Still waiting for a first date..

[Ariel]

So interesting reading about everyone's experiences! I have asked guys out without using the word 'date'. I've suggested meeting for coffee or going to events that we're both interested in. Most of the time it doesn't get this far and if it does, the guy will make an excuse. Then the following day he'll recommence flirting! I've had conversations with much older men (i.e; men I wouldn't be looking to date) about having never been asked out. They don't believe me and say I could have 'any guy I wanted'. Little do they know!

 

[midlife aspie]

Perhaps you are 'too perfect' in some respect and they find you 'intimidating'. I would have been thrilled to death if a cute young woman had asked me out when I was single! Unfortunately, many guys do not like it when a woman initiates. I guess it makes them feel 'less masculine' in some respect.

 

[granolaturtle]

everyone has appealing qualities, be positive, 18 is super young, you will find people be patient.

You haven't met me, then.

And I'm definitely sure I won't find people. I'm autistic and a lesbian and stuck in Missouri. That eliminates any chances at all. Even if they did like me, it would be a burden. I don't want to ruin anyones life with my problems.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

that is weird, its odd that no one ever agrees to go out even if only as friends (which is normally the best way to start and let mutual attraction form from there), maybe try using the word date? idk though im not sure what the answer is. i have a very attractive female friend who rarely gets asked out, she seems to think its because she is attractive enough to be intimidating, so i guess it can happen. not all men dislike women initiating, i like it when a woman initiates, it makes it very clear that they are interested and its easier as they have already done the hard work for me instead of waiting for me to nervously initiate it.

 

[midlife aspie]

^^^^Yeah, MO is a crap hole. I especially dislike the 'puppy mills' run by the scum of the Earth.

 

[Ariel]

Yes, London is quite stiff and emotionally constipated - you can't just ask someone if they want to hang out sometime. Social norms here dictate you have to be silly about it. Nevertheless, London has many couples so there must be a way around it! I've heard that a lot of men prefer to do the initiating, but when they don't do it for whatever reason, it doesn't leave me with much choice. :/

 

[midlife aspie]

^^^ So you are in London? I've always wanted to visit the Tower! Have you tried approaching an American man? Look for one with a Southern accent (like me), they should stand out. Especially if he wears a 'ten gallon' hat! Us southern boys know how to treat a lady. Those fine women who work at the clinic I visit always like to hear me talk. I offered to leave messages on their voice mail.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

emotionally constipated is the UK in general not just London haha. as a lot of my foreign friends say the British are generally very emotionally repressed, we hide our emotions (stiff upper lip and all that) and rarely express ourselves and say what we really mean. i really like London, been on three trips down there in the last 3 or 4 months alone.

 

[Judge]

Frankly I'm inclined to think that any major metropolitan area anywhere is no place to seek real friends or relationships. Where the social pace is simply too fast, IMO.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

Frankly I'm inclined to think that any major metropolitan area anywhere is no place to seek real friends or relationships. Where the social pace is simply too fast, IMO.

im not sure i agree, there's a lot more people to meet and a lot more common interest groups to meet people in as well as more places to go for dates. i think its different to out in the countryside but you can find real friends and relationships in either.

 

[Judge]

im not sure i agree, there's a lot more people to meet and a lot more common interest groups to meet people in as well as more places to go for dates. i think its different to out in the countryside but you can find real friends and relationships in either.

Well, we both come from different countries. Inevitably different perspectives given any number of considerations. I've just consistently found this to be the case from one end of the US to the other and over several decades. Of course it's only my experience and not that of others.

 

[Ariel]

Still, I've lived in lots of different places: large cities, small towns, the countryside, different countries (and continents!). Single men look, older married men say they would have been interested at my age, younger married men say their friends would date me, but no one ever actually does anything. It means that there's no other option but to do all the work, which then of course puts men off!

 

[eonbus]

Where did my post go. Really?

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Still, I've lived in lots of different places: large cities, small towns, the countryside, different countries (and continents!). Single men look, older married men say they would have been interested at my age, younger married men say their friends would date me, but no one ever actually does anything. It means that there's no other option but to do all the work, which then of course puts men off!

Have you tried internet dating? Or a singles meet-up? I'm guessing it would be easier to make initial connections in an environment where everyone is looking for someone.

