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STANDUP COMEDY ROUTINE THREAD

Old joke statement.

A drunk will run a stop sign, a stoner will wait for it to turn green.

Word play joke. Not real.

My youngest daughter asked me,
"Dad, what is the difference between confidence and confidential?."
I thought and replied,
"You are My daughter, of that I am CONFIDENT, your friend Sally down the street... Also my daughter, That is CONFIDENTIAL."
 
I found this one on the internet.....

That ackward moment when a rapist realizes his hitch hiking victim is a serial killer:
Killer "Turn down that dark road down there"
Rapist "I was planning on it...."
 
This Scottish chap goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the hell is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottish chap says, "F*** me! How big are the cats?"
 
Two American women, shortly after landing at Glasgow airport, see a Scottish chap in a kilt. Feeling curious, they walked up to him, and one of them said: "Excuse me sir, we've always wondered, what does a scotsman wear under his kilt?"
"Och, lassie, stick your hand underneath, and find out for yourself!"
She did so, finding out he was a true scotsman, and she yelled "Ugh! It's gruesome!", to which the scotsman replied "Well try again, it's just grew some more!"
 
A naughty nurse joke......

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

(I would never come up with such a joke.) ;)
 
Canada also produced "The Red Green Show" about a man and his van entirely made of duct tape, and of course "South Park".....
 
Two vampire bats are hanging in a cave moaning that they are hungry. One flies out in search of a bite to eat and comes back five minutes later with his face covered with blood ?
His mate says "You got lucky then. I'm starving where did you go ?"
"You see that large tree just over that boulder ?"
"Yes, I see it"
"Well I didn't !"
 
Randomperson said:
Canada also produced "The Red Green Show" about a man and his van entirely made of duct tape, and of course "South Park".....
Click to expand...

South Park is CanCon? You thinking about Trailer Park Boys, maybe? (Also SCTV, KitH, and YCDTOTV. Yes, we're good at sketch comedy.) Or was that the CBC production, Sesame Park? You getting CBC on an aerial at your place, maybe? (No idea where you are relative to the border. Could be Pembina, could be Ellendale.)

ObComedy, 1990s style: you know those snowbirds who go to Arizona every year? They're hooked on Phoenix.
 
Okay. This is a blonde joke. (No heckling please) :rolleyes:

Why was the blonde not able to dial 911 or 411?

She couldn't find the number 11 button on the phone! :D
 
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
 
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."
 
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a pint (or possibly drifts in via brownian motion).
The barman says "For you sir, no charge".
 
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