Some of my behaviour (undiagnosed)

[btaylor]

Hey,
I know you guys must get those "do I have aspergers?" threads all the time, but as someone who is currently undiagnosed, I just want to share some of my behaviour with you guys and maybe get some feedback. I'll try to keep it as short as possible, and I can't be bothered too much with grammar at the moment, so please excuse. (I'm 19 by the way)

Firstly, I was diagnosed with depression last year, and was given drugs (Lexapro) which I didn't end up taking. I now suspect Asperger's as the root cause of it, and my parents may as well.
1) I have no friends, and am sometimes confused on what to do (e.g. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to say "hello" if I'm not looked or smiled at). I also often can't be bothered talking to people.
2) I believe I stim (hand-flapping when excited; happens daily)
3) I spend up to hours daily walking in circles, listening to music, fantasising and occasionally flapping.
4) Have had a few "obsessions" in life (Would write out the football fixture and act out every single match my team played weekly as a 6-7 year old, Memorising and reciting periodic table for family as a 7 year old, Carrying around books and dictionaries on "how to speak German" as a 10-11 year old, constantly asking a friend and family to name a year so I could recall which film won Best Picture for that particular year as a 15-16 year old)
5) My whole life I have been referred to as a "walking dictionary"
6) I had an enormous vocabulary and atypical language at a young age (When I was 7, upon seeing my mum cook a sauce I didn't recognise, I asked "what is that sticky substance?".
7) I hated the feeling of jeans and the smell of cars as a child (I don't think I have any major sensory issues anymore, but I believe I might be a bit sensitive to light and sound)
8) As a 16-18 year old, I had an intense fascination with cinema. So much so, that I found it so much more interesting than most other things, even people.

but,
I have a problem with eye contact. The problem is, I stare TOO much. I'm not entirely sure when I'm supposed to look away when someone is talking. Interestingly, I saw an class interview of me as a 6 year old, and I didn't look at the camera once, despite it being right in front of me. I remember my teacher afterwards telling me that "I must look at the camera". Not sure if I had a lack of eye contact back then.

I'v recently developed a sense of fashion (I heard that individuals on the spectrum aren't interested in, or can't comprehend, fashion?)

I can lie. (Apparently, people on the spectrum are very honest?)

I'll start with that. I'd love any comments you guys give me. Thank you so much, even if you just read all of that.

 

[Arashi222]

Sounds like it might be a conversation to have with your therapist or doctor and maybe go get an evaluation if you think that being diagnosed correctly will help you out. I think it sounds like you probably do. We tend to either stare too much or not look enough. It depends because it is a spectrum thing. So I hope that you maybe get it checked out.

 

[IContainMultitudes]

Some of that sounds quite a bit like my younger self (not sure if some of my AS traits have faded over time or if some are just considered less weird when you're older), especially the stuff about cinema obsession (I think that this documentary may have inspired me to dial down that particular obsession a bit: Cinemania (2002) - IMDb), advanced vocabulary, being a "walking encyclopedia", and being interested in foreign languages at an unusually early age (the language I tried to learn at about age 11 was Japanese).

People with AS are definitely capable of lying. Aspies probably tend to be somewhat more honest than the rest of the population (and probably bad liars a lot of the time), but I think that probably has more to do with aspies generally not being big on "white lies"/social lying rather than never wanting to be deceptive.

Also, I'd say that it certainly is possible to an aspie to have a "sense of fashion"/interest in fashion (I've only very recently developed any interest in that myself); I think the grain of truth to the generalization that aspies don't care about fashion is that they're more likely to be a bit indifferent about what's in style at any given time and in going along with the crowd rather than doing their own thing. Also, I think aspies tend to have a more utilitarian view of clothing and usually value comfort above fashion (that's one reason why some female aspies prefer men's clothes or dressing in a more masculine/gender neutral way even if they aren't necessarily more masculine than other women).

 

[btaylor]

Thanks, guys. Really interesting.

I've heard of some of the "eccentric" characters in Cinemania. Been meaning to see that for a while. I'm still deeply interested in film, it's just that I had a dark period last year where I didn't do anything. I only started watching them again in March.

The biggest problem with me is that I don't look quirky or anything, and I'm a pretty big guy, so people are easily freaked out by some of my behaviour. My constant staring at women (nothing sexual) and my "indifference" towards them as people has got everyone thinking I'm a womaniser. I've also been accused of things like drug addiction, homosexuality, alcoholism, narcisissm, misanthropy (possibly true) and sociopathy. I guess that's the hardest bit about these conditions: you are constantly talked about because you are so distant and different, especially if you're younger.

As for fashion, like I said, I'm interested in it. So much so, that I often criticize the clothes of shops I walk into. This has further led me to being perceived as very "shallow" and a "materialist". Ah, such is life.

