Sound issues and relationships

[Aiaei]

I am currently experiencing a difficult situation with my partner of 6 years.

I have allot of sound difficulties. I have allot of trouble throughout my day as certain sounds distract me and also hurt. I have been seeing as ASD specialist in order to help me cope with the extreme anxiety that used to accompany the unpleasant sound session.

Anyway, I have an issue with my boyfriends habbit of cracking his knuckles. I have been really upset by it over the past year or so and have asked him to stop. Anyway a year has passed and he hasn't managed to kick the habit... I guess it is complicated as it is difficult for him to stop but then it is also very very hard for me to cope as well as learn how to not be so stressed by the sound.. My boyfriend is kind of obstinant and feels like because I have the problem with him doing, I should be the one to change. He has gone through stages of trying not to do it but then he falls back into the habbit.. Anyway it is very distressing and feel like I don't know what to do...

 

[Aiaei]

I should probably say that it is a bit more complicated. My boyfriend does try, although he sometimes seams to become apathetic and then feels less like it is his problem.

 

[Progster]

It seems that your boyfriend is trying to stop this habit, but is finding it difficult to stop - he's probably not aware that he started doing it until he catches himself doing it or you mention it to him. Most people, including NTs, are bothered by some sounds like the sound of nails scratching a blackboard. You could tell him that this is what it sounds like to you, he will be able to relate to it and understand. But since it's a habit, it might be hard for him to stop even if he understands and wants to stop. You could try wearing earplugs or noise reducing headphones when you are around him - it'll cut out those frequencies you're sensitive to, but you'll still be able to hear him talk or whatever's going on around you.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I don't think the responsibility should fall fully on either one of you to change. Both of you should work together to make the issue more bearable. Your boyfriend doesn't need to completely cease the habit, but being more understanding would help. Perhaps aim so that he can get to a point where he can recognize when you're having a particularly rough day or moment and avoid doing it at such times.

I have sound issues too, specifically at work, but it was only through repeated exposure (and lots of panic attacks) that i was able to learn to deal with it. Doesn't mean its not an issue, it just means ive taught myself how to get around it. Sometimes its like my threshold of handling things is breached and i just can't handle it anymore sometimes, but that happens way way less than it did when i first started my job. I can't block out background noise so the busy environment of the grocery store i work part time at can be overwhelming, so over time i learned to use the aspie ability to hyper-focus to my advantage - i taught myself to focus only on the customer in front of me, or only on the task at hand (like straightening the displays on the shelves).

 

[Beverly]

Hmm, I don't know if will help but, i have an idea that might show him that you are trying to make the sound more tolerable to yourself, if you can handle doing it. Get a dog clicker and, once or twice a day, sit down and click it a few times, not so much that you get really tense but just a little so that you start making clicking sounds a part of your daily routine.

It might not help but, it could desensitize you to clicking sounds and, show your boyfriend that you are making as much of an effort to find a working compromise as he is - might keep him trying and get him trying a bit harder.

What do you think?

 

[Aiaei]

Thank you all for the replies.

I think I was in a very bad mood when I wrote this message, I also wrote it rather quickly and on an iphone. I probably presented a very emotional and irrational perspective of the situation.

I do think it should be that both of us try to work through it. I think that sometimes we are both guilty of sometimes not working hard enough. I think I sometimes feel like it is a next to impossible task for me to get over my experience with this particular sound, and so, it seams like it would be allot easier for him to stop. But, it is an unreasonable assumption.

In contrast to other sounds that cause anxiety, I think I get a little more caught up in this sound because I feel like it is something that can be controlled.. But yeah, it is a deeply unconscious habit.. He can not simply turn it off.. I guess I really have to probably cognise the fact that I really can't control it... I think if I do reduce that expectation, it will be allot easier for me to work through it.

In the past my anxiety with sounds was so severe that I was unable to leave the house. Like Kari, I was able to lessen the response to the sounds and am now able to cope with those sounds, largely due to accepting the sounds, even though they may be highly distracting as well as painful. I feel like my issue with sounds, might, to a certain extent, be tied up with that idea of control.

I do like the idea of my partner learning to gauge my emotional state, and to, perhaps, try to avoid cracking his knuckles whilst I am in a vulnerable state.

I like the idea of the clippers. I have heard that sensory integration therapy utilises a similar technique of desensitisation. I am seeing a specialist for my issues with sounds, but I have never mentioned my issue with the sound of cracking knuckles. This is because the psychologist sometimes cracks his knuckles! I am too embarrassed to mention it to him and worry about the confrontation.

I think that earplugs and noise cancelling headphones are good. I used to wear earplugs or headphones when I was living somewhere quite noisy, I found that, in a way, they kind of imprisoned me. I do spend most of the day and night with my boyfriend and now just limit their use to times when I need to concentrate.

On another note, I think I might also have an issue with thinking, on occasion, that he does do it intentionally.

 

[Maelstrom]

Hi Aiaei , you probably wont like my post much...the cracking the knuckles thing may be a unconscious nervous tic thing, and almost impossible to stop. The best thing you could do is probably distracting him with some expression of affection, a kiss or affectionate touch. That way he is interrupted and stops it, and you both part ways going back to you activities feeling good instead of upset. Sorry! Aiaei this was the best Mael could come up with.