Social skill books

[Jordy]

On Amazon there are many books on social skills and dating for man with aspergers. Are some of them worth it? It seems like a lot of it is inspiration porn and nonsense. Has anyone read one of these books? I know someone is going to say "only way to learn social skills is to interact with people" but if that was the case my social skills would have been much better by now, i can't pick up on a lot of things unless someone explicitly points them out. I really don't wish to get my hopes up just to be crushed again.

 

[Shamar]

On Amazon there are many books on social skills and dating for man with aspergers. Are some of them worth it? It seems like a lot of it is inspiration porn and nonsense. Has anyone read one of these books? I know someone is going to say "only way to learn social skills is to interact with people" but if that was the case my social skills would have been much better by now, i can't pick up on a lot of things unless someone explicitly points them out. I really don't wish to get my hopes up just to be crushed again.

I've read a few. At least, I started to read them. To me, it was about the equivalent of teaching a paraplegic to walk by saying "Just stand up and put one foot in front of the other." There didn't seem to be much about exactly HOW this was to be accomplished.

 

[Aspychata]

True. We all have social hangups. I just blundered thru the young part of life in an extremely painful way. It wasn't until my late 40's l accepted myself. My daughter had the same horrible awkwardness but a performing arts high school was her turning point. She did improv with other socially awkward students to emerge as a better person.

 

[Streetwise]

Nope never read them, I use mindfulness, in the form of prayer, specifically God(JHVH,Yeshua(Jesus) )as there are different forms of prayer, mine is a mix of messianic Judaism \and or influence of Anglican\AOG(Assemblies of God) and looking at the picture Bible by Iva Hoth ,God seems to teach me !that way but I'm one individual with autistic neurology,so I'm very !new in spiritual maturity.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I cannot remember the book I read, but it was about body language and other social communication. This I started with after deciding to change myself at a time I didn't know I was ASD. So, as I would interact with people I tried some of it out and progressed from there. Then, the hardest part of all was understanding how to approach people, especially women, so an acquaintence had me do so, starting with modest complements and stop there. That sure desensitized me from expecting rejection until I finally could ask somebody out. But the unusual thing that subsequently happened was calling my now spouse to arrange car pooling. That, being initially transactional, was pressure free, but as things unfolded nicely I used what I learned as we spent a long time together in my car and jumped into the relationship with both feet.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

She did improv with other socially awkward students to emerge as a better person.

Interesting how that worked out. I used to frequent Second City when living in Chicago and saw Tim Kazurinsky there. I remember seeing an article where he took improv classes (from Del Close) in order to help with social anxiety. I guess that was successful for him.

 

[Jordy]

I cannot remember the book I read, but it was about body language and other social communication. This I started with after deciding to change myself at a time I didn't know I was ASD. So, as I would interact with people I tried some of it out and progressed from there. Then, the hardest part of all was understanding how to approach people, especially women, so an acquaintence had me do so, starting with modest complements and stop there. That sure desensitized me from expecting rejection until I finally could ask somebody out. But the unusual thing that subsequently happened was calling my now spouse to arrange car pooling. That, being initially transactional, was pressure free, but as things unfolded nicely I used what I learned as we spent a long time together in my car and jumped into the relationship with both feet.

Do you think those books are worth it? most are 10 to 20 dollars a piece. I would do anything to be to casually chat with woman.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I think it would be worth it.

1. If there are good descriptions of social behavior and the context.
2. If there are good descriptions of specific elements of social behavior
3. If it covers how to model that behavior
4. If there are suggestions about how to practice that behavior
5. If there are positive messages that provide insight

For me the task of approaching a woman was first the message to myself about most everybody desiring connection, though women have to feel safe. At first it was just approaching women with a light complement and stopping there. Then observing and practicing going past each step. Finally I asked out a woman at work, and it was nice for a while but we were not entirely compatible. (edit) And there I started to understand that sometimes a rejection isn't, it may be merely a lack of compatibility. Rinse and repeat.

 

[Fino]

I've read one of those books, and I don't think it was entirely useless. Most of what I've learned though has been from being close friends with a socially intelligent person and basically being mentored by them. I've had that twice so far, each for 2-4 years.

 

[Thinx]

Knowing how it's done is definitely useful. But as we don't have all the same brain functioning of neurotypicalsit tends to need modifying by you for your needs. I actually wrote a book on social interaction years ago when I was of all things teaching interpersonar communication skills to students. I knew a lot about it, enough to cope for myself adequately. However I couldn't learn to do it the ways neurotypicals do because my brain lacked processing speed and back then I didn't realise that.

Now that I do, I highly recommend putting yourself in environments where you regularly can interact with the same people on tasks or interests. At work or classes or other groups. I found this meant I was involved rather than watching, at least some of the time. People somewhat liked me, I can be funny and ironic or silly and creative, but they need to see me in action...