I'm 26, and aside for the previously mentioned accidental dating fiasco, I have never been on a date... but then I've never wanted to

Where did my post go. Really?

You have two comments on the previous page?

 

[Judge]

Still, I've lived in lots of different places: large cities, small towns, the countryside, different countries (and continents!). Single men look, older married men say they would have been interested at my age, younger married men say their friends would date me, but no one ever actually does anything. It means that there's no other option but to do all the work, which then of course puts men off!

In about half the relationships I had, it was the woman who really did most of "the work". I mean, on occasion I'm not even aware if a woman was hitting on me. Funny to consider that may have been to my own advantage.

Maybe you should focus on guys on the spectrum who might very much appreciate it if you occasionally take the initiative.

Just a thought, anyways.

 

[Ariel]

Yes, I've dabbled in online dating over the years but stopped because of the chronic lying that goes on there. Everyone I got to know on a dating site turned out to be lying about something - their age, their relationship status, even small needless lies about their day job or where they went to school. In turn, the people who met me on there asked why I 'needed online dating' and said there must be a catch! I signed up to a couple of aspie dating sites but there's hardly anyone on there living in the UK, never mind London. It's a shame because I'd love to meet an aspie guy.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

Yes, I've dabbled in online dating over the years but stopped because of the chronic lying that goes on there. Everyone I got to know on a dating site turned out to be lying about something - their age, their relationship status, even small needless lies about their day job or where they went to school. In turn, the people who met me on there asked why I 'needed online dating' and said there must be a catch! I signed up to a couple of aspie dating sites but there's hardly anyone on there living in the UK, never mind London. It's a shame because I'd love to meet an aspie guy.

yeah ive had similar experiences online, its really not the place to consistently find good relationships. keep looking though ariel aspie guys are out there? have you ever thought of going to an aspie support group to try and find someone?

 

[Judge]

Yes, I've dabbled in online dating over the years but stopped because of the chronic lying that goes on there. Everyone I got to know on a dating site turned out to be lying about something - their age, their relationship status, even small needless lies about their day job or where they went to school. In turn, the people who met me on there asked why I 'needed online dating' and said there must be a catch! I signed up to a couple of aspie dating sites but there's hardly anyone on there living in the UK, never mind London. It's a shame because I'd love to meet an aspie guy.

True about chronic lying. I went from a friendship to something more online with someone many years ago. Must have lasted nearly seven years. Eventually the person I was so interested in seemed to just fade away on me. So much so that I finally just told her I saw no point in keeping contact with her and so I said good-bye. She didn't seem to have a problem with it.

Yet there were always those ominous signs that made me look back and on occasion just try to look up the status of this person. Eventually I discovered that early into this "relationship", there was a rather glaring detail she failed to tell me about. That she got married. At that point I began to suspect that a great deal of her personal details were likely all lies.

Weirder still, I later discovered that she had moved out of state, and not only into my state at the time, but the town I lived in and even an apartment complex I once resided in as well. Very creepy. Although I never made contact with her again.

Yes, I was completely "catfished". MTV's Nev and Max would have had a field day with my story so many years ago.

 

[Cali Cat]

So interesting reading about everyone's experiences! I have asked guys out without using the word 'date'. I've suggested meeting for coffee or going to events that we're both interested in. Most of the time it doesn't get this far and if it does, the guy will make an excuse. Then the following day he'll recommence flirting! I've had conversations with much older men (i.e; men I wouldn't be looking to date) about having never been asked out. They don't believe me and say I could have 'any guy I wanted'. Little do they know!

Midlife aspie brought up a good point. If you appear to be somewhat "out of their league," men can be intimidated by that, especially in your age group.

I always had to initiate because I was very intimidating to the type of guys to whom I was attracted. I never liked what you might think of as "manly" men. I liked the quiet, reserved, bookish types. Unfortunately, I scared the hell out of them initially. One fellow even told me that he wouldn't have ever approached me because I looked like I had it "all together" and didn't need anyone.

I often had to be fairly persistent in order to convince the object of my interest to take a chance. Not pushy, mind you, but giving them more than one opportunity to go out.

 

[AspieOtaku]

Its been over 10 years since i was last in a long term relationship, being single has its pros and cons, the pros is that you are independent and can do what you want and save money, but on the downside you get lonely. I was in an abusive one and at times have issues trusting others because of it but the backlash is leaving me lonely.