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STANDUP COMEDY ROUTINE THREAD

G

Grumpy Cat

Well-Known Member
Have a funny? You can tell it here - but you won't get any money!

Me first.

Since I'm a nurse I know a lot of poop jokes.......

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

HE WAS LOOKING FOR POOH!!!!!!!!!

(That was a pretty clean joke!) :rolleyes:
 
I have another one. This is a real life joke.

I work nights. I walked into a patient's room one night (who was snoring like a freight train) and woke them up saying, "Would you like your sleeping pill tonight?" (How was I supposed to get my own nap in with all that noise?!)
 
How "clean" do these have to be?

Jimmy is autistic and tends to take things literally. After he overheard his parents arguing loudly that morning through the wall between their rooms, he smuggled his cat into school. When his teacher asked why, Jimmy responded, "I didn't want daddy to eat him."
 
The other day I met an old man in the park, he was sitting on a bench crying so I went up to him.

'Hey buddy', I said, 'do you need some help?'

Through his pained expression he said, 'Last night I met a beautiful young woman. She wanted to come back to my home and we made love all night, it was incredible, like being 20 once again. This morning she said she would make breakfast and would I go get some fresh milk and eggs.'

I smiled, 'That's an amazing tale old fella, so why are you crying?'

'Well', he said, 'I can't remember where I live'
 
icesyckel said:
How "clean" do these have to be?

Jimmy is autistic and tends to take things literally. After he overheard his parents arguing loudly that morning through the wall between their rooms, he smuggled his cat into school. When his teacher asked why, Jimmy responded, "I didn't want daddy to eat him."
Click to expand...

Why Mr. Syckel, that was funny! Was that a "real life" joke too, like mine?
 
Harrison54 said:
The other day I met an old man in the park, he was sitting on a bench crying so I went up to him.

'Hey buddy', I said, 'do you need some help?'

Through his pained expression he said, 'Last night I met a beautiful young woman. She wanted to come back to my home and we made love all night, it was incredible, like being 20 once again. This morning she said she would make breakfast and would I go get some fresh milk and eggs.'

I smiled, 'That's an amazing tale old fella, so why are you crying?'

'Well', he said, 'I can't remember where I live'
Click to expand...

Too bad! If only he had also exercised his other muscle --- his brain!
 
"Blade Runner?"

Just Google it. Add the word trial if need be, and then you'll get it.

EDIT: this is what I get for trying to be "current" with humor.
 
I have another one that just came to mind.

What did the nurse say after she pulled a rectal thermometer from her pocket?

Crap! Some A**hole must have my pen!!!
 
Last edited:
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