 

[arthurfakaya]

Unfortunately it is human nature to stereotype others and place people in categories. We all do it; it's part of our survival instinct. Just remember that people's negative opinions of you need only be a problem if it is held by people whom you respect. My advice would be to learn to understand yourself better, to get evaluated if possible, to embrace your individuality, build on your strengths, and develop strategies to overcome or compensate for your deficits. If everyone was the same, the world would be a pretty boring place.

 

[Acetic]

I cant say i have many of the same symptoms you do.

Most of my problems stem from personality and language traits. I have a really hard time keeping conversations going and talking fluidly. I think i have a speech disorder known as "cluttering". I tend to talk in bursts with gaps of silences because my mind is blank during conversations and i can't think of what to say. Also my speech is overly analytical and technical, which makes it hard for people to relate with me. I have a hard time laughing and relaxing around other people, my jokes and sense of humor are kind of lame too...

I consider myself a high functioning autistic. I can almost blend in with everyone else in society, almost. After talking with me for a few days people will begin to suspect something is not quite "normal" about me. I've always had a dull, straightforward personality. It makes me nervous thinking my personality might be stunted or not developed; everyone seems so much more relaxed, communicative, funny or interesting. I've been teased and bullied about this over the years; people have called me all types of names saying i'm arrogant, nerdy, emotionless, uptight, a robot, boring person, stupid and cuss words too. The sad part is that i can function in society enough to somewhat fit in, but not enough to make friends or be a part of society.

 

[WildCat]

Lying isn't a disqualifier from receiving diagnosis, though you'll find that you may be less apt at it than others possibly because it doesn't come naturally to you. At least, I find myself thinking this when select people can clearly see clean through my BS despite my wasted efforts. I've got language and social issues like Acetic mentioned, both of which I've made tremendous leaps over in the past couple of years of my employment. It could be due to me being exposed to the public and being forced to adapt, rather than staying in my room for hours at once doing pretty much nothing with myself.

If a diagnosis will give you peace of mind, I say go for it - I've been diagnosed 3 times in my life with 3 different autism spectrum disorders, which just complicates things. I'd just opt out for "on the autism spectrum" if anything, because what you described to us thus far are all traits of it, and a specific diagnosis is unlikely to do you any more good than harm.

 

[Margaretha]

I cant say i have many of the same symptoms you do.

Most of my problems stem from personality and language traits. I have a really hard time keeping conversations going and talking fluidly. I think i have a speech disorder known as "cluttering". I tend to talk in bursts with gaps of silences because my mind is blank during conversations and i can't think of what to say. Also my speech is overly analytical and technical, which makes it hard for people to relate with me. I have a hard time laughing and relaxing around other people, my jokes and sense of humor are kind of lame too...

I consider myself a high functioning autistic. I can almost blend in with everyone else in society, almost. After talking with me for a few days people will begin to suspect something is not quite "normal" about me. I've always had a dull, straightforward personality. It makes me nervous thinking my personality might be stunted or not developed; everyone seems so much more relaxed, communicative, funny or interesting. I've been teased and bullied about this over the years; people have called me all types of names saying i'm arrogant, nerdy, emotionless, uptight, a robot, boring person, stupid and cuss words too. The sad part is that i can function in society enough to somewhat fit in, but not enough to make friends or be a part of society.

@Acetic
I can relate to a lot of the things you are saying. Someone even told me once that I don't have a personality. It hurt my feelings, but I kind of knew what he was talking about. I can't relate to other people at all. I can be analytic and talk about things I'm interested in, but I can't act like other people and I don't even want to . I just don't get it. Even though I am emotional and have empathy, I can't behave that way.

I have a hard time expressing myself, When talking or writing something, it takes me a while to figure out how to say what I want to say, unless it is well rehearsed because it is one of my interests, so I usually seem very quiet. The few times I have been at social gatherings in my life, I seemed to gravitate to nerdy intellectual types. I find them fascinating to listen to. Even if it is a topic that doesn't interest me, their passion and interest just draws me in. I love being analytical and solving problems, I'm very logical, but I have bad short term memory and memory retrieval problems. Sometimes I forget words or names or can't find the right words to say what I want to say and It's very frustrating.

So for those reasons, I have never been able to fit in with society at all. For almost 30 years I worked by myself as a night shift COBOL programmer, but that probably just isolated me even more. I feel like I'm trapped inside my own mind on an alien planet. I do have a daughter and grandchildren and animals, so I am not completely alone and I think I do have a good sense of humor.

 

[Serendipity]

How do we know you didn't just find these symptoms on another Asperger's site and then copy and paste them into this thread to make people think you're an aspie?

 

[Arashi222]

How do we know you didn't just find these symptoms on another Asperger's site and then copy and paste them into this thread to make people think you're an aspie?

You know that's not very nice thing to say. A lot of people come here being self-diagnosed first and get an official diagnosis later. I think maybe giving them the benefit of the doubt is in order. A lot of people get misdiagnosed.