Son gets bullied by two classmates

[Aproudmom]

My youngest son gets bullied at times by two classmates and the principal does take care of the problems not blaming him. Happened again in class this morning and his 1st period teacher witnessed it and both were written up to the principal's office. I came in feuding mad after getting the call and pointing the finger at their parents. Not blaming the principal and I almost slugged one of the dad's after saying my son is a freak. The principal held me back preventing me to do it. I know this dad, he is an a-hole and screws me at one towing yard auction I go to. We almost did fight at one with the cops involved with him told to leave. Started with him splashing coffee on me in my face. Mom, she does not care at all not wanting to do a thing. I am getting sick and tired of it and next will seeing a lawyer on these parents. The parents of the other classmate doing this, they tried everything with him to stop it and know my son has Aspergers. Good thing is they are going to work with me and know it needs to stop. Know one solution, their son needs to stop hanging around this so called friend of his being a negative influence on him

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Kids that age can really suck... as adults, looking back, we all know this. Now, even if your son stops hanging around these kids... he might not... you don't have that much control in that situation. Even if these other kids totally stop their bullying... highly unlikely... you can't stop them from gossip and reputation destruction online and at school. Kids these days don't just leave this crap at school... it follows them when they are at home and online... it is persistent.

Let's be honest with ourselves here. He's different enough from his peers that they are always going to point it out, tease, and bully because he is not conforming to their perception of what is "normal". If it's not these two kids, it will be others.

Once people are over 18, are able to be out on their own, a university campus, a community of like-minded people who are accepting, much of this will change. It's getting them past these years that are such a challenge.

As a parent, I cannot give you much advice as to what to do specifically, but do know this is not going to stop in this current environment. It will be like a game of "Whack-a-Mole"... bop one kid on their head, another will pop up, again and again and again. Meanwhile, your son sinks emotionally and psychologically into Hell.

Some of our members here on the forums have some horrible stories and it has deeply affected them well into adulthood.

 

[Aproudmom]

Kids that age can really suck... as adults, looking back, we all know this. Now, even if your son stops hanging around these kids... he might not... you don't have that much control in that situation. Even if these other kids totally stop their bullying... highly unlikely... you can't stop them from gossip and reputation destruction online and at school. Kids these days don't just leave this crap at school... it follows them when they are at home and online... it is persistent.

Let's be honest with ourselves here. He's different enough from his peers that they are always going to point it out, tease, and bully because he is not conforming to their perception of what is "normal". If it's not these two kids, it will be others.

Once people are over 18, are able to be out on their own, a university campus, a community of like-minded people who are accepting, much of this will change. It's getting them past these years that are such a challenge.

As a parent, I cannot give you much advice as to what to do specifically, but do know this is not going to stop in this current environment. It will be like a game of "Whack-a-Mole"... bop one kid on their head, another will pop up, again and again and again. Meanwhile, your son sinks emotionally and psychologically into Hell.

Some of our members here on the forums have some horrible stories and it has deeply affected them well into adulthood.

He does not hang around them at all

 

[Outdated]

Childhood memories, I really didn't have much fun as a kid.

When it comes to other kids your son is at an extreme disadvantage and kids being kids means he's going to have a miserable time of it no matter how hard you try. The reason:

Our brains grow and mature to a different pattern than most other kids. With normal kids they start developing social intelligence from around age 5 but their intellectual maturity doesn't begin until much later. With autistic kids the intellectual maturity comes first and social maturity doesn't begin until much later.

There's nothing you can do to alter this growth pattern, there's no point trying to teach a kid something if the part of their brain needed to handle that concept hasn't finished developing yet.

In effect, an average autistic 8 year old has an intellectual maturity similar to that of a normal 12 year old, but they only have the social maturity of a 4 year old.

A strange phenomena has been happening in Australia over the last couple of decades. A lot of parents started pulling their autistic children out of schools and home schooling them instead. With the easiest targets taken away from the bullies they started picking on other kids and all of a sudden there seemed to be a pandemic of bullying in our public schools. More and more parents have started pulling their kids out of school regardless of autism.

It has now got to the point of becoming a dramatic cultural shift away from the old public schooling paradigm. Schools are trying to adapt but in reality they're in danger of becoming defunct. Instead we now have a new potential social issue developing where home schooling social groups are forming but the country has no legislation or regulation in place to provide protections for these groups.

Homeschool 'drop-off' groups are booming but some say they are unregulated

 

[Matthias]

Studies have shown that kids who are bullied will continue to get bullied wherever they go until they change their behavior. If you manage to stop the bullies, it's very likely that other kids will start bullying your son shortly afterward. If you switch schools, it's likely he'll get bullied in the new school.

