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Social struggles and Aspergers.

Tomos

Well-Known Member
Hi everyone i hope this topic, is not to personal for some on here.

for any aspies on here that, struggles with there confidence in social situations.

do you think that is just a usual struggle with having Aspergers.

or do personal things come in, and have an effect on you confidence wise.

for me it's a bit of both, having struggled with bullies in school, that has left a effect on me with confidence being rather shaky when it comes to being in a social situation.
 
Seems to me that most of us have social problems, and other personal problems don't make that any easier to deal with. Many of us have been subject to bullying, too. Look through the forums some, and you'll see loads of threads about social problems. It's maybe mostly why most of us find this site so useful.

You're definitely not alone.
 
It covers those who are not socialised from an early age and people with a developmental disorder .
If the unsocialised don't receive therapy they will stay like those with a developmental disorder.
It will probably also cover those who have brain-damage from trauma ,it's probably rare with brain damage but is probably possible.
 
Struggles with confidence are very much common with ASD, but I think it has more to do with the PTSD that results from having ASD than the ASD itself.

I used to lack social confidence. Now, I have tons of confidence. The difference is that I attacked the PTSD as a problem. PTSD is such a natural result of pretty much any flavor of growing-up-Aspie that anyone who attempts social interventions without primarily addressing the trauma is doing it wrong.
 
@Gritches can you say more about what you mean? How did you tackle the PTSD and do you mean it's a result of the confusion caused by our reality being different but ignored / not recognised?
 
@Gritches can you say more about what you mean? How did you tackle the PTSD and do you mean it's a result of the confusion caused by our reality being different but ignored / not recognised?

Essentially, yes. Because we're forced to be a part of society when we have social deficits/differences caused by ASD, we're going to get pushback from that, often cruel pushback; traumatizing pushback. If all you've really known is cruelty as a direct result of trying to play nice and interact with others, it seems perfectly logical to me that Complex PTSD would be the natural result of what seems to be the typical Aspie growing-up experience; that is to say, one version or another of highly traumatic.

We're Aspies, and we're going to be Aspies, no matter what.

As for how to treat that PTSD, it's a matter of building your self-confidence. Most trauma therapists, especially with TFCBT, will follow a formula that uses exposure to densensitize you to specific traumas. The problem I found with that is that I had hundreds, if not thousands of traumas; no, in all my years studying trauma I can say with confidence there's a step that comes before exposure/desensitization:

Addressing the reason for the trauma so you aren't just retraumatizing yourself in the process of desensitization. Think about it, if you just start with just being thrust into social situations without having the requisite skills to disprove what your experience has taught you (that socializing will end poorly), you're just going to dig in further and further with every failed social experience.

No, trauma tied to social experience isn't the same as desensitizing someone who's afraid to cross bridges by making them cross a bridge 100 times. The point of that exercise is to teach the bridge-phobic person that nothing bad's going to happen when they cross a bridge.

But if you drag an Aspie by the collar out into society without them having learned the skills that nobody ever bothered to teach us, it's going to result in one social failure after the next and a deepening of the trauma; as for the bridge example, it would be like sending the bridge-phobic person over the bridge 100 times and having the bridge collapse every single time. That person would be terrified of bridges after that, and rightly so.

It's for that reason that TFCBT can be counter-productive for Aspies if social survival skills aren't learned sufficiently before attempting to desensitize, and a new approach needs to be taken towards this near-ubiquitous issue.
 
@Gritches, You said:
Essentially, yes. Because we're forced to be a part of society when we have social deficits/differences caused by ASD, we're going to get pushback from that, often cruel pushback; traumatizing pushback. If all you've really known is cruelty as a direct result of trying to play nice and interact with others, it seems perfectly logical to me that Complex PTSD would be the natural result of what seems to be the typical Aspie growing-up experience; that is to say, one version or another of highly traumatic.
Differences.
The correct answer was Differences.
Hi, Gritches.
 
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Thanks @Gritches, yes I see. So I think you mean, the traumatised Aspie would need to have had some help with strategies to cope in social interactions before working on their PTSD? That makes sense.

I was going to add that although I am and presume after many efforts always will be, at sea in unstructured social situations, I didn't think I was traumatised, then I realised that I was, probably, it's just that I ve done so much therapy I have recovered. Literally years and years, I just hadn't thought of myself as being traumatised. Gosh. And I remember being in a group in my late 20s where I literally just watched for about a year. That must be why I couldn't join in properly. Wow. Very helpful post @Gritches, thanks.

Yes @sidd851 I agree that we are getting traumatised through our social difference, rather than deficits. Everyone has deficits and everyone has strengths and abilities, but these are hard to operationalise when a society excludes people based on narrow and elitist criteria. Albeit society may not be aware they are doing that.
 
i was made fun of a lot at school, until i joined the swim team, which is not a team sport,
got big shoulders and strong arms, was left alone after that, and i stuck up for some of teh weaker kids

confidence: at one point i assumed that i had a right to my opinions and that i'm just as good as everyone else, once i also realised that social 'fails' or not a big deal, my confidence improved
 

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