybe it is the personality i have built up, maybe it is the confines of my current life. maybe it isnt me, but the world, maybe reverse that.

@CDOCONNOR talks about persistance and confidence. i agree with both. persistance, to build personality and to push through mistakes, and confidence, because i know i can do it.

pushing through is the hard part. to not act normal is to stand out. my socail anxiety does not like that. it seems i have to push through my socail anxiety barrier to be myself, and do it enough where the unordinary becomes ordinary.

i am simply sick of acting. we watch shows all the time, where ecentric charecters are accepted all the time. pretty much any sitcom has a quirky comic relife charecter.

my barrier, is to try and act normal. i should stop foccusing on what is normal, and search for what is me.

 

[Misery]

Here's a question: Why not go to where the definition of "normal" is simply different?

In other words: Hang out with a different crowd, in different places.

Something I've noticed is that alot of people seem to just try the same really common "social" places and activities over and over, and then wonder why they dont fit in anywhere. For example, bars. Alot of people act like going out and making a drunken idiot of yourself at a bar is the ONLY way to be social. Or they might think that way of things like sports; if you dont like sports you're not properly social. Or blah blah blah.

Instead of doing that, why not go to some place where you're not even seeing a need to fake it? Like, I used to try to do what you're doing.... fit in despite that I had to fake it. This was a long time ago. Eventually I declared this to be really stupid. I thought to myself: Why am I even trying this? These people arent like me whatsoever. What is the point of my attempting this with them? This was typically during high-school and college when I thought I was supposed to make friends the usual way (though I never went to bars and I dont ever drink, but I still tried some of the usual methods).

So, I simply changed that. I am an absolute geek. Always have been. And I have alot of interests that might be considered "bizarre" among the so-called "normal" crowd. So... I simply started meeting up with other total geeks instead. I also started going to conventions, and believe me, at those there is no "normal". I could be as bloody strange as I wanted and nobody was going to think twice about it. Hell, I even have some... er... "gender problems", and I could even express that at those. In other words: I could completely be myself, and people were accepting of it, no problem. And it's not just conventions... those are just the biggest example. Simply by meeting some other people who were absolute nerds, I met some that were actually similar to myself. If I was weird, well, so were they, and "weird" was normal. I dont need to "fake" anything, not anymore. So I dont.

This had the side effect of getting me to not give a crap even in situations dealing with "normal" people. I'm the long-haired one with a somewhat androgynous appearance, usually in sweatpants (because I bloody well feel like it) and always carrying a keychain that's about 2 feet long (the first thing anyone notices). I *definitely* dont have the normal sort of appearance. There was a time when that would have been considered a problem to me. Now though.... nah. "I'll do as I like, thanks" is how I look at it now.

My point is: Wherever you're trying to do this, stop. Go find somewhere else. Some other place, some other crowd. Whether you realize it or not there are all sorts of different groups of people out there with all sorts of interests and personalities. Whatever you're like, somewhere, there are people that would find it "normal", or absolutely acceptable. But it's up to you to figure out who they are, and where they might be. And once you find them, you may find that your self-confidence overall starts to really rise, which will benefit you in many ways.

 

[Pinecones]

Took the words right out of my mouth! What's helped me is accepting that there is no "end goal" with interactions, and that if I mess up, who cares. It was like a test- it IS like a test, it's still a struggle! But. I'm much more okay these days with having a terrible interaction and just shrugging it off and letting it be. That's AFTER hours of post-interaction processing; replaying word for word everything that just happened, what I did, what I was doing, how we were talking, evaluating nuances, understanding what their body language may have been saying, and trying to literally UNDERSTAND WHAT JUST HAPPENED. I'm better about unexpected and spur-of-the-moment social interactions, but it's still extremely taxing for me, just after the fact. It's far less common these days for me to have anxiety and struggles DURING the interaction.

I just remind myself; I'm not here to impress ANYONE. And if they don't like me based on that ONE interaction, screw it! I don't need their BS judgements in my life if they think they've got me figured out in one go. It's the folks who find you interesting or intriguing, the ones who interact with you and think "wow, that's interesting/refreshing/unusual/curious/etc and they want to know more about you. It's those folks who will be more likely to be worth your time in the long run. Don't try to impress folks who can't be impressed, don't try to please people who can't be pleased, and don't try to get someone to like you if they're just never gonna like ya!

 

[Bella Pines]

Unfortunately I agree with you. I would love to just be myself, but suspect they would burn me at the steak.

I've often wondered about the balance, and if I am lying or not and also, after a while I start to forget who the real me is.

The way I look at it nowadays is as a play. I have a role in a play and I act the part. My assumed character is a small part of who I am and that's what comes through. I so am not faking it as such, I am simply bringing some facet of my personality to the front and squashing other parts. (specifically the part that wants to punching them).

The again in each scene. It's hard work, I have to remember my lines, I sometimes get to repeat scenes. I sometimes mess up my words. But eventually I choose the right costume and the right script and the other actors accept me. Is this really me? Well yes, I think it is. If I didn't have this aspect to my character then I wouldn't appear in the scene in the first place. So an aspect of the real me is a mum, is a manager, is a sociopath, is a scientist, is girly, is fun. But showing all of me is uncomfortable to most NTs.

