I’m clicking my fingers and counting a lot because I’m stressed out. I don’t like it. I must look like a loon. And muttering to myself. I’m very stressed out. When I’m at home alone I’m worse, I rock and tap my knees and all of the above. It’s getting harder to hide in public. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do about it. I don’t want to look like a crazy person.
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Stimming
- Thread starter Tanyax
- Start date
Those look good and if someone asks about them you can say that you have arthritis in your hands and they keep your joints from getting stiff.
I’m sorry, I know you mean to be helpful but that just upset me more. I need more than a stress ball. Please don’t think I’m being rude. I’m not. It’s just way bigger than that. I’m sorry if that sounds mean. It really isn’t x
TheFreeCat
Active Member
I don't mind looking crazy. People leave me alone. And those who are nice, really ARE nice people.
Try stimming in public in a way that you need to and look around. First, no one cares. Second, a few might look at you confused. But then people get it. OK, that one has "issues". In their head they are thinking they have issues, too, or know someone like you. Almost no one (if you are over 20) will be rude.
I find it safe. People know, "Leave that one alone."
It is peaceful in here.
Try stimming in public in a way that you need to and look around. First, no one cares. Second, a few might look at you confused. But then people get it. OK, that one has "issues". In their head they are thinking they have issues, too, or know someone like you. Almost no one (if you are over 20) will be rude.
I find it safe. People know, "Leave that one alone."
It is peaceful in here.
I know these two members well and I am confident that they were honestly trying to help. In no way were they trying to offend you or be too simplistic. In public, I try to fix on something and deeply think it thru. For instance I had to go to a medical doctor the other day and I was off the charts afraid and stressed. I found a chair by a window and contemplated the parking lot. How it was designed? The flow? The landscaping around it. Then I ask how it could be better. I redesigned the parking lot several times prior to my name being called for the appointment. I get my mind working on something else. It works for me. I wish the best for you I know how stressful it can be but that is compounded if there is no way to manage it in a “normal” way. Thank you for your post and your honest follow up. It tells me this is a big deal for you.
Ezra
Relax, it's just chaos.
The idea with the stress ball is you transfer your stimming need to squeezing it. I have very animated stimming with rocking and hand movements. In school I wore a leather lanyard. When I played with the lanyard rubbing it, twisting it, twisting it around my fingers, it toned down my other stimming movements. Made my stimming less noticeable, less distracting.
I used a clip on lanyard because my coordination disorder would cause me to drop a stress ball a lot. But for most people they are a good option. I like the ones with little bumps or spikes. I like rolling it on a desk or counter with my palm.
Look up stimming toys for more options.
I wear a Chubuddy necklace 24/7. It keeps me from chewing my lips and inside my cheeks until they bleed. It’s helped a lot but there are still those times...
Sorry you are stressed and wished I could have been more help to you.
Sorry you are stressed and wished I could have been more help to you.
TempeFan
Well-Known Member
What's causing all the stress in the first place?
What appears to be triggering the stimming? What can you do to eliminate or reduce the trigger, lower stress, and provide a calming environment? Can you get into a routine for daily tasks or find some pleasant activity to substitute or distract you? If you have to mutter in public, pull out your cell phone and mutter into it. Nowadays, nothing is more common than that. People who are walking around, NOT stressing into an electronic device are considered to be the crazy ones.
What appears to be triggering the stimming? What can you do to eliminate or reduce the trigger, lower stress, and provide a calming environment? Can you get into a routine for daily tasks or find some pleasant activity to substitute or distract you? If you have to mutter in public, pull out your cell phone and mutter into it. Nowadays, nothing is more common than that. People who are walking around, NOT stressing into an electronic device are considered to be the crazy ones.
@George Newman this is what I do when out and start feeling anxious.
Instead of focusing on the feeling of the anxiety, I start observing. Seeing all the details of the
buildings, landscaping, cars, what ever, and really get into those thoughts.
Next thing I know the anxious feelings subside.
Trying to keep from lip chewing or picking around my finger nails is difficult.
I usually don't even try to stop when that begins. I just think of the harm I am doing to my skin
and think on keeping it to a safe limit.
Wearing a wide band smooth ring helps. I can fidget with it or move it around on my finger.
Instead of focusing on the feeling of the anxiety, I start observing. Seeing all the details of the
buildings, landscaping, cars, what ever, and really get into those thoughts.
Next thing I know the anxious feelings subside.
Trying to keep from lip chewing or picking around my finger nails is difficult.
I usually don't even try to stop when that begins. I just think of the harm I am doing to my skin
and think on keeping it to a safe limit.
Wearing a wide band smooth ring helps. I can fidget with it or move it around on my finger.
I pace a lot. A lot of people pace though, and I think that it doesn't look so out of place as, for example, rocking. But I really don't see why people shouldn't be able to do what they want and feels natural to them, as long as they are not disturbing or harming others.
Monachopia
...spiral out... keep going.
I'm not sure if I stim really, maybe I displaced it into jerking my knee up and down if I'm sat down when I'm stressed, which is seen as fairly normal behaviour... I do fidget with my hands a lot, so I'd play with a pen twirling it between my fingers in a loop. A fidget spinner helps as well.