The best way to stop bullying, according to science, is to get your son to change his behavior. I don't mean he has to become perfectly normal because many kids who are odd don't get bullied. The way your son thinks about these situations, the way he perceives himself and others, the emotions he experiences, and how he reacts to others (all things that can be changed) can greatly influence whether he will get bullied. A good therapist can help him control his emotions, improve his character, increase his emotional intelligence, and help him respond in ways that will stop the bullying or even make him some friends.

 

[Crossbreed]

@Matthias, that is like saying,
"The best way for short people to stop getting bullied is to make them taller."

By definition, autistics are socially stunted, due to our abnormal neurology (a.k.a. asynchronous development). That includes ASD1s.

Being intellectual curve-busters does not make us more endearing...

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Once people are over 18, are able to be out on their own, a university campus, a community of like-minded people who are accepting, much of this will change. It's getting them past these years that are such a challenge.

Yeah right hell no it gets worse trust me

 

[Poppy98]

@Matthias, that is like saying,
"The best way for short people to stop getting bullied is to make them taller."

By definition, autistics are socially stunted, due to our abnormal neurology (a.k.a. asynchronous development). That includes ASD1s.

Being intellectual curve-busters does not make us more endearing...

I'm inclined to agree, not to mention that I think that requiring someone to give in to the bullies gives bad messages to everyone involved because there will always be bullies and being perfect won't even change that.

I also think it would allow such a severe level of domination that it would be untenable.





I'm sure there are some small things that I've done in the past to blend that have probably helped me, but I think that's a little different.

I find that the extent to which I can blend pays off substantially and that often if I can blend in a way, it's too much hassle if I don't. But I've not found that to be a successful method of dealing with toxic personalities because they've got issues within themselves that I didn't cause.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Peak cruelty for me came in High School and College. In HS I was not physically bullied because of the violence I exhibited after one attempt. Instead, socially isolated but having the normal adolescent desires of belonging and perhaps being in a relationship, guys would brag to me about their sexual adventures knowing that I did not have the tools to even have a girlfriend. I recognize now this was hierarchical social posturing, but it affected me deeply and I internalized a self concept that I was damaged, unwanted, undesirable. It still echos in the present at times despite my knowing otherwise.

 

[Matthias]

@Matthias, that is like saying,
"The best way for short people to stop getting bullied is to make them taller."

By definition, autistics are socially stunted, due to our abnormal neurology (a.k.a. asynchronous development). That includes ASD1s.

Being intellectual curve-busters does not make us more endearing...

Yet many autistic people don't get bullied despite their differences while NTs around them get bullied. I tend to see the same characteristics in people who are bullied (all non-genetic and treatable) such as:

passivity
low self-esteem
self-absorption (too focused on their own needs instead of the needs of others)
triggered by harmless words
difficulty controlling emotions
choosing act in socially unacceptable ways / refusing to conform to social norms (by choice)
victim mentality

Bullies thrive on being able to get a reaction by merely uttering harmless words or engaging in mostly harmless behavior so they can have a good laugh at their abnormal responses. A good therapist can help those who are bullied, such as the son of @Aproudmom to be assertive, feel confident, emotionally stable, and attuned to the needs of others. People who develop these character traits don't get triggered and can handle harmless words with ease. When bullies see that their words have no effect and no longer result in an abnormal reaction, they lose interest and stop bullying. Additionally, when those who are bullied improve their character, their positive qualities attract friends who can stand up for them and prevent others from bullying them.

 

[Outdated]

Bullies thrive on being able to get a reaction by merely uttering harmless words or engaging in mostly harmless behavior...

I don't know what sort of protected dream world you grew up in. You think being called names is bullying?

Bullying is when two kids much older than you pin you to the ground and start burning their initials in to your skin with a magnifying glass. (aged 4)

Bullying is when 2 kids hold your arms out to one side while the others take it in turns to kick you in the nuts. (age 6)

Bullying is when one kid punches you in the face then is two mates pin you to the ground while he pisses on you. (age 7)

Bullies are never alone, they hunt in packs. Once my balls started to drop tables turned and bullies learned to fear me but before then I had no means to fight back, and even after that I had to learn to choose my battles carefully.

Yet many autistic people don't get bullied despite their differences while NTs around them get bullied. I tend to see the same characteristics in people who are bullied (all non-genetic and treatable) such as:

passivity
low self-esteem
self-absorption (too focused on their own needs instead of the needs of others)
triggered by harmless words
difficulty controlling emotions
choosing act in socially unacceptable ways / refusing to conform to social norms (by choice)
victim mentality

Is this a description of yourself? It certainly doesn't even come close to describing me.