But when I am on my own I dress in my pyjamas and learn stuff and study. But I think that all together, the sum total of all my characters makes up the real me.

 

[tree]

Find a personality?
You already are a person with a way of being.
Wouldn't that constitute a personality,
regardless of whether or not
it epitomizes what you'd like to project?

 

[Sabrina]

I once read that the real you is who you are when nobody is looking. I agree.

Sometimes I think that I’m too awesome, and people need to earn the right to know the real me .

This is not a permanent assesment of myself, my moods go up and down like a roller coaster, but I’m in a kind of manic right now.

 

[ilovetochat87]

Agreed. Anytime I never tried to have a "relationship " it never went anywhere I'm 29 and I only had one relationship for nine months when I was 19 coming on 20 and it stunk really bad because I had only just learned I had AS when I was 15and I was stillnot really sure what it was orhow I was and I was told by my diagnostician I wouldn't like I wouldn't want toand I wouldn't know how and I never willkind of scenarios and so I thought my whole life I was just reduced tonever knowing how to be socialnever really wanting to be socialmaybe having two friends if any friendsalways wanting to live with my parents never wanting to really "adult" Cedric Cedric that I still get school work and I always would and people would always bully me and I would never figure people out that's just how I thought I was always gonna be my whole life and then I learned as I got older through a lot of social classes not to walk with my head down to kind of be a little quieter when I'm in the doctors office or when I'm at church or you know how to know what kind of situation am I allowed to be more loud or quiet and how to pick up my miscues and I learned different facial expressions that I didn't figure out naturally I still cannot raise one eyebrow and make a acquisitive face because both eyebrows want to go up and it looks like I'm kind of disgusting when I squint when I try to raise the other eyebrow and acquisitive look and people look at me like what are you doing and they can't tell that I'm trying to be quitted because my muscles just don't do it . You don't there are certain things I had to learn when you're happy what face goes with happy obviously not an angry face or a confused face when you're sad you're not gonna make a smile things like that I would sometimes cross my faces if I had @expression that was very similar and easy to confuse with another like happy and excited can sometimes get me confused and I need the wrong expression that I have to pay attention like that and so I've practiced my whole life learning these small cues and when I look up as I walk I don't have as much chance of walking in dead trees or things and I learn that there's people in the world and I can see things and people don't automatically assume that I sad and depressed they think of me more bubbly because I'm seeing the world and the world can see me and they see my face and they know that the face is happy they don't see my face if I look down so they don't know that the face is happy so they judge that it must be a sad person etc. etc. you know I've learned these things but at the same time I still have social cues where I don't read other people if someone's not very outwardly blind with how they feel when we go on a date then I don't always understand and sometimes I miss read them as being pushy or not interested because I don't understand and I'm quiet sometimes at first because I'm shy and people misread me and so I get a lot of are just not the girl I expected I'm looking for someone more social I'm looking for someone that's a lot less scared and on my level I can tell there something wrong with you and I'm looking for someone that's more normal I get those kinds of things or when a guy says would you like to meet me at X place I tell them sorry I can't drive and then I want to know why and expect that it's just probabl normal everybody can't drive it first but we learn and I will show you and then it turns into well nevermind if you're gonna have that much trouble I don't want to be the only one that can't get anything out of this relationship. I don't want to be the one that's always driving and I don't want to be the one that's always paying and I don't want to be the one that's always contributing and if you're just gonna be afraid and you don't really want to try to drive and you're not gonna try to make the effort to come to me and I'm always gonna go to you or you're just gonna be scared and shy all the time and never talk to me like you're afraid of me then this relationship's gonna go nowhere so I'm just gonna drop it before it gets anywhere so have a nice life being a cat lady forever and alone and I'm like okay see ya bye!

 

[ilovetochat87]

