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Some advice would be helpful...

Thesaurusrex

Well-Known Member
I have an NT relative who consistently shares details of her escapades in cheating on her fiance. I have both expressed the fact that it is indeed cheating ("But it's only kisses and cuddles", she says) and that I strongly disapprove and do not want to hear anything about it if she insists I don't say anything (because of course I feel compelled to say something! *stress*). Howeverrr, these have all seemingly fallen on deaf ears, and short of entirely avoiding her I don't really know what else to do at this point :unsure:

I suppose I'm hoping someone here has ideas of how to approach this differently, or has been in a similar position, or any other advice? :help:
 
Have you considered telling her that if she goes on with this, you'll contact her fiance?

No, you're not helping her a lot with that... but I'm quite sure her fiance will be grateful for it though.
 
Howeverrr, these have all seemingly fallen on deaf ears, and short of entirely avoiding her I don't really know what else to do at this point :unsure:

That's what I would do under such messy circumstances. Avoid her- entirely.

Might even be a profound non-verbal way to get the message across to her that words haven't achieved.
 
Have you considered telling her that if she goes on with this, you'll contact her fiance?

This was pretty much my first thought on how to react, but after confiding in a friend I was advised I should stay out of it and only say something if asked. Though at this point, if she carries on, even just the threat of being caught out might be the best way to go about addressing it... :unsure:



That's what I would do under such messy circumstances. Avoid her- entirely.

Might even be a profound non-verbal way to get the message across to her that words haven't achieved.

I think given the relationship with this relative, avoiding entirely might cause more problems and will probably also mean she decides to play the "poor me, I'm always the victim" game.
 
Not sure if I can help. Few years ago I knew a thick skinned guy acquaintaince "Lecturing Lou" [or Louie Lou] who not only lectured about his lower than average iq point of view on life [his father damaged both him and his brother Toxic Mike] but also he ocassionally talked bad about women ["they are only for sex" & "men are smarter" etc.] He's married, since I've known him for 7 years he's always worked 2 full time jobs [his wife doesn't work outside the house] & he's told me & other men how his wife won't have sex with him. In a way I understand his frustration but not the way he talks about his wife/personal stuff. I always had trouble when he verbally talked down about women & how he ignored the best parts of a woman-her unique personality.

But I also knew nothing I could say would change his mind [he's very religious & believes men are superior to women.] We attended the same support group, ocassionally socialized outside of the group, talked on the phone especially about football & his brother is Toxic Mike [Narcisistic/potentially violent.] Since I had/have a small social network, I ignored his negative attitude towards women. It was a shock for me as I have a 15 year friendship with my girlfriend/now ex-girlfriend who I admire/adore.

Ok it sounds like she dwells on it/her adventures. Can you use an "I" statement like "I love you but when you talk about cheating on your finance I just want to run." Or "I love you but I don't want to hear about your sexual adventures." ?

Anyhoo I no longer talk to Lecturing Lou...that's the nickname I gave him...at the time I felt I needed his friendship since I was coming out of a bad period in my life. In the past few years our contact was very brief and we haven't talked for 6-12 months. Good luck!!!
 
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I think given the relationship with this relative, avoiding entirely might cause more problems and will probably also mean she decides to play the "poor me, I'm always the victim" game.

Family dynamics. I get that. Ugh.

It's just that it seems to me the only "victim" here is the woman's fiance. Something I wouldn't hesitate to emphasize to her if she was passive-aggressive enough to feign the victim role in the first place.
 
I forgot the advice...uggg...at 48 I'm getting old...anyhoo I'd ignore Louie Lou when he talked bad about women and then I'd change the subject to football or something. That worked most of the time but then he'd get back to lecturing about religion or whatever...
 
Thank you all very much for the advice! In the end I couldn't help myself and blurted to an immediate family member who is much more socially adept and probably in a better position to handle the situation. :unsure: Possibly not the best decision, but a decision either way!
 
Howeverrr, these have all seemingly fallen on deaf ears, and short of entirely avoiding her I don't really know what else to do at this point
:help:
Talking to her definitely isn't going to do any good.

Have you considered telling her that if she goes on with this, you'll contact her fiance?

No, you're not helping her a lot with that... but I'm quite sure her fiance will be grateful for it though.
I think it's better if he knows before the marriage than after. It's only fair to him to know. Then he can make his own decisions.
 
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