 

[Jordy]

Knowing how it's done is definitely useful. But as we don't have all the same brain functioning of neurotypicalsit tends to need modifying by you for your needs. I actually wrote a book on social interaction years ago when I was of all things teaching interpersonar communication skills to students. I knew a lot about it, enough to cope for myself adequately. However I couldn't learn to do it the ways neurotypicals do because my brain lacked processing speed and back then I didn't realise that.

Now that I do, I highly recommend putting yourself in environments where you regularly can interact with the same people on tasks or interests. At work or classes or other groups. I found this meant I was involved rather than watching, at least some of the time. People somewhat liked me, I can be funny and ironic or silly and creative, but they need to see me in action...

There don't seem to be that many people of my kind in the college lectures i am attending. I rather talk to introverted people who don't fit in than the extroverted popular ones. I have severe anxiety from even just sitting in the lecture hall, and groups have already formed. There is one awkward girl who doesn't seem to have befriended anyone, but i don't want to make a fool out myself and stutter talking to a girl. I have already been home for 4 hours and i can still feel anxiety i got from being there, i am going to do some physical exercises later so maybe that will help. No one at college knows of my problems either. At school my anxiety always went away when i could sit next to a friend, but i don't have any right now.

 

[Thinx]

Lectures aren't very easy to develop relating in, you are often all sitting and facing front and taking notes, maybe answering questions sometimes individually. Do you have seminars or tutor groups? Smaller group discussions? Sometimes you might get projects or tasks to tackle in a group? If not, then extra curricular groups based on interests may be a better bet?

Are there groups you can join for your interests, like walking or singing or dancing or climbing or chess etc? Are there any of the interesting introverts you might get more friendly with? Sounds obvious, but try passing round sweets! The awkward girl might like sweets too? Cheer her up maybe.

Physical exercise will help with anxiety, don't wait 4 hours before exercising, ideally. You are quite right that having a friend helps, you will soon be more familiar with some people and can smile and say hi. Some will share your sense of humour.

 

[Jordy]

Lectures aren't very easy to develop relating in, you are often all sitting and facing front and taking notes, maybe answering questions sometimes individually. Do you have seminars or tutor groups? Smaller group discussions? Sometimes you might get projects or tasks to tackle in a group? If not, then extra curricular groups based on interests may be a better bet?

Are there groups you can join for your interests, like walking or singing or dancing or climbing or chess etc? Are there any of the interesting introverts you might get more friendly with? Sounds obvious, but try passing round sweets! The awkward girl might like sweets too? Cheer her up maybe.

Physical exercise will help with anxiety, don't wait 4 hours before exercising, ideally. You are quite right that having a friend helps, you will soon be more familiar with some people and can smile and say hi. Some will share your sense of humour.

I am just going to make a fool of myself and get talked about by people, because i am an autistic freak.

 

[Thinx]

Going to college is a big change but you are bright and mature. It's very understandable that you feel anxious. It will get better as you get more used to it. In the UK we don't seem to mind being unusual aka freaks as much as some cultures. What's wrong with being different, original, distinctive etc? You have lots to offer, as do we all.

 

[Matthias]

On Amazon there are many books on social skills and dating for man with aspergers. Are some of them worth it? It seems like a lot of it is inspiration porn and nonsense. Has anyone read one of these books? I know someone is going to say "only way to learn social skills is to interact with people" but if that was the case my social skills would have been much better by now, i can't pick up on a lot of things unless someone explicitly points them out. I really don't wish to get my hopes up just to be crushed again.

The problem with social skills books is that socializing isn't like school subjects where you learn a bunch of facts to increase your understanding of the subject. Socializing heavily relies on emotions. Everyone has emotional needs such as a need to be understood. It's impossible to understand people and socialize well if you don't understand emotions since emotions have a major impact on the way people think and act. People's emotions influence how they act in different situations and contexts. There is no way to memorize and recall how to act in every situation and you would still appear inauthentic even if you could (they can tell based on your body language which is affected by your emotions).

People have a need to feel close to other people and they can't feel close to you unless you be yourself. Trying to learn how to be "normal" or learn the "correct" way to act will result in people viewing you as someone who is dull, boring, and afraid to be themselves. They will be able to detect you are trying too hard and avoid you because they can't feel close to someone they are unable to know. Since no one is perfect and everyone has flaws, odd quirks, and different personalities people need to be able to see them to differentiate you from other people and get to know you. I used to think I had to be "normal" to belong but I've since realized there is no such thing as normal and that you have to be different to belong. The differences that led people to avoid me were emotional differences that resulted from me not understanding emotions very well. For example, if you have anxiety in common social situations because you're afraid of saying the wrong thing people will be more suspicious and more likely to distrust you since they won't know why you're anxious.

The best way to learn how to socialize, in my opinion, is to read books about emotions to improve your emotional intelligence so you can understand yourself and other people better and be more comfortable being yourself.