Continued: And I don't understand it I mean you can't not say sorry I can't drive yet? If you say nothing then they're gonna feel like you don't want to meet them for a day and you'll never get a date and you can't just expect them every time you come out to you so out of courtesy you need to say I can't drive but at the same time if you do then they're gonna start questioning why can't you drive and it's gonna turn into having to tell them or disclose the reasons why you can't drive because you have a disability making you not able to drive and then I want to know exactly what disability would make someone not be able to drive to the point of physically failing unless you like have cerebral palsy or you have like a wheelchair or something otherwise what would make a person not be able to drive indefinitely and make kinda want to know because they're curious if you're just pulling your leg and not wanting to make the effort or if you seriously can't and so you have to say well I can't drive because I have poor depth perception and I have poor attention span and I have poor trouble with figuring out my left in my right even though I'm not dyslexic I get really confused in traffic and I forget my left and my right though I'm not dyslexic but… And I blow out in the intersection and I physically can't tell how close I am to traffic on my left or my right side and I don't stay in my lane because I physically can't tell distance very well and they always try to tell me I'm just fine that it's normal everybody struggles at first and they will teach me once we get better in the relationship and then three days then they realize this is difficult they don't want to do it and I might just be serious about not driving and they don't want to be my caretaker for my taxi they want someone that can at least somewhat take care themselves and I don't seem to be that person and never mind . So what am I supposed to do I cannot tell them but I can't tell them at the same time so it's very difficult to explain to them in the right way and you just gotta find the right people the guy I'm dating lives almost an hour away from me and he comes out several times a week and he spends from about 3 PM to midnight with me several times a week and he's totally okay with that and we burp and fart in front of each other it's an accident I don't intentionally burp or fart in front of him but sometimes it happens that we've gotten to the point where it's just kind of funny and we know that each other is weird and quirky and we just deal with it because it's cute and funny and we get each other. you just have to find the right kind of person that will be able to handle yo the way you are. You know the people that are best able to handle and Aspie are thespians people that love the theater any type of nerd that enjoys going to, call or playing video games a lot or are going to art exhibits or that like to go to poetry nights just your average nerdy type of person that also has quirkiness of their own outside of the norm outside of the Nero typical and you know what , when you get with those types of people you find they don't care about your greatness because they're quirky and they might even be similarly quirky to you even if it's not the same exact corkiness it's usually at least similar and you laugh about silliness because they do it too. you just gotta go out and find the right people. If the people you're hanging out with are judging you and they think you're a weirdo then they don't truly care about who you are because best friends be there for you no matter what and they will take you for who you are not at face value but deeper than that. do I truly think you just need to find a different group of friends to hang out wit go to a place where you know there are 40 people put yourself in there and dive into it go to a video game convention or place where people are playing video games or go online and play video games against other people and you couldn't talk to them with your headset on while you're playing against them. and you'll notice there kind of hav eccentricities themselves so they don't notice yours so you'll enjoy their company or they might notice yours but not really care because they're a lot like you and me enjoy that you're similar to them. my friend group is very small and scattered around I don't really get to see them very often they all live 30 minutes away from me and I never get to see them that often you know but my boyfriend's got some great friends and they are all really funny and they like to play video games they like to watch anime which a lot of what I like to do videogames and anime. and they like to be silly and sword fight though I don't like sword fightin I don't like Comicon is much but they do and that's okay we get along because I'm kind of odd and they're kind of odd even if it's not the same kind of odd we still kind of get along because we have similar types of things and the fact that we are both odd and just quirky in itself is a factor that brings us together . Just find people that are like yourself that don't seem to care I just themselves understand you being yourself and you will get along if you're not getting along with the people you're with and you have to be somebody you're not to be with them then that's not true friendship and they obviously don't care enough about you because you know everybody knows that if a true friend really wanted to be around you even if they were 100% opposite from you they would find a way . Like my boyfriend he lives almost an hour away from me and he makes the effort to come out several times a week to hang out with me for no reason other than he just wants to be with me and he's living off of a Planet Sub salary and lives with his mom and dad but he in himself is a little bit quirky he's got ADHD and possibly asked burgers I can't really prove that one but he does somevery minor ass burgers thingsthat I pick up on and my mom picked up onbut it's not my place to say that and I'll never tell him that I think thatbuthe doesn't mind coming outseveral times a week with almost no money to come out here and he lives almost an hour away from meI mean if it's worth it they'll find a wayif it's not worth it then they won't really tryand if you're the only one making an effort well then I would say find other people.

 

[Pondering]

Not every person is going to like everything about every other person. There are things about my personality that I don't even like. But you know what? Some people like doberman pinschers and some people like labrador retrievers. Different dog, different breed. No one is going to be everyone's cup of tea. Sometimes you may have to chameleon. But if you don't have to, don't. You lose more energy than you have to burn if you do.

I took acting classes for a few years and it really taught me something: Even if you are portraying someone who is nothing like you, you can always show that and articulate that from a very real place inside you. Your chameleoning doesn't have to be fake. Being an actor and being a chameleon aren't so different. My point is that if you chameleon in the way that you are using a real part of yourself, it may start to come easily and it will feel and look genuine even if you wouldn't behave that way under any other circumstance.

As aspies, we tend to say things people don't necessarily want to hear. That's a matter of self-control and tact, not so much about personality. And self-control and tact is something we all have to learn, aspies and NTs alike, especially when it comes to speech (I'm not saying you do or don't have this problem because I don't know; I'm just saying for the sake of argument). It's okay to have a lot of quirks. It's okay to have strong options. It's okay to be honest. It's not okay to deliberately provoke someone with insults and arguments you know will bring no benefit. A lot of people justify being a jerk by saying 'that's just how I am'. That's totally different. That's not about their personality. That's about a moral issue, a character flaw they see and are unwilling to fix.

It may take a lot of energy to be tactful about the way you say things. That's a necessary part of life. It's not the personality itself that can be the problem. It's how you use it. And if you're using it right, you can't really blame yourself; it becomes more about the people around you, and that's not something you can always change.