@George Newman provided a great coping mechanism too, which I do a lot, which is to focus elsewhere get the mind working on an imaginary task to take the mind off the stressor. I do tend to catch myself from rocking the knee as I know it can be annoying to others (because if the ground/chair is shaking when someone else is doing it, I know it stresses me out). So there's a case to be made to be aware of what you're doing and channeling that energy elsewhere. These are stress related habits that you do have some power to lessen and change, maybe start with them when you're at home, when you're alone. See if you can practice gradually lessening them / putting them into another less obvious stimulus, like a pen, stress ball, fidget spinner/fidget toy, pacing. It may feel underwhelming at first and anxiety inducing as you feel you're not expressing yourself to the full extent as you'd like, but some work does need to be put in on your behalf if you feel this is a problem. If you can try to lessen the stress too, find ways to counteract it, be it by planning ahead, rationalising the event, listening to music (which means you could mutter along with it and it's seen as "normal") and helping yourself in any way possible to avoid tricky situations.
That said, @TheFreeCat said it well, there's nothing wrong with stimming even in public. If you feel you need to do those behaviours to calm yourself and you can't change them, then accept that they're part of you and those around you will accept it too. Honestly, most people don't really care past a certain age. Everyone is different and that's ok.
@George Newman provided a great coping mechanism too, which I do a lot, which is to focus elsewhere get the mind working on an imaginary task to take the mind off the stressor. I do tend to catch myself from rocking the knee as I know it can be annoying to others (because if the ground/chair is shaking when someone else is doing it, I know it stresses me out). So there's a case to be made to be aware of what you're doing and channeling that energy elsewhere. These are stress related habits that you do have some power to lessen and change, maybe start with them when you're at home, when you're alone. See if you can practice gradually lessening them / putting them into another less obvious stimulus, like a pen, stress ball, fidget spinner/fidget toy, pacing. It may feel underwhelming at first and anxiety inducing as you feel you're not expressing yourself to the full extent as you'd like, but some work does need to be put in on your behalf if you feel this is a problem. If you can try to lessen the stress too, find ways to counteract it, be it by planning ahead, rationalising the event, listening to music (which means you could mutter along with it and it's seen as "normal") and helping yourself in any way possible to avoid tricky situations.
That said, @TheFreeCat said it well, there's nothing wrong with stimming even in public. If you feel you need to do those behaviours to calm yourself and you can't change them, then accept that they're part of you and those around you will accept it too. Honestly, most people don't really care past a certain age. Everyone is different and that's ok.
TempeFan
Well-Known Member
Never stress yourself out by worrying about people watching and misjudging you. What TheFreeCat and Fino and Monachopia were saying about other people is so true. Most don't care! They are so busy with there own stuff they don't notice other people's mannerisms. No matter what you do, those who do notice are either going to be mean or nice based on who they are. Let them laugh or run away or be kind, whatever. You be you. It's not your job to change to suit them. They won't do that for you.
I had that epiphany years ago when I was bald from chemotherapy. One day it was really hot and I rushed outside to go buy some ice tea but I forgot to put on my hat or wig. I was about to cross the street when two guys pulled up beside me in a pick up and rolled down their window. I was duly mortified, thinking they were going to tease me about walking out in public with no hair. Then one of them pointed at my chest and shouted, "Hey! Are those real?" Those buffoons didn't even notice my strange hairdo. I haven't been self conscious or embarassed by such things since.
I had that epiphany years ago when I was bald from chemotherapy. One day it was really hot and I rushed outside to go buy some ice tea but I forgot to put on my hat or wig. I was about to cross the street when two guys pulled up beside me in a pick up and rolled down their window. I was duly mortified, thinking they were going to tease me about walking out in public with no hair. Then one of them pointed at my chest and shouted, "Hey! Are those real?" Those buffoons didn't even notice my strange hairdo. I haven't been self conscious or embarassed by such things since.
Thank you for all your replies. Kind as always. That helps. I think the thing that bothers me and scares me is that it’s getting worse. I’m only recently self diagnosed and I’m sure I never had these problems before. Is is normal for symptoms, if you will, to get worse with age? I just don’t know where I’m heading. Even my own mum doesn’t believe that I have Aspergers. Because I spoke and developed normally as a child. My problems were very much internalised. I just thought I struggled to socialise because I was shy etc and that people weren’t comfortable around me and that I was picky with my friends. I didn’t fit in, but I tried and it was hard work and I really didn’t want to but I wanted to be liked without having to put myself out. I’m still the same. I had a good group of friends but I couldn’t put in the effort like they did so I drifted off. Anyway, the stimming is quite new. I’ve always done things like twirling my hair etc but it’s morphed into more damaging habits I suppose, like picking at my scalp and the rocking and tapping etc. I just wondered if Aspergers gets worse with time or is it just me? It might just be stress related. I am very upset at the moment. I have an awful lot on my mind. Thank you for caring and I repeat, I really didn’t mean to offend earlier. X
TempeFan
Well-Known Member
It seems to be not so much from age but from stress levels. Finding out why you have been treated differently all your life is in some ways a relief but also a shock. You are still the same person but everything you thought about yourself and the rest of the world and your place in it just got turned upside down. That's a lot to process.
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I think many NTs also struggle with social